Thick girl

I wonder- if I tell a thick girl, "I don't know if I could handle you but I would like to try" do you think they would take that as a compliment? I mean I am saying I would like to try so obviously I think they are hot, or at least close to hot I guess, but I get it that they don't want to hear that they are thick and if they could be handled. Jeez ladies I call it like I see it. I saw a thing online for what girls look for most in guys. What I love to read glamour- purely for the topics to bring up on my blogs not for enjoyment. Honesty was really high so why don't they respect it when I tell them they are thick. Haha I would never say that now- I would have years ago but I have learned my lesson- I just think it. Wierd that humor is really always high on girls list. Am I missing something. Maybe I don't have the humor girls like. They should specify which type of humor they want- I have been working this hard to perfect the list of what girls want and now I find out they want a goofy sense of humor that they understand. Not something that takes them a few reads or a minute to let it sink in. Back to the drawing board right? The joke drawing board- zing- did you ladies just love that joke I said- I hope not because I can't bring myself to say many more corny jokes. But I do love a girl who will tell a corny joke here and there, as long as she knows it's corny and not actually creative. Almost as if she is saying it with a wink. Mostly because there is nothing better then a lady who winks. Where are you my love? Oh right I missed out on you when I called you thick- my deepest apologies. You didn't seem to appreciate my wink like I did yours. Now were both missing out my love.

Where I am at?

So I don't know if this will be my last post or not and I have probably already lost all my readers. Maybe all five of them but thanks for reading I guess. When I first started I was going through some things and needed to write, and then I got past that and just wanted to start writing to see if I could write something interesting. The few people who I know did read it all told me they would laugh out loud at it so that always feels good. I knew that if I would laugh out loud as I was writing then that would be good enough to post. I realized that it is hard to come up with things to write, but I also realized that when I just sit back and flow it seems to come out and I am half the time like wtf how did I get onto that. I know my sense of humor is not for everyone and I also know that it is out there but I want everyone to be able to separate my stories from myself. I figure all the people who know me know I am nothing like my character I write about but at the same time, if someone were to happen onto my blog, I hope they know it's just that. A story that is really odd and just funny and not to be anything more. I think people get that so I am fine with it. I was inspired early this year by things and needed to take a deep look at where I was in life. I just didn't like the person I was being. I was insecure, a pain, critical, controlling, very very black and white, and really only wanted what I wanted. I am still those things and I think I will always struggle with those traits but I just have to learn how to tame them and use them as good. Those are me so I don't want them to just vanish but at the same time alot of that has lead me to where I was not happy with who I was because I always thought well this is me, why should I change. Well I should change 1 because I don't like that person, and 2 because what has being you gotten you, not where you want to be. A huge ego and pride along with insecurity is what I was. A contradiction I know but that was me and still am, just now more aware. I realized that I can't control no matter how much I want to, what people are going to do with their life. Everyone sees the world differently and has to find their own path. That is what makes the world go round but it is hard to just sit back and allow it to happen around you. I know where I stand and if people don't want to talk to me for whatever reason or me in their life then that is on them and I just have to move on from it. I hope they feel they made the correct choice and I will never hold it against them because they felt it was right at that time in their life. I think when that happens we will always be disappointed but we have to realize that they think what they are doing is right for them at that moment and pray that everything works out for them. I had to be more genuine, I wrote someone once to get something from her, not even noticing that I was just using her. I felt bad later because it was mean to do that even if I didn't mean it. I apologized but she never said anything but I hope she knows it was not my intent. I do though see how weak I am in my faith, I just don't discuss it much, but I admire the people who just let it out there. I always tell people who do, and I hope one day I am strong enough to in person, or just get the platform where I feel comfortable and have a voice.

I've been listening to a ton of podcast on theology and religion as I work and it has really opened up my mind. The one I was listening to the other day was talking about fundamentalism and talking about being in this culture but not of this culture, a spin on what Jesus said in John
"15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever."

I am trying to find that balance in my life, where I enjoy this culture and take what it has to offer but I don't allow it to dictate my life or take me where I don't want to be. I have always been really good about not doing things just because others do it but still I find myself boxed in to things that I want to do and don't because of what others may think. It is never sin that I am talking about but things I believe I was put here to do but am not strong enough to do on my own and not strong enough in my faith to lean on God to push me through.

