Look Real Close
You get the point?
Stronger
"I don't know if you got a man or not, if you made plans or not,
god put me in your plans or not? I'm trippin' this drink got me sayin' a lot.
but I know that god put you in front of me so how the hell could you front on me
there's a thousand you's there's only one of me"
I
didn't
think
so!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Don't make me look
You know what I hate. Well among many things, the look of a pregnant woman. I really hate when they flaunt it also, wearing tight shirts like it looks good. It doesn't. I see it I gag. Yeah it's natural and having a kid is a beautiful thing but the pregnant look is not. And if my future wife ever reads this then I want to say "ohhh no you look great with your huge stomach (wink wink). It's everyone else that looks gross pregnant but not you, your the only one who looks good like this(wink). That is why I married you. And your personality right? (On a side note I am so tired of winking at girls, it never works at all I just come across as a perv. It always works in the movies but I love the idea of a wink, I actually put that into my schedule- play guitar, work out, read bible, wink practice, watch the game, write something dumb on here, look at pregnant girls on the internet, throw up, eat, pray, go to bed. Dream about something pervy.What a life.) Where was I- oh telling my wife how hot she was while she is pregnant. "Look I know I haven't hit it in the past two months that you have started getting that really hot stomach going but you just keep catching me at a bad time. Maybe later I can rub some cocoa butter on your stomach so you don't get stretch marks, and while I am at it I can rub your feet. Excuse me my stomach just suddenly got upset. I don't want to bother you again tonight or the baby, I think I'm just gonna sleep on the couch again. He kicks to hard, he wakes me up. Love you though"
I am gonna be such a good husband.
Man my future wife is gonna love me. I am a freaking sweet catch basically.
I am gonna be such a good husband.
Man my future wife is gonna love me. I am a freaking sweet catch basically.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Out of my league
In honor of the movie she's out of my league. A girl who is way out of my league. Why the F don't any girls look like that around here. If you are thinking well maybe I am close to her- let me tell you now- your not. And seriously stop thinking about me, it probably doesn't help that your reading this, always wondering what I'm blogging about. This girl is what I think about. And the lack of girls like this around here. Thanks for visiting though.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
First Date Do's and Don'ts
This is how I am gonna rock this glamour article. First I am going to break it down for 25 seconds to a chris brown song just to get me pumped up.
Alright I just killed it.
Where was I?
Right first date dos and don'ts:
I will just say right or wrong and maybe give some of my opinion. What the F do I really know though about first dates? If you said nothing your right, if you said "chris you know alot" then you are wrong and stop trying to be funny. If you said Chris I am sure you could easily be like a romeo on the first date with all of the plans I have heard you say about what you would do then you are wrong there also because that was all talk. This article is towards girls which is why I had to jump all on it.
1. Don't get ahead of yourself- wrong- make sure you get way ahead of yourself, hold your standards high and if they don't meet them within the first 5 mins just go ahead and leave because why wait when you could be home watching something on lifetime or the bachelor that you have taped like a loser. And if it is a great first date, make sure you call your friends and freak out and then check his facebook page and text him like crazy.
2. Do be open to unexpected date ideas- wrong- what the f is this your taking me to, a picnic, this is so unexpected and I hate it, what did you pack, pb and J's once again unexpected and they are not even smooshed like the pj&js when we went on field trips -I'm gone.
3. Don't go somewhere with overflowing eye candy- right, because I won't hesitate to look. Most guys will try to be all sly but keep an eye on him because he will be looking. He notices the hot girl across the room. Just go ahead and let him get it out of his system then. I like to tell girls right up front first conversation- look I will most likely be staring at all the butts in here good or bad so if you see a guys junk you want to look at go ahead and stare. It really clears the air right up front. It has worked wonders with me.
4. Do wear flats- wrong, barefoot please, I love feet, especially that hot 6th toe girls get when they wear heels, and also when they are painted blue. No I do like the blue really.
5. Do wear sexy underwear- wrong no undies please, just a rule I have, but I tell her before hand make sure you wear no panties, I will be checking. Thanks bye. I hang up before they can say differently- it gives me an out when I don't like them. I am like things were going great until I saw an underwear line, but I'm outta here. But there is another guy across the way that I am sure, because he looks like a real douche bag, that you would be interested in. Here he comes, gotta go.
6.Do bring dental supplies with you- WTF?
7. Do call a friend for a pep talk- wrong- no advice, she is going to tell you things you don't need to hear, like make sure your wearing underwear, make sure you keep your legs shut, make sure you pack the pb&js and don't smoosh them- guys hate that.
8. Don't wear anything too sexy over the underwear- wrong, big time wrong the sluttier I mean sexier the better, plus you have no underwear on as far as I am concerned.
