So the big debate I am having is if lindsey vonn blows up at the olympic games where she is supposed to dominate, does she have the marketability of the volleyball players may and walsh. Even though now I just heard vonn is hurt with a bruised shin so that may keep her out she says but lets hope not because well she is hot and is actually a good athlete. So I am in team vonn if she can pull it off while joey is in team may and walsh as having more marketability then vonn. My cousin mike is with me. I need to make team vonn shirts up to wear. I will let you decide.
Here is vonn in the new sports illustrated swimsuit edition:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010_swimsuit/winter/lindsey-vonn/10_lindsey-vonn_1.html
So there it is vonn vs- may and walsh- who has more marketability if vonn actually comes through at the games and dominates like people think she may? Man I can't wait until the olympics.
Thanks for the advice- haha yeah ok
On another note, I have thought about not doing this blog because well I feel like sometimes I am letting to much of myself come out and I don't generally like that but as long as I keep it light then it should not be a big deal and I can get the things I want out of it that I originally prepared to get. This is by no means a journal where I come on here and tell my inner most feelings, I am not sad or upset or feeling down so don't think that, I just feel complacent lately and that my priorities were out of line that is all I was ever getting at. But at the same time it is nice to let it out sometimes but I don't ever want this to become my heart to the world. Also I was never in love, I just wrote a heading saying it and saying "now is the hard part", because I was loving on the girl who I put a post about, "the good dresser", and was saying the hard part meaning if I ever wanted to get a girl like that, that inspires me, that I find stimulating, then I need to step my game way up because you don't often find a girl who can actually dress, and is interesting, and has something about her other then "yeah she looks good, but?" That girl on the other hand- She has "it". Most others just don't- sorry. I have almost settled for something below "it" many times before but things always happen- luckily, saving me, grabbing me back to reality, telling me this is not what I have in store for you, I have "it" when your ready, but your not ready. So now comes the hard part. Getting ready I guess.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Take into however
What the F? I thought the commercials at the Superbowl were supposed to be good. Well they proved that theory wrong last night. There were like five good ones amongst four hours of bad ones. The best one being the Doritos with the little kid. I had to play that one back a few times and it was always funny. Plus I liked the Megan Fox one but that is because she is hot so. The game was alright though but I am not a big Superbowl guy at all, I don't get the hype but I will watch it as long as I think the match-up is interesting. Not just because it is the Superbowl. Of course.
You know what I hate- no not snow, even though I do now hate the snow, but I was talking about taking the first sip of hot chocolate out of a cup where you can't ever tell how hot it is. I am not one of those people that has the balls to just go for it. I mean it took me forever to take the first sip, my lip was shaking I was so nervous. And it ended up not being that bad but I probably still went in a little to early. It was like two degrees to hot, but I don't know how people do it every morning, I can't take the build up of finding out how the first sip is, if I went in to early, to late, I would need a system down where I carry a thermometer and continue to check how hot it is for the perfect cup. I do love those mini marshmallows though. They are way better then regular marshmallows, the tinier the better in my opinion. Like I could eat handfuls of those I think. I know when I used to kill lucky charms I would eat all of those gross cereal first and just leave the marshmallows til the end. Then boom spoonfuls of marshmallows- mini colored marshmallows. Perfect.
In glamour magazine they have a thing about 10 things that make a women hot. So I am going to list them and of course give my opinion. Probably just right overrated or I agree. So here is the list:
1. Your scent: Overrated- I don't care if you smell good just don't smell bad.
2. Your lips- I agree, lips are hot but I don't like the bright red lipstick.
3. Your nails- I agree for fingernails, overrated for toenails. I hate toenails but like sweet fingernails, especially if they are interesting, like not just plain but something I would actually notice.
4. Your eyes- I agree big time. Nothing like hot eyes, I may even date a girl with hot eyes and an ugly face. Never mind no I wouldn't. I like it when they have sweet eye shadow that really makes em stand out.
5. Your neck- overrated
6. Your ear lobes- overrated- I don't like any ear things.
7. Your hair- I agree- hot hair can make a big difference. Obviously I like blonde's but any girl with good hair will do. No thinks Pink.
8. Your breast- Come on now why is this on the list, this is to obvious to put on the list, now this list is looking weaker to me.