I don't know how all this came up just now but anyway I am writing this to say I am working on things with my friends that will come out soon. I hope you all will spread the word when we finally get out there. It will be definitely my sense of humor with sports and other things mixed in but it will not be personal at all. I don't know what I will do with this because in a few months I won't be as busy work wise but hopefully have a very strict schedule with things I want to get into. Anyway I will let you all know what is up, and I guess for now that is it. Check out the theology podcast on itunes or just type them in on yahoo search. I found one I really like called theology unplugged but it is pretty heady if you like that sort of thing. Alright until next time I guess.

Bitter

I don't know if people think like me but I tend to over think things. Maybe most people are like that. Right now my head, it's like I can't seem to get out what I want, I am thinking about things but what am I trying to say, what am I thinking about right now that I can't get past. I don't know. It's weird how I get these moments and they never sit well with me.

Alright so maybe this is what I am thinking: so I am reading about music, listening to songs, and it hits me, in every part of my life I look for something that is just amazing. That moment where I am just blown away, that I feel like man am I the only one who sees this. With music or movies or words from sermons or great writers it seems to come easy. Me on the other hand I think I worry that I won't leave that mark on people ever. I don't think you ever really know how you touch people, and I keep to myself a lot and try to guard myself off in the real world because I feel the real me should be given to people I really respect and admire. Those few people actually get that reaction from me, the same as a song, or movie, or inspiring words, but on a much bigger scale where I just become overloaded and get caught up. Books or music are always there, they always continue to inspire me, and they never decide they have had enough. That sounds like such a loser thing to say and it probably sheds light on my social skills and a bit of why I am like I am. People continue to amaze me and confuse me and it's sad that I have never known something greater. By greater I don't just mean in a relationship. Don't think you all in something just get that, most relationships you say ehh alright they are fine, but I would not trade for it. I don't want to be in something like that. They have to have something where I am like when I get in a relationship I want something similar to that. I know it has crushed me when I have tried to give and people just push away. I totally get it so I am never mad at the person. Frustrated yeah of course, but I think people have to do what they feel is best for them at the time. I would love to think that they are missing out which I know they are because lets face it they will never meet anyone else like me, but I think I am much more affected by it and the fact that I do try so hard is probably the reason they pull away but they don't get me either. Who cares though right? It is just one of the many struggles people go through and I am no different. Wait I thought I was different, now I am just like you. NOOOOOOO.

So I saw this thing about astrology which I believe in and when I was born, I am on the cusp but it does describe me well:
"Scorpio is the sign of extremes. Scorpio people are often described as powerful yet weak, independent yet clingy, passionate yet cold. Scorpios are often a bundle of walking contradiction, encompassing the best & worst in human nature. The key to your personality is intensity. Magnetic, emotional, capable of exerting tremendous force, your strength is hidden in your depths."

"The complexity of your mind often makes it difficult for you to just skim the surface of anything. Once you want to know something (or someone), you want to know everything about it. Your relationships are usually complicated. This isn't too surprising as you can be simultaneously generous, affectionate, & unpredictable. Even in your sunniest moods, there is always a hint of impending change." "With you, it is either all or nothing at all. Moderation & restraint are not familiar to your vocabulary. "


That seems to be very correct and if I may add my downfall. Haha I seem to be giving too much away about myself. Really though most of those things are very true and summed up what I was trying to say. That I feel like a contradiction and that I would love to inspire the world really but I will take just the ones that inspire me first. Some of those things I don't like in myself. All or nothing has affected me in way to many parts of my life and that really needs to change. I used to think oh well this is me, this is how I am supposed to be, I should not have to change, but that is never the attitude that greatest people in life have, as you read people way smarter then me they say no, just because that is you doesn't mean its correct and I realized that. I was reading the book on the five love languages. I really don't know mine yet, but the point is that in it you see how relationships could fall apart because they are each giving what they want to get in return from their partner. That is the natural for them. But the marriage is falling apart and they don't know why because they feel they are giving. But the author shows them, it's not just about you, not what you want, it's not just what comes natural. It's about doing what the other person wants so if your a good gift giver but don't like spending quality time but she doesn't care about the gifts she just wants the time, well suck it up and spend the quality time, not because its who you are but because you love her. I know I would probably fail because I would be like look you married me you knew I didn't like quality time. Now take this F'ing diamond ring from Kay's and strut your stuff and leave me alone the game is on. Let's hope not though. No trust me I will be real sweet at that point like oh you are physical touch, well let me gently touch your neck and surprise I just physically touched you with my junk- I know your love language, so I know how much you love that. I am sweet.

