Where I am at?

So I don't know if this will be my last post or not and I have probably already lost all my readers. Maybe all five of them but thanks for reading I guess. When I first started I was going through some things and needed to write, and then I got past that and just wanted to start writing to see if I could write something interesting. The few people who I know did read it all told me they would laugh out loud at it so that always feels good. I knew that if I would laugh out loud as I was writing then that would be good enough to post. I realized that it is hard to come up with things to write, but I also realized that when I just sit back and flow it seems to come out and I am half the time like wtf how did I get onto that. I know my sense of humor is not for everyone and I also know that it is out there but I want everyone to be able to separate my stories from myself. I figure all the people who know me know I am nothing like my character I write about but at the same time, if someone were to happen onto my blog, I hope they know it's just that. A story that is really odd and just funny and not to be anything more. I think people get that so I am fine with it. I was inspired early this year by things and needed to take a deep look at where I was in life. I just didn't like the person I was being. I was insecure, a pain, critical, controlling, very very black and white, and really only wanted what I wanted. I am still those things and I think I will always struggle with those traits but I just have to learn how to tame them and use them as good. Those are me so I don't want them to just vanish but at the same time alot of that has lead me to where I was not happy with who I was because I always thought well this is me, why should I change. Well I should change 1 because I don't like that person, and 2 because what has being you gotten you, not where you want to be. A huge ego and pride along with insecurity is what I was. A contradiction I know but that was me and still am, just now more aware. I realized that I can't control no matter how much I want to, what people are going to do with their life. Everyone sees the world differently and has to find their own path. That is what makes the world go round but it is hard to just sit back and allow it to happen around you. I know where I stand and if people don't want to talk to me for whatever reason or me in their life then that is on them and I just have to move on from it. I hope they feel they made the correct choice and I will never hold it against them because they felt it was right at that time in their life. I think when that happens we will always be disappointed but we have to realize that they think what they are doing is right for them at that moment and pray that everything works out for them. I had to be more genuine, I wrote someone once to get something from her, not even noticing that I was just using her. I felt bad later because it was mean to do that even if I didn't mean it. I apologized but she never said anything but I hope she knows it was not my intent. I do though see how weak I am in my faith, I just don't discuss it much, but I admire the people who just let it out there. I always tell people who do, and I hope one day I am strong enough to in person, or just get the platform where I feel comfortable and have a voice.

I've been listening to a ton of podcast on theology and religion as I work and it has really opened up my mind. The one I was listening to the other day was talking about fundamentalism and talking about being in this culture but not of this culture, a spin on what Jesus said in John
"15 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17 And the world passeth away, and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever."

I am trying to find that balance in my life, where I enjoy this culture and take what it has to offer but I don't allow it to dictate my life or take me where I don't want to be. I have always been really good about not doing things just because others do it but still I find myself boxed in to things that I want to do and don't because of what others may think. It is never sin that I am talking about but things I believe I was put here to do but am not strong enough to do on my own and not strong enough in my faith to lean on God to push me through.

I don't know how all this came up just now but anyway I am writing this to say I am working on things with my friends that will come out soon. I hope you all will spread the word when we finally get out there. It will be definitely my sense of humor with sports and other things mixed in but it will not be personal at all. I don't know what I will do with this because in a few months I won't be as busy work wise but hopefully have a very strict schedule with things I want to get into. Anyway I will let you all know what is up, and I guess for now that is it. Check out the theology podcast on itunes or just type them in on yahoo search. I found one I really like called theology unplugged but it is pretty heady if you like that sort of thing. Alright until next time I guess.