9. Your skin- Agree- good skin can be hot but actually as long as it is not bad skin this one is kind of in the middle for me. This one would not sway me one way or another unless it was extreme like really bad skin.
10. Your collarbone- Overrated. Who cares about this?
This is just an average list. They seemed like they were struggling to come up with things to put on it like breast is to obvious and they seemed to miss out on better things that were not so obvious but a lot of guys like. I don't think these people ever ask any men. They just throw them together and figure yeah that seems about right. Guys compliment me on my hair and stare at my boobs so they must like them. Good insight Glamour.
You know what I hate- no not snow, even though I do now hate the snow, but I was talking about taking the first sip of hot chocolate out of a cup where you can't ever tell how hot it is. I am not one of those people that has the balls to just go for it. I mean it took me forever to take the first sip, my lip was shaking I was so nervous. And it ended up not being that bad but I probably still went in a little to early. It was like two degrees to hot, but I don't know how people do it every morning, I can't take the build up of finding out how the first sip is, if I went in to early, to late, I would need a system down where I carry a thermometer and continue to check how hot it is for the perfect cup. I do love those mini marshmallows though. They are way better then regular marshmallows, the tinier the better in my opinion. Like I could eat handfuls of those I think. I know when I used to kill lucky charms I would eat all of those gross cereal first and just leave the marshmallows til the end. Then boom spoonfuls of marshmallows- mini colored marshmallows. Perfect.
In glamour magazine they have a thing about 10 things that make a women hot. So I am going to list them and of course give my opinion. Probably just right overrated or I agree. So here is the list:
1. Your scent: Overrated- I don't care if you smell good just don't smell bad.
2. Your lips- I agree, lips are hot but I don't like the bright red lipstick.
3. Your nails- I agree for fingernails, overrated for toenails. I hate toenails but like sweet fingernails, especially if they are interesting, like not just plain but something I would actually notice.
4. Your eyes- I agree big time. Nothing like hot eyes, I may even date a girl with hot eyes and an ugly face. Never mind no I wouldn't. I like it when they have sweet eye shadow that really makes em stand out.
5. Your neck- overrated
6. Your ear lobes- overrated- I don't like any ear things.
7. Your hair- I agree- hot hair can make a big difference. Obviously I like blonde's but any girl with good hair will do. No thinks Pink.
8. Your breast- Come on now why is this on the list, this is to obvious to put on the list, now this list is looking weaker to me.
9. Your skin- Agree- good skin can be hot but actually as long as it is not bad skin this one is kind of in the middle for me. This one would not sway me one way or another unless it was extreme like really bad skin.
10. Your collarbone- Overrated. Who cares about this?
This is just an average list. They seemed like they were struggling to come up with things to put on it like breast is to obvious and they seemed to miss out on better things that were not so obvious but a lot of guys like. I don't think these people ever ask any men. They just throw them together and figure yeah that seems about right. Guys compliment me on my hair and stare at my boobs so they must like them. Good insight Glamour.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Snow and Stripes
I hate this freakin snow and it hasn't even begun yet. I just have to keep thinking about the furniture I will be able to buy. That gets me through it. That and my ridiculous will power that I have. Cait said she heard like 20-28 inches. Man where the heck is all this snow even going to go. I guess I can't complain as much as I want to, because atleast I have the opportunity to make good money doing this. ManI got gtown vs nova tickets tommorow and it looks like that is not going to happen. I hope the game gets postponed so we get to see it. Anyway onto much better things, like Carolina basketball- oh wait they lost again. Nevermind that. On to much better things for a second time-
The white stripes are finally releasing an album, it is a live album, their first in almost three years. Even though it is not new material, which hopefully soon enough he gets around to it among other things, but I will still be there the day it comes out buying that junk. I love ball and biscuit and live he just rips it so I have high expectations for that one. Also I just read that a new Dead Weather album is coming out in maybe as early as april. I liked their last album, didnt love it but still will be excited for the new one. So finally good things are coming on the music front atleast in my opinion. When is timberlake going to release something new- that dude takes forever. I am going to watch modern family.