I apologize for this post this was really long and just kind of boring. I will get you all back with a funny one. You know I am always like I don't want to make it personal yet I always do. I need to stop saying that statement because I look like a numbnut. I know though in person I would not be as open, it's much easier just flowing.

Here it is

I wrote this on my fb page that way everyone thinks I am deep.

"I just realized my outrageous expectations that I put on myself and others has blocked or ruined everything I have wanted in my life. Where the F do I go with that? I have pushed myself into a lonely existence. If only I could be more like you."

Haha, it is actually very true though, my expectations keep me from being great. In my head at least. They keep me from dating- no one can live up to my expectations I place on them, and I don't blame them, why should they have to when all people want is just to first have a good time and joke around with me. Not with me though, I need the world, but the crazy thing is I don't think my expectations are that high, everyone else just keeps telling me they are. They keep me from doing things that need to be done in order to be truly happy. God didn't put me on earth with this talent and these thoughts no one thinks of just to sit on a computer and type to four people and make them LOL. Thank you for that though. For awhile I just saw it as me being me, but now I see it as, yes it is me but either way I have to step up my game, not allow the expectations I have ruin what I want in life. But I think what has to happen is my fear of being nothing has to be greater than my fear of not living up to what my expectations are of well basically everything. I believe we are run by fear. I know I am. I am just run by the wrong fear. I believe we pray for something and if it is in God's will he will lay it before you. Now we have the free will 1. we want it bad enough to go get it, or 2. we let it sit there and it passes us by. I think I am doing a lot of 2. I wrote this on my fb page a few weeks ago, I heard a sermon online and the pastor said "It is not what you are, it is what you are willing to become." I was blown away by that. It just hit me: yeah I may be blessed with things in my life, and yes I am grateful for those things, but so what, what am I willing to do to use those blessing to get to where I am meant to be. That is the question for all of us. Am I willing to step out of my box, am I willing to not resort back to the old me and just push people away. Up until now no matter how much I would have loved to say yes, it has always been no, no I am not willing to do those things, and look where it has left me. Not to say I am unhappy, cause as days go by I am always happy and joking, it's just I don't feel like I am fulfilling my purpose in life, that I am wasting away things given to me by God, because I am to scared to change and my insecurities are killing me. I am just rambling big time. But I think I am in a good place. I was listening to a thing about Peter, where he was talking about struggles and how God has put these struggles on him but instead of resenting God for it, he has embraced it because with these struggles, comes a realization that you can't do this alone, and with that you go to God and finally say Help. So struggles are good because it then becomes less about you and more about God. Maybe I am struggling enough that I finally say I can't do this at all.

Man did I just rock a sermon out on you all. You all were here to read about wieners and then you get me talking all kinds of junk. I have tried to separate the blog from my real mind but occasionally things slip in and this is what goes through my mind along with really funny things like you all see. It is trying to keep a balance between where I am headed in life and also what just comes into my head and what I find funny. I know people would be like how can you talk like this and then talk about God but I am very spiritual and am trying to grow daily by immersing myself in it but at the same time, God has given me this humor and I feel the need to use it to write things I find funny. I don't see a problem with it but I am sure people would but lets see what they are hiding and then we shall judge. If the worst I do is bring too much expectations on people and write about trimming my junk I think I am doing alright. Now lets get onto trimming my junk.

Me time

Ok so you can tell April has been a busy month, will it get any less busy in the next one- we shall see. Part of me hopes yeah because I like to have me time which I hate when people say that but also if I am busy that means I am probably making money so. As I am working I think of things to write but never get around to it. But for the last week I have been thinking of facebook status things and I will just be sitting their laughing, usually doing a little shimmy as I am listening to my mp3, and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I have put a few of them on facebook so your probably wondering wtf is this guy talking about and I think that is a good thing. I want it to be where most of the people are like what is the deal with this guy, but then a very few people get it and find it funny. I don't really care for just status updates that are not at least interesting but what should I expect from those people right? I never wrote any status updates and now I have like 6 in one week. I wonder what it's like to not be able to come up with really interesting thoughts to entertain yourself. To just be always focused on reality, worried about things, job, kids, money. Yeah there is a time for that but still, I think that is part of the reason I just am always by myself, I just like my own thoughts so much and I don't find many people who compliment my thoughts and actually enhance them. Probably why if I find them I try so hard to hold them close until one day I say F it. It is rare for me, I don't think its so rare for others-unless I just don't enhance anyone else's thoughts- that they don't need my humor or my take in their life. I guess there is not much need for me talking about punching a girl in the stomach because my mouth is full, just to get my point across- I can't wait to finish chewing it had to be in the moment. It is weird to think about that like a connection with someone- not in a dating way just in general. I mean often times we meet someone and were like yeah they are cool but that is the end of it, but how many people do we meet from the hundreds we see everyday there are only a few that come into our lives and have a great impact that just click. I go back and forth on if "everything" happens for a reason because it is hard for me to believe God micromanages that much, I think he just lets us make our decisions and we have to trust in him that we are making the right one. I think I probably make the wrong ones often, most of the time I know it, perfection is a thing I don't even hit 10 min. into the day. I think people hope and pray they make the right decision but most of the time it's wrong but the lucky thing is we get to try again. I mean I have prayed for certain things hard, felt good about what I was going to do and it ended up the wrong decision but how do I know in the end I wasn't still listening to my own head. It's hard but he has made it easy on us because we can always know he will be there, we just have to keep pushing forward. I am not close to where I need to be mentally, I am letting things slip, I want all parts of my life going in the right direction but as I am busy with work its hard to juggle everything. Months ago I was not busy at all and someone I was cool with was saying they were just really busy, had alot going on and I was thinking in my head, what is the big deal. But I totally get it now, and even though I don't think I am expecting much ever, now I see how hard it is even to find time to play guitar for 30 mins or whatever it is. And the pressure can be overwhelming even if you don't mean to ever put that on them. I guess you constantly learn things and are forced to look back at mistakes and either say well that is just me or say, I have to change so that that doesn't happen again, have to change for the better. It cost me something mentally, it did change me, but you can take any situation and get a positive out of it and many times it is just looking at things from their point of view and the rest is on them to see my view. If they don't want to make a change then that is on them, between them and God and their soul. I am very critical of others but extremely critical of myself which I think is the only way to go but it is hard when something doesn't go right according to me and I can't do anything about it. There are some that are totally in tune with God and their own thoughts that as soon as things happen around them they feel the urgency, they challenge themselves, not for others to see, but so they can again be at peace with where they are at. But in my case I make so many dumb mistakes I am always looking uphill. I like the people though that are looking uphill with me.

My corner

So I just left a really really long message like you like, breaking it down real personal. But guess what. I erased the freaking thing because well I don't want anyone to see it. So it did the trick. It got me to write what I was thinking, put it out there for me to see and get rid of and at the same time not let any of you all actually know what it was. It was pretty good I might add. But I am sure you figured that. It was busting on people, calling people out, actually it was none of that it was all about me of course. You shall never know what the F it said. Here though I will leave you with this. It is a sweet song by Vince Gill. The lyrics are good. It was the best version I could find on youtube so. Its called Somethings never get old. You have to fast forward it to like 2:56 to hear the song, and not him just talking. I saw him in concert- underrated guitarist.

There's a Thousand you's there's only One of me

Look Real Close
You get the point?

Stronger
"I don't know if you got a man or not, if you made plans or not,
god put me in your plans or not? I'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lot.
but I know that god put you in front of me so how the hell could you front on me
there's a thousand you's there's only one of me"
I
didn't
think
so!

Truth

Why am I not surprised that you all believe half the stuff I write on here. Yeah you assume I can come up with stories where you say yeah that's fake, but that the other things I say are real because they why would I just make it up. They don't seem that far out there and you can relate to them. Maybe they seem real because that is what people go through everyday- but then it wouldn't take much thought to come up with them either and pass them off as my own. Just think? Hmmm what are people feeling, what are the emotions most people go through at this point. Sounds good, I'm might write it. Well let me just say now-don't believe everything you read on here, actually maybe don't believe anything you read on here and then you won't assume you know things about me, just take it for what it is as a story. Not to say that I don't write things that are true, but I won't let you in on that part either.

What the F right?

Push

I have very high expectations of the people that are important to me in my life. To be honest though I expect nothing from you nor do I have any expectations of how you live your life. You will do just average on your own-I'm sure of that. I think of you - sure, but one of the goals that I have for myself, is that I get to the point where I never think twice about you, and you can't get me out of your head. Until those days I have to push, until finally one day I surprise myself and succeed beyond my own expectations and continue to. You just have to keep underwhelming like you do. You will be fine.