I want to just write a new post really saying what is on my mind about somethings because I was kinda bitter but I just watched creflo dollar and realize that those people are really not worth my time. Actually those people are now what will be driving me for the next few weeks or as long as I can use it to continue becoming better. I once read that Michael Jordan used any little thing he could to fuel his fire regardless of what the person's intention was and push him to become who he was, so I am doing that now, anything I can find that sways me, I am using that to push me. No grudge just drive. So yeah some of you have inspired me, just without you realizing you were trying to so really thanks for that. Keep it coming.
The white stripes are finally releasing an album, it is a live album, their first in almost three years. Even though it is not new material, which hopefully soon enough he gets around to it among other things, but I will still be there the day it comes out buying that junk. I love ball and biscuit and live he just rips it so I have high expectations for that one. Also I just read that a new Dead Weather album is coming out in maybe as early as april. I liked their last album, didnt love it but still will be excited for the new one. So finally good things are coming on the music front atleast in my opinion. When is timberlake going to release something new- that dude takes forever. I am going to watch modern family.
I want to just write a new post really saying what is on my mind about somethings because I was kinda bitter but I just watched creflo dollar and realize that those people are really not worth my time. Actually those people are now what will be driving me for the next few weeks or as long as I can use it to continue becoming better. I once read that Michael Jordan used any little thing he could to fuel his fire regardless of what the person's intention was and push him to become who he was, so I am doing that now, anything I can find that sways me, I am using that to push me. No grudge just drive. So yeah some of you have inspired me, just without you realizing you were trying to so really thanks for that. Keep it coming.
What the F?
Here is a quote "What the F!"
"Really"
All my hard work wants to go right out of the building now. But I won't let it.
Thanks though.
Hahaha
"Really"
All my hard work wants to go right out of the building now. But I won't let it.
Thanks though.
Hahaha
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Beware- I am killing some people on this one you will see!
A few weeks ago I wrote in a blog called blowout about giving a dude money and helping him out among other things in the blog. So last week at bible study I had a question. So stay with me here because this may get a bit wordy but anyway. So I was saying: take person A. They see a man on the side of the road who is looking for money. So guy A who overflows with compassion and has no problem giving money gives him five dollars. Then guy B comes up and really struggles to give him money. He has to go to the lord and ask for help giving money and the lord helps him and he is able to also give 5 dollars. Well my question was if guy A should go to the lord and go to the point where he also has to struggle say at 50 dollars he starts to really struggle with giving. Now I know you would not want to give that much because that could really affect your life but my point is doesnt he want us to get to the point where we have to go to him in each thing we do. Now my pastor with the help of my mom each gave good answers. They both explained it like guy a is already good in the area of compassion and giving ahead of the guy who is struggling. Guy B is struggling just to get to where guy a already is. Now God probably does want you to come to him but he would want you to go to him in areas of compassion where you may really need him. Like for instance for me I really struggle going up and talking to people, giving money is easy I could do that way before I would talk to someone. So then stepping out of my box and leaning on the lord would be in the area of maybe working in a soup kitchen. So I can never feel superior in that regard, because there are still, even in the area of compassion things I have to really work on. Actually guy B is making more progress to me because he is trying to change. Guy A on the other hand, yes he is more compassionate but that is a blessing, not because he stepped out of his comfort zone and asked the lord for help. I know this is a long question and answer but I got mad at myself a few weeks ago because I felt I could have done more with the guy. Maybe I could have but I think I did my part.
Man the ego people have is amazing. To think you all know me at all is a joke. Yes I am misunderstood, but for some reason some people think they actually get me. Please tell me again how I should live my life.