"I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen." Frank Lloyd Wright

About you

When I went back over these blogs, I realized that is seems like I am talking about someone in particular. Well I am. But the thing is that person has never read this blog I am 100% sure about that, and I am 99% sure that person never will read the blog. So if you are reading this and have read it, that means I am not talking about you except for right now, because I am talking about all of you right now. You all with the big egos thinking I have been talking about you before this.

Man what the F am I talking about?

Imagine if that person that I am talking about somehow does stumble onto my blog one day two years from now and is like oh this seems like it could be about me but because he says "if I am reading this then it's not me" when really it is about that person. Hmm so confusing. Anyway so it is clear, I would bet my can't hardly wait dvd that person won't read it ever, but I still won't say the name just in case and also I like to have a little bit of mystery. But to your readers, don't you worry the things I say are not about you. I know, sorry to disappoint. Unless you are that person and then they are about you- but I know your not so.

And if you are that person I'm talking about- Everyone this is private between me and that person who I think should know it is them. So you guys don't need to read the rest. If you read it then you must think I am talking about you but I am pretty sure I am not so don't read further.

So if you are reading this part you are that person then. So whats up. It has been a long while huh? Anyway I hate small talk but I will get that dvd to you as soon as I can. And also what the F are you doing reading this blog? How do you even know I have a blog? Also I hope you like Jennifer Love Hewitt in the movie as much as I do. Because she is hot in that movie. Also look for Jason Segal in it like in a bit part, what am I saying I haven't even given you the movie yet, so I will just write this stuff down for you when I give you the movie rather then doing it over a blog I didn't know you knew I had. What the F?

Beware- I am killing some people on this one you will see!

A few weeks ago I wrote in a blog called blowout about giving a dude money and helping him out among other things in the blog. So last week at bible study I had a question. So stay with me here because this may get a bit wordy but anyway. So I was saying: take person A. They see a man on the side of the road who is looking for money. So guy A who overflows with compassion and has no problem giving money gives him five dollars. Then guy B comes up and really struggles to give him money. He has to go to the lord and ask for help giving money and the lord helps him and he is able to also give 5 dollars. Well my question was if guy A should go to the lord and go to the point where he also has to struggle say at 50 dollars he starts to really struggle with giving. Now I know you would not want to give that much because that could really affect your life but my point is doesnt he want us to get to the point where we have to go to him in each thing we do. Now my pastor with the help of my mom each gave good answers. They both explained it like guy a is already good in the area of compassion and giving ahead of the guy who is struggling. Guy B is struggling just to get to where guy a already is. Now God probably does want you to come to him but he would want you to go to him in areas of compassion where you may really need him. Like for instance for me I really struggle going up and talking to people, giving money is easy I could do that way before I would talk to someone. So then stepping out of my box and leaning on the lord would be in the area of maybe working in a soup kitchen. So I can never feel superior in that regard, because there are still, even in the area of compassion things I have to really work on. Actually guy B is making more progress to me because he is trying to change. Guy A on the other hand, yes he is more compassionate but that is a blessing, not because he stepped out of his comfort zone and asked the lord for help. I know this is a long question and answer but I got mad at myself a few weeks ago because I felt I could have done more with the guy. Maybe I could have but I think I did my part.

Man the ego people have is amazing. To think you all know me at all is a joke. Yes I am misunderstood, but for some reason some people think they actually get me. Please tell me again how I should live my life.

You know I don't really get people and to be honest the more I try to relate the more I want to go into my shell, my head. With almost every person, every conversation or email or text that I knew was coming I have already had the conversation in my head. And hardly ever do the people meet my standards. If I ever say I am not writing this email for a reply that is a nice way of saying don't reply to me because I don't want to hear what you have to say. I am writing things to get it off my chest, not to hear your weak response. Its like I am never pleasently surprised and just blown away by how someone treats me or acts towards me, or responds towards me, so is it me? Not to say it doesn't happen because it does but those are the rare times that I really love. But not that I have been giving out any inspiring moments myself but I don't talk to anyone so, I have an excuse. Right? It is like I have to go through all the junk to get to one thing that inspires me. So I have to look for it in music or books or movies and spirituality because there are plenty of people in movies that have that certain something where you say man does that really happen. I won't ever tell someone how they should respond or what I expect from them but lets just say most of the time I walk away saying yep that is exactly what I was hoping would not happen but it always does. Always dissapoints. When is someone going to better the conversation that took place in my head? Please someone that is all I want, for me to read or talk to someone and be like man that was way better then I ever could have imagined. Not "man that was not that good." Yeah my expectations are high, maybe you all should raise yours though. You would think now that since it happens so often I would be more negative about it but no I always keep the hope that the conversation will be something amazing so I keep trying putting myself out there hoping to get it back but I am done with trying right now to others outside of a few people. Not talking- that is probably best. I really think it is me though. Because it happens all the time and I don't ever hear others complain about it. I do think that there are people out there who can actually inspire. People do have a positive effect on how I live, they do impact my life all the time, but to me saying something that really takes me by surprise and leaves me really loving - wanting more is rare. Me finding, through all there junk and whatever they are trying to get across, some sort of impact on how I should live my life that is way different then inspiration. Inspiration is someone I strive to be like. And you don't have that. I don't feel as though I really impact people's lives that much either but that is because I don't really get the chance to but that is not on me it's on them. I guess it's the passion. Maybe I think people lack the passion, yeah I think that is it. People laugh and cry and go through the emotions but where is the passion on everyday life. Why is it that something dramatic has to happen in our lives to really get a passionate response whether it be crying or whatever it may be. I think people also lack the depth. Man I am just killing people tonight. Good thing I am not saying any names haha. Sometimes I find myself writing or talking the way I hate when other people do it. I will be talking or writing someone and will leave or reread that and be like man that was awful and a waste of time. Probably what you all are saying about this blog right now. So my point is if we are talking I am sure I already had the conversation in my head and mine was better. I guess hearing your response is part of life, but how about you try and say something that I didn't see coming, blah blah blah, write something that I want to reread not just skim through because it was not interesting enough. We all get those letters that are really good that we have to reread. I have gotten a few in my day. I don't send out the good letters anymore because well it is not in me at this point in my life. I only write boring letters now and for a little over a month- welcome to your world right. Maybe that is the thing maybe all the good conversation, all the good letters are going elsewhere. You know when two people are on a date and it is just painful to watch. No chemistry. That is how I feel most of the time with people, painful. So next time I talk to any of you all please make it interesting. I am sure knowing how I am right now, I wont be interesting but just because I am not being interesting at the moment doesn't mean you can't just be. I can turn it on like that don't worry. Or maybe you think your interesting and I just didnt realize. If that is the case then I apologize, and better luck next time. And I know I am coming across with an ego but I actually have to sit there an listen to this stuff you guys put out and say. And actually act interested. That is pretty hard to do. Lord you are really testing me here making me sit here and listen or read this stuff that is in front of me and act interested. I think I would rather give money. What I really want to say, is be quiet, maybe I should tell you that so your ego is not so big. Thanks but no thanks, just warn me beforehand please so I know what is coming. Actually nevermind I already knew what was coming, I was just hoping for some reason that just this one time I would actually be captivated. Nope!

Doubt

Mark 11:24: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

As much as I believe that scripture from the bible, I still doubt. I think it is normal and something I have to work through, just another step I think, but that is where I am at right now. As I get closer to God on a daily basis now, realizing how to pray and just becoming better, I ask for so much but I still continue to have doubts about what is going to get done. I see now how lost I was for awhile, and still am in some ways. My priorities were everything else first then God. It was like "oh I will get around to prayer, he knows what I am thinking." Haha yeah he does, he also knows that I was too lazy to get around to it really, and that my spirituality was taking a back seat to life. I hope that doesn't happen again, I need it to be God- top priority, then everything else.

At a bible study recently, as I had been reading some different books and of course I question everything because I am curious and love to ask questions and my mind always wanders. My pastor knows this and knows where I am coming from and tells me it is good to look for these answer, but anyway I was like I know that reading the bible is important but if prayer is our daily way of speaking to and with God, why should we just not read the bible as a history lesson, what should we get out it really because the person next to me will have completely different problems then I do, so how can the bible answer them all individually. Now I know the bible is important but my point was should we focus more on prayer then the bible? What he said to me didn't really hit me right then but it has sunk in ever since. He said that when you pray, you ask for understanding and knowledge, and that your in thinking is in line with God. He will speak to you but also you have not only God but also the devil and your own thoughts going on in your head. Before you make a decision, after you have prayed about it, whatever thought you get, go to the bible and make sure the decision you have is in line with what the bible says.