You know I don't really get people and to be honest the more I try to relate the more I want to go into my shell, my head. With almost every person, every conversation or email or text that I knew was coming I have already had the conversation in my head. And hardly ever do the people meet my standards. If I ever say I am not writing this email for a reply that is a nice way of saying don't reply to me because I don't want to hear what you have to say. I am writing things to get it off my chest, not to hear your weak response. Its like I am never pleasently surprised and just blown away by how someone treats me or acts towards me, or responds towards me, so is it me? Not to say it doesn't happen because it does but those are the rare times that I really love. But not that I have been giving out any inspiring moments myself but I don't talk to anyone so, I have an excuse. Right? It is like I have to go through all the junk to get to one thing that inspires me. So I have to look for it in music or books or movies and spirituality because there are plenty of people in movies that have that certain something where you say man does that really happen. I won't ever tell someone how they should respond or what I expect from them but lets just say most of the time I walk away saying yep that is exactly what I was hoping would not happen but it always does. Always dissapoints. When is someone going to better the conversation that took place in my head? Please someone that is all I want, for me to read or talk to someone and be like man that was way better then I ever could have imagined. Not "man that was not that good." Yeah my expectations are high, maybe you all should raise yours though. You would think now that since it happens so often I would be more negative about it but no I always keep the hope that the conversation will be something amazing so I keep trying putting myself out there hoping to get it back but I am done with trying right now to others outside of a few people. Not talking- that is probably best. I really think it is me though. Because it happens all the time and I don't ever hear others complain about it. I do think that there are people out there who can actually inspire. People do have a positive effect on how I live, they do impact my life all the time, but to me saying something that really takes me by surprise and leaves me really loving - wanting more is rare. Me finding, through all there junk and whatever they are trying to get across, some sort of impact on how I should live my life that is way different then inspiration. Inspiration is someone I strive to be like. And you don't have that. I don't feel as though I really impact people's lives that much either but that is because I don't really get the chance to but that is not on me it's on them. I guess it's the passion. Maybe I think people lack the passion, yeah I think that is it. People laugh and cry and go through the emotions but where is the passion on everyday life. Why is it that something dramatic has to happen in our lives to really get a passionate response whether it be crying or whatever it may be. I think people also lack the depth. Man I am just killing people tonight. Good thing I am not saying any names haha. Sometimes I find myself writing or talking the way I hate when other people do it. I will be talking or writing someone and will leave or reread that and be like man that was awful and a waste of time. Probably what you all are saying about this blog right now. So my point is if we are talking I am sure I already had the conversation in my head and mine was better. I guess hearing your response is part of life, but how about you try and say something that I didn't see coming, blah blah blah, write something that I want to reread not just skim through because it was not interesting enough. We all get those letters that are really good that we have to reread. I have gotten a few in my day. I don't send out the good letters anymore because well it is not in me at this point in my life. I only write boring letters now and for a little over a month- welcome to your world right. Maybe that is the thing maybe all the good conversation, all the good letters are going elsewhere. You know when two people are on a date and it is just painful to watch. No chemistry. That is how I feel most of the time with people, painful. So next time I talk to any of you all please make it interesting. I am sure knowing how I am right now, I wont be interesting but just because I am not being interesting at the moment doesn't mean you can't just be. I can turn it on like that don't worry. Or maybe you think your interesting and I just didnt realize. If that is the case then I apologize, and better luck next time. And I know I am coming across with an ego but I actually have to sit there an listen to this stuff you guys put out and say. And actually act interested. That is pretty hard to do. Lord you are really testing me here making me sit here and listen or read this stuff that is in front of me and act interested. I think I would rather give money. What I really want to say, is be quiet, maybe I should tell you that so your ego is not so big. Thanks but no thanks, just warn me beforehand please so I know what is coming. Actually nevermind I already knew what was coming, I was just hoping for some reason that just this one time I would actually be captivated. Nope!
Man the ego people have is amazing. To think you all know me at all is a joke. Yes I am misunderstood, but for some reason some people think they actually get me. Please tell me again how I should live my life.
You know I don't really get people and to be honest the more I try to relate the more I want to go into my shell, my head. With almost every person, every conversation or email or text that I knew was coming I have already had the conversation in my head. And hardly ever do the people meet my standards. If I ever say I am not writing this email for a reply that is a nice way of saying don't reply to me because I don't want to hear what you have to say. I am writing things to get it off my chest, not to hear your weak response. Its like I am never pleasently surprised and just blown away by how someone treats me or acts towards me, or responds towards me, so is it me? Not to say it doesn't happen because it does but those are the rare times that I really love. But not that I have been giving out any inspiring moments myself but I don't talk to anyone so, I have an excuse. Right? It is like I have to go through all the junk to get to one thing that inspires me. So I have to look for it in music or books or movies and spirituality because there are plenty of people in movies that have that certain something where you say man does that really happen. I won't ever tell someone how they should respond or what I expect from them but lets just say most of the time I walk away saying yep that is exactly what I was hoping would not happen but it always does. Always dissapoints. When is someone going to better the conversation that took place in my head? Please someone that is all I want, for me to read or talk to someone and be like man that was way better then I ever could have imagined. Not "man that was not that good." Yeah my expectations are high, maybe you all should raise yours though. You would think now that since it happens so often I would be more negative about it but no I always keep the hope that the conversation will be something amazing so I keep trying putting myself out there hoping to get it back but I am done with trying right now to others outside of a few people. Not talking- that is probably best. I really think it is me though. Because it happens all the time and I don't ever hear others complain about it. I do think that there are people out there who can actually inspire. People do have a positive effect on how I live, they do impact my life all the time, but to me saying something that really takes me by surprise and leaves me really loving - wanting more is rare. Me finding, through all there junk and whatever they are trying to get across, some sort of impact on how I should live my life that is way different then inspiration. Inspiration is someone I strive to be like. And you don't have that. I don't feel as though I really impact people's lives that much either but that is because I don't really get the chance to but that is not on me it's on them. I guess it's the passion. Maybe I think people lack the passion, yeah I think that is it. People laugh and cry and go through the emotions but where is the passion on everyday life. Why is it that something dramatic has to happen in our lives to really get a passionate response whether it be crying or whatever it may be. I think people also lack the depth. Man I am just killing people tonight. Good thing I am not saying any names haha. Sometimes I find myself writing or talking the way I hate when other people do it. I will be talking or writing someone and will leave or reread that and be like man that was awful and a waste of time. Probably what you all are saying about this blog right now. So my point is if we are talking I am sure I already had the conversation in my head and mine was better. I guess hearing your response is part of life, but how about you try and say something that I didn't see coming, blah blah blah, write something that I want to reread not just skim through because it was not interesting enough. We all get those letters that are really good that we have to reread. I have gotten a few in my day. I don't send out the good letters anymore because well it is not in me at this point in my life. I only write boring letters now and for a little over a month- welcome to your world right. Maybe that is the thing maybe all the good conversation, all the good letters are going elsewhere. You know when two people are on a date and it is just painful to watch. No chemistry. That is how I feel most of the time with people, painful. So next time I talk to any of you all please make it interesting. I am sure knowing how I am right now, I wont be interesting but just because I am not being interesting at the moment doesn't mean you can't just be. I can turn it on like that don't worry. Or maybe you think your interesting and I just didnt realize. If that is the case then I apologize, and better luck next time. And I know I am coming across with an ego but I actually have to sit there an listen to this stuff you guys put out and say. And actually act interested. That is pretty hard to do. Lord you are really testing me here making me sit here and listen or read this stuff that is in front of me and act interested. I think I would rather give money. What I really want to say, is be quiet, maybe I should tell you that so your ego is not so big. Thanks but no thanks, just warn me beforehand please so I know what is coming. Actually nevermind I already knew what was coming, I was just hoping for some reason that just this one time I would actually be captivated. Nope!
Monopoly and Hannah
Have you seen the new board for monopoly? I just saw the shot of it on the yahoo site.
http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/108764/monopoly-gets-a-makeover-but-will-die-hard-fans-buy-it??mod=family-home
I don't think I like it that much. First off it says you can use a debit card. Well I don't use a debit card in real life. Actually maybe if I practice on monopoly I won't look like an idiot when I go to use one in real life. But now the board is circular- what the f? I need my classic park place and square board. What is this circle all about? And now it says no more little pieces like the guy kickin it on the horse about to get bucked off, or the boot, or the roadster. No now it is chips. Who ever wants to say yeah I will be blue chip when I could say yeah I want to be the freakin sweet top hat, and then I will always do the classic "how do you do my lady" joke with the tip of my hat to a girl in the room that always leaves the room dying. I have never done that but now I won't ever be able to either. Thanks monopoly guy. Now that joke will not work with a blue chip. I am not a huge monopoly guy(ace ventura 2) but I still like my game as the classic edition. And now it says it has songs and stuff on the new one. Why the heck does it have songs? It says it still retains the Atlantic city streets so at least that is good, I will refuse to play if park place is not on it- that is where I draw the line. Soon they will have Disney "guess who" and scooby do where are you? "clue"- wait they already have that.