Now I don't ever do that because I trust my own judgement but why should I trust my own self so much. Yeah I have made a lot of great choices in my life but I have made just as many bad ones also. Trusting in God and trying to only hear his voice is so difficult but I think the more you do it the easier it gets. The easier it gets to not hear what you want to hear and hear what God wants you to hear. In the past 5-6 months I have been hearing only what I want to hear, doing what I think is best and I am embarrassed of the way I acted. I regret some things but at the same time I have to learn from each of them.

The most recent for instance, I was talking online and texting with a girl just as friends but it got to the point where I was so over the top and just typical me -pushy, overbearing, obsessive (I sound like a stalker but I wasn't that bad, just bad enough for my mom to say chris I get you but to everyone else you come off as a pain and too pushy so stop- haha) not pushing her to like me just I dont know just being annoying, haha either way she actually had to say we could not be friends at that point. Her situation had changed, she started talking to another guy which is really cool and I wanted her to be happy and I think everyone needs someone in their life that makes them happy, that was never my issue I just didn't know how to be a friend and just enjoy the friendship she could offer me at that moment however little it was at that point it should have been fine but no. If I wasn't acting the way I was it would not have ever come to her having to say that and it should not have to come to that ever. I don't know if she handled it as best as she should but I pushed her in a corner where she didnt have much of a choice so I don't fault her for that at all. I really didn't expect anything from her but at the same time I enjoyed her so much and don't really know how to be friends, ask my so called friends, so I was doubting myself in the situation. If I would have just relaxed and let the situation unfold naturally instead of forcing what I wanted and needed because of insecurities then I would still have a person I respect in my life that I can talk to. But at the same time it has got me here thinking about it so at least that is good because I am turning a real negative into a positive. The bible speaks about how hard times are good for us because we go to him in those times. I see that now, so as much as I hate the hard times, I like where it has me going and realize I don't want to step backwards to where I was. But another thing, my sister just told me she talked to a girl I used to date awhile ago, they are now way better friends then me and her of course, well she emailed me a few months ago, we did the small talk thing and I thought it was over so I stopped it. Then my sister hung with her the other day and she said she was upset with me because I just stopped talking to her for no reason and was being mean. She even told her husband I was hating. Come On. Haha see told you not a good friend- but I didn't mean anything by it I just thought we were done talking. Now you see my two extremes- one person has to tell me to stop talking to her, the other gets mad that I don't talk. All or nothing once again.

I am very hard on myself, and am a control freak, so the hardest thing for me is to give up control. That is why that verse just kills me, because it is saying not only do you have to believe but you have to give yourself to him. He is not going to just give you something but allow you to still be in control. The believe that God can do anything is easy, the believe that I can let go, not doubt, and that everything will turn out better then I can imagine is a wall I can't seem to climb. But in my reflection I realize my biggest fault(o.k. fine one of my biggest) and it's on me to just trust in him.

On a site I read this: "Submitting to God is loving God, getting as close to him as you can, and drawing strength and comfort and direction from him. God’s directions are seldom that clear, although when the situation demands that degree of clarity, he will give it. Mostly, God leads by such things as vague feelings. That can be frustrating, but it’s our opportunity to let faith rise, trusting God to guide with whatever degree of clarity divine wisdom knows is best, while we play our part by drawing close and listening intently. God and I seem to have an on-going argument. ‘Speak louder!’ I keep telling God. And I think he keeps replying, ‘Listen harder!’ "
Haha that is me, but I see that everyone has to go through this step. I am no different.

I'm gonna leave you with this quote by Jane Adams that sums me up right now moving forward with things I want to do in my life:
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt."

Blowout

I am usually pretty private about what is on my mind except to a few people and even with those few people, mostly my family I still like to keep a part of me just in my head. Well I think writing some of my thoughts down will help me because, I don't know its like if I get it out there, maybe I won't feel like my thoughts are wasted. Who am I kidding though, I write as if someone is actually reading this, when I know its just me, but I at least can fake like I am talking to someone. I am not going to share much of me, mostly the surface things but at least putting something out there will be better then nothing right? Maybe. And occasionally I will say something to show I do actually have something going on inside of my head other then sports and music. Now I got you hooked in.