Enough game talk, I just wanted to say that I actually really like the song by Miley Cyrus-Party in the U.S.A , and I was listening to it today when I noticed her say "my tummy's turning and I'm feeling kinda home sick." What the F Hannah? No one over the age of 8 should be allowed to use the word tummy and the only reason anyone does is when they are talking to a kid under the age of 8. She actually uses it twice, so next time you are listening to that song, listen for that gross word and make sure your bitter like I am about it. I will still listen to the song but I will always talk over that part. Thanks Miley.
My mom just got a new vacumn- a dyson and she is killin it downstairs doing a showcase for anyone who walks by. I have yet to walk by but I saw her getting red wine and coffee and dirt earlier, just like in the commercial to see if it really does work like they say it does. Oh she just called me, I guess it's my turn to test run it, see if I want to buy one whenever I move.
http://finance.yahoo.com/career-work/article/108764/monopoly-gets-a-makeover-but-will-die-hard-fans-buy-it??mod=family-home
I don't think I like it that much. First off it says you can use a debit card. Well I don't use a debit card in real life. Actually maybe if I practice on monopoly I won't look like an idiot when I go to use one in real life. But now the board is circular- what the f? I need my classic park place and square board. What is this circle all about? And now it says no more little pieces like the guy kickin it on the horse about to get bucked off, or the boot, or the roadster. No now it is chips. Who ever wants to say yeah I will be blue chip when I could say yeah I want to be the freakin sweet top hat, and then I will always do the classic "how do you do my lady" joke with the tip of my hat to a girl in the room that always leaves the room dying. I have never done that but now I won't ever be able to either. Thanks monopoly guy. Now that joke will not work with a blue chip. I am not a huge monopoly guy(ace ventura 2) but I still like my game as the classic edition. And now it says it has songs and stuff on the new one. Why the heck does it have songs? It says it still retains the Atlantic city streets so at least that is good, I will refuse to play if park place is not on it- that is where I draw the line. Soon they will have Disney "guess who" and scooby do where are you? "clue"- wait they already have that.
Enough game talk, I just wanted to say that I actually really like the song by Miley Cyrus-Party in the U.S.A , and I was listening to it today when I noticed her say "my tummy's turning and I'm feeling kinda home sick." What the F Hannah? No one over the age of 8 should be allowed to use the word tummy and the only reason anyone does is when they are talking to a kid under the age of 8. She actually uses it twice, so next time you are listening to that song, listen for that gross word and make sure your bitter like I am about it. I will still listen to the song but I will always talk over that part. Thanks Miley.
My mom just got a new vacumn- a dyson and she is killin it downstairs doing a showcase for anyone who walks by. I have yet to walk by but I saw her getting red wine and coffee and dirt earlier, just like in the commercial to see if it really does work like they say it does. Oh she just called me, I guess it's my turn to test run it, see if I want to buy one whenever I move.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Doubt
Mark 11:24: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
As much as I believe that scripture from the bible, I still doubt. I think it is normal and something I have to work through, just another step I think, but that is where I am at right now. As I get closer to God on a daily basis now, realizing how to pray and just becoming better, I ask for so much but I still continue to have doubts about what is going to get done. I see now how lost I was for awhile, and still am in some ways. My priorities were everything else first then God. It was like "oh I will get around to prayer, he knows what I am thinking." Haha yeah he does, he also knows that I was too lazy to get around to it really, and that my spirituality was taking a back seat to life. I hope that doesn't happen again, I need it to be God- top priority, then everything else.
At a bible study recently, as I had been reading some different books and of course I question everything because I am curious and love to ask questions and my mind always wanders. My pastor knows this and knows where I am coming from and tells me it is good to look for these answer, but anyway I was like I know that reading the bible is important but if prayer is our daily way of speaking to and with God, why should we just not read the bible as a history lesson, what should we get out it really because the person next to me will have completely different problems then I do, so how can the bible answer them all individually. Now I know the bible is important but my point was should we focus more on prayer then the bible? What he said to me didn't really hit me right then but it has sunk in ever since. He said that when you pray, you ask for understanding and knowledge, and that your in thinking is in line with God. He will speak to you but also you have not only God but also the devil and your own thoughts going on in your head. Before you make a decision, after you have prayed about it, whatever thought you get, go to the bible and make sure the decision you have is in line with what the bible says.
Now I don't ever do that because I trust my own judgement but why should I trust my own self so much. Yeah I have made a lot of great choices in my life but I have made just as many bad ones also. Trusting in God and trying to only hear his voice is so difficult but I think the more you do it the easier it gets. The easier it gets to not hear what you want to hear and hear what God wants you to hear. In the past 5-6 months I have been hearing only what I want to hear, doing what I think is best and I am embarrassed of the way I acted. I regret some things but at the same time I have to learn from each of them.
The most recent for instance, I was talking online and texting with a girl just as friends but it got to the point where I was so over the top and just typical me -pushy, overbearing, obsessive (I sound like a stalker but I wasn't that bad, just bad enough for my mom to say chris I get you but to everyone else you come off as a pain and too pushy so stop- haha) not pushing her to like me just I dont know just being annoying, haha either way she actually had to say we could not be friends at that point. Her situation had changed, she started talking to another guy which is really cool and I wanted her to be happy and I think everyone needs someone in their life that makes them happy, that was never my issue I just didn't know how to be a friend and just enjoy the friendship she could offer me at that moment however little it was at that point it should have been fine but no. If I wasn't acting the way I was it would not have ever come to her having to say that and it should not have to come to that ever. I don't know if she handled it as best as she should but I pushed her in a corner where she didnt have much of a choice so I don't fault her for that at all. I really didn't expect anything from her but at the same time I enjoyed her so much and don't really know how to be friends, ask my so called friends, so I was doubting myself in the situation. If I would have just relaxed and let the situation unfold naturally instead of forcing what I wanted and needed because of insecurities then I would still have a person I respect in my life that I can talk to. But at the same time it has got me here thinking about it so at least that is good because I am turning a real negative into a positive. The bible speaks about how hard times are good for us because we go to him in those times. I see that now, so as much as I hate the hard times, I like where it has me going and realize I don't want to step backwards to where I was. But another thing, my sister just told me she talked to a girl I used to date awhile ago, they are now way better friends then me and her of course, well she emailed me a few months ago, we did the small talk thing and I thought it was over so I stopped it. Then my sister hung with her the other day and she said she was upset with me because I just stopped talking to her for no reason and was being mean. She even told her husband I was hating. Come On. Haha see told you not a good friend- but I didn't mean anything by it I just thought we were done talking. Now you see my two extremes- one person has to tell me to stop talking to her, the other gets mad that I don't talk. All or nothing once again.
I am very hard on myself, and am a control freak, so the hardest thing for me is to give up control. That is why that verse just kills me, because it is saying not only do you have to believe but you have to give yourself to him. He is not going to just give you something but allow you to still be in control. The believe that God can do anything is easy, the believe that I can let go, not doubt, and that everything will turn out better then I can imagine is a wall I can't seem to climb. But in my reflection I realize my biggest fault(o.k. fine one of my biggest) and it's on me to just trust in him.
On a site I read this: "Submitting to God is loving God, getting as close to him as you can, and drawing strength and comfort and direction from him. God’s directions are seldom that clear, although when the situation demands that degree of clarity, he will give it. Mostly, God leads by such things as vague feelings. That can be frustrating, but it’s our opportunity to let faith rise, trusting God to guide with whatever degree of clarity divine wisdom knows is best, while we play our part by drawing close and listening intently. God and I seem to have an on-going argument. ‘Speak louder!’ I keep telling God. And I think he keeps replying, ‘Listen harder!’ "
Haha that is me, but I see that everyone has to go through this step. I am no different.
I'm gonna leave you with this quote by Jane Adams that sums me up right now moving forward with things I want to do in my life:
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt."
As much as I believe that scripture from the bible, I still doubt. I think it is normal and something I have to work through, just another step I think, but that is where I am at right now. As I get closer to God on a daily basis now, realizing how to pray and just becoming better, I ask for so much but I still continue to have doubts about what is going to get done. I see now how lost I was for awhile, and still am in some ways. My priorities were everything else first then God. It was like "oh I will get around to prayer, he knows what I am thinking." Haha yeah he does, he also knows that I was too lazy to get around to it really, and that my spirituality was taking a back seat to life. I hope that doesn't happen again, I need it to be God- top priority, then everything else.