Today I was at borders, reading, when a man comes up and hands me this little card that says "I am a deaf person and am selling these deaf alphabet cards for my living until I can obtain suitable employment. Donate what you can. Thank You. God Bless You." So I reached in my pocket, which I want to give him money but I have no clue how much to give, so I reach in and grab a bunch of ones, I usually don't care how much I give within reason so I give him like 5 bucks but I am fumbling around with it and actually pushed back in a couple of other ones. I know he is like "why doesn't he give me those, what are a few ones to this guy, when I am out killing it trying to get a few bucks just to survive." And I agree with him, he probably signed that on the way out I assume. I should have given him more, I have been blessed to not worry about money really, yet I still cling to a few bucks. That makes me upset that I would do that. Yeah I gave him money but its not all I could do as far as something simple. People may say "oh your being hard on yourself" but don't we have to in order to push ourselves to change. Giving some money comes easy to me, easier then it does to some, but change in ourselves isn't going to come from just doing what it takes to feel good about ourselves. I also hate that my ego is in the way of all of this. That I do feel good after I give, but I don't think I can change without it. I think that comes with giving, but I wish I were truly blessed with just giving so freely and really not caring what I got in return. I didn't get anything tangible in return but I did get a boost of pride and a feeling of "yeah I help out how sweet am I, better then those who didn't."

The last few weeks have been up and down for me, but I think I have grown a lot. I have learned how self indulgent I really am. I hate that trait in other people and when I see it done to the people close to me I am like why can't they put you first and do the things you need and want? Why does it have to be all about them? Haha but I don't practice what I preach and look at me now. Actually don't look at me cause I hate eye contact. I feel misunderstood and have for the most part always felt that way. I constantly try to explain myself and what is going through my head and it only ends up getting me into more trouble. I guess most people may be misunderstood but I don't hang around long enough to listen or I never get the chance I guess to find out. Its always "Chris, your to much. I'm out" Haha it's funny it's such a pattern, there must be something I'm not getting. Haha. But they never understand that I don't care so much if I am liked or disliked, that is why I feel at peace after everything is over. I am so black and white I think I would rather be told "I don't ever want to talk to you again" then to not know what to think because then I can just move along with out actually wondering anymore. I hate the guys that your like that guy is so desperate for a girl look at him, but I think because of my intensity maybe I come off that way when really I am the opposite. I am intense for understanding not intense for companionship or a relationship. Not knowing drives me to ultimately find out good or bad where I am at in all of this and I continue to push it to that point. I know where it will lead but it doesn't really matter and the fact that I am fine with knowing, even when it is usually negative, that is where the real disconnect is. It is funny I try to always ask God for guidance, he tells me loud and clear what I need to do, (sometimes he is loud other times, I am like you need to be louder cause my ego is making a lot of noise) He says here is the opportunity, now do what you want with it and I choose to do what "I" want, no thanks God I appreciate your advice, I know I asked for it and all but once again I don't really think I need it. That has to happen a couple of times a month to me, probably a couple times a day actually, which I am sure it does to everyone but one of these days I may actually listen to him. Will see. I never can really blame others as much as I would like to. I have realized though because of my intensity no matter how much I think I am backing off, its not enough, intensity is not something you can just lower a little bit and then say look I came this far now what are you going to do for me. No its something that has to be taken down until the other person is truly comfortable with it. Again with the self indulgence, I give a little now what are you gonna give me.

It's hard to measure how far we really need to go and what are the things that need to be worked on but if you have honest people in your life and continue to pray for change and actually make some steps it will happen. I think people always take the easy way, me included. I think they are comfortable with saying they need to change, not actually looking back and seeing the things that have haunted them for years are still there, still loud as ever knocking at the door waiting to get over yourself and finally change. Maybe that's just me. Having the people in their lives that they are hoping can somehow help them make the changes they need to make. They take the easy way with the person they are with, well because its easy but can you blame them. They are comfortable with someone who is easy, someone who "they" think they should be with, that pushes them a tiny bit but doesn't expect to much because then that would be asking to much from them. But how often do you see a couple that really grows together, haha not often. And anything less then that I can't or wont be a part of, so if it means being alone and hoping I can find the strength to change on my own, then that is what has to be, because I don't want to be part of a couple that doesn't inspire greatness in each other, even if we never come close to it. I will leave that up to all the rest of you, because you all seem to be doing a good enough job at complacency.