At a bible study recently, as I had been reading some different books and of course I question everything because I am curious and love to ask questions and my mind always wanders. My pastor knows this and knows where I am coming from and tells me it is good to look for these answer, but anyway I was like I know that reading the bible is important but if prayer is our daily way of speaking to and with God, why should we just not read the bible as a history lesson, what should we get out it really because the person next to me will have completely different problems then I do, so how can the bible answer them all individually. Now I know the bible is important but my point was should we focus more on prayer then the bible? What he said to me didn't really hit me right then but it has sunk in ever since. He said that when you pray, you ask for understanding and knowledge, and that your in thinking is in line with God. He will speak to you but also you have not only God but also the devil and your own thoughts going on in your head. Before you make a decision, after you have prayed about it, whatever thought you get, go to the bible and make sure the decision you have is in line with what the bible says.
Now I don't ever do that because I trust my own judgement but why should I trust my own self so much. Yeah I have made a lot of great choices in my life but I have made just as many bad ones also. Trusting in God and trying to only hear his voice is so difficult but I think the more you do it the easier it gets. The easier it gets to not hear what you want to hear and hear what God wants you to hear. In the past 5-6 months I have been hearing only what I want to hear, doing what I think is best and I am embarrassed of the way I acted. I regret some things but at the same time I have to learn from each of them.
The most recent for instance, I was talking online and texting with a girl just as friends but it got to the point where I was so over the top and just typical me -pushy, overbearing, obsessive (I sound like a stalker but I wasn't that bad, just bad enough for my mom to say chris I get you but to everyone else you come off as a pain and too pushy so stop- haha) not pushing her to like me just I dont know just being annoying, haha either way she actually had to say we could not be friends at that point. Her situation had changed, she started talking to another guy which is really cool and I wanted her to be happy and I think everyone needs someone in their life that makes them happy, that was never my issue I just didn't know how to be a friend and just enjoy the friendship she could offer me at that moment however little it was at that point it should have been fine but no. If I wasn't acting the way I was it would not have ever come to her having to say that and it should not have to come to that ever. I don't know if she handled it as best as she should but I pushed her in a corner where she didnt have much of a choice so I don't fault her for that at all. I really didn't expect anything from her but at the same time I enjoyed her so much and don't really know how to be friends, ask my so called friends, so I was doubting myself in the situation. If I would have just relaxed and let the situation unfold naturally instead of forcing what I wanted and needed because of insecurities then I would still have a person I respect in my life that I can talk to. But at the same time it has got me here thinking about it so at least that is good because I am turning a real negative into a positive. The bible speaks about how hard times are good for us because we go to him in those times. I see that now, so as much as I hate the hard times, I like where it has me going and realize I don't want to step backwards to where I was. But another thing, my sister just told me she talked to a girl I used to date awhile ago, they are now way better friends then me and her of course, well she emailed me a few months ago, we did the small talk thing and I thought it was over so I stopped it. Then my sister hung with her the other day and she said she was upset with me because I just stopped talking to her for no reason and was being mean. She even told her husband I was hating. Come On. Haha see told you not a good friend- but I didn't mean anything by it I just thought we were done talking. Now you see my two extremes- one person has to tell me to stop talking to her, the other gets mad that I don't talk. All or nothing once again.
I am very hard on myself, and am a control freak, so the hardest thing for me is to give up control. That is why that verse just kills me, because it is saying not only do you have to believe but you have to give yourself to him. He is not going to just give you something but allow you to still be in control. The believe that God can do anything is easy, the believe that I can let go, not doubt, and that everything will turn out better then I can imagine is a wall I can't seem to climb. But in my reflection I realize my biggest fault(o.k. fine one of my biggest) and it's on me to just trust in him.
On a site I read this: "Submitting to God is loving God, getting as close to him as you can, and drawing strength and comfort and direction from him. God’s directions are seldom that clear, although when the situation demands that degree of clarity, he will give it. Mostly, God leads by such things as vague feelings. That can be frustrating, but it’s our opportunity to let faith rise, trusting God to guide with whatever degree of clarity divine wisdom knows is best, while we play our part by drawing close and listening intently. God and I seem to have an on-going argument. ‘Speak louder!’ I keep telling God. And I think he keeps replying, ‘Listen harder!’ "
Haha that is me, but I see that everyone has to go through this step. I am no different.
I'm gonna leave you with this quote by Jane Adams that sums me up right now moving forward with things I want to do in my life:
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt."
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