9. Do facebook him- yeah make sure you facebook him, I meet all my girls on there, there is even this one girl from Alabama she is basically head over heels for me(first time I used that quote ever in my life did I use it right) she writes me once every four months after I write creepy messages to her acting like I know her - I think she is coming around though, also I constantly tell her I love her teeth and that she looks 30 so basically I am telling her everything she wants to hear.
10. Don't let him know you've been google stalking him all week- what
11. Don't drink and date- wrong- drink up please, nothing like a drunk girl with no underwear on right?
12. Do have a positive attitude- wrong- just wrong I don't need that, I need something challenging as if dating isn't hard enough, actually getting a date isn't hard enough, I want to work at it even when I get there. I want you to really fight holding back that laugh if I say something funny. Just stay bitter the whole time. Make me work for it.
13. Do order a big girl meal- wrong- I don't need you eating like a big girl in front of me, get a doggie bag and then kill it when you get home please. Let me thank you dont really eat and that you are going to be skinny forever.
14. Do act interested in what he is saying- well if it is the douchebag Im sure your with how could you not be, if it is me, try to at least act like your paying attention, because I struggle with conversation unlike that guy.
15. Don't turn your dates into therapy sessions- haha
16. Don't psychoanalyze the date- oh I totally do it, I actually carry a pic of a douche bag that I may see out, I take a pic of him- a guy that should never really get hot girls but does, yeah I have a pic of him and the whole time I am like what would this guy do. And then when I say something like, oh yeah your feet are gross I look at the picture "What, oh man douche would never say that, I ruined the date." Then I sprint away -leaving the douche bag at the bar to come clean up my mess. I hate that guy and the fact that he gets the girl for real. I don't even care that hot girls are ever dating but just thinking of the guys these girls get with man that kills me. Whhhyyyy? Don't you see what you all are doing, he is not cool I promise you, you will see that in 15 years when it is too late. That is why that guy never ends up with the girl in the movies because well he is a loser, you just haven't gotten to that part of your movie/life yet to actually see it.
17. Don't get to personal- yeah please don't tell me you have to go take a dump
18. Don't talk about your ex- why who cares this isn't going anywhere.
19. Do discuss issues that are important to you- wrong- I don't really care
20. Don't talk about sex- WTF? Look when I ask you if you want to get up on my junk or not it is not an ice breaker even though that does work but I am seriously asking because generally I have it already out of my pants with the condom on under the table so if you say no and laugh dont mind the zipper sound.
21. Don't let him take you to a second location if you don't like him- wrong - let me get a second shot with you on the second part of the date, I only get better as the night goes along and you get drunker. By the end of the night I am amazing and by morning Im gone, and not because I don't like to cuddle but no I am playing hard to get and don't mind the dirty sock on the floor- think of me as a gentleman not taking advantage of a drunk you, well only taking advantage of your hand and your sock. WTF ewww.
22. Don't try to add him as a facebook friend after the first date- haha go for it, you should make sure you take off single soon enough too, just to let all the guys know what is up. That you are off the market, back off haha. First don't write anything at all, keep us guessing, when are on the edge of our seats, or we don't care at all. Either one. Then hit us with it. When you do write it here is an idea:
In a relationship with douche bag.
23. Do break the dating rules- ok
24. One of them was don't talk about your ex a second time- whatever
Glamour again missed almost all of them- big surprise!
Alright I just killed it.
Where was I?
Right first date dos and don'ts:
I will just say right or wrong and maybe give some of my opinion. What the F do I really know though about first dates? If you said nothing your right, if you said "chris you know alot" then you are wrong and stop trying to be funny. If you said Chris I am sure you could easily be like a romeo on the first date with all of the plans I have heard you say about what you would do then you are wrong there also because that was all talk. This article is towards girls which is why I had to jump all on it.
1. Don't get ahead of yourself- wrong- make sure you get way ahead of yourself, hold your standards high and if they don't meet them within the first 5 mins just go ahead and leave because why wait when you could be home watching something on lifetime or the bachelor that you have taped like a loser. And if it is a great first date, make sure you call your friends and freak out and then check his facebook page and text him like crazy.
2. Do be open to unexpected date ideas- wrong- what the f is this your taking me to, a picnic, this is so unexpected and I hate it, what did you pack, pb and J's once again unexpected and they are not even smooshed like the pj&js when we went on field trips -I'm gone.
3. Don't go somewhere with overflowing eye candy- right, because I won't hesitate to look. Most guys will try to be all sly but keep an eye on him because he will be looking. He notices the hot girl across the room. Just go ahead and let him get it out of his system then. I like to tell girls right up front first conversation- look I will most likely be staring at all the butts in here good or bad so if you see a guys junk you want to look at go ahead and stare. It really clears the air right up front. It has worked wonders with me.
4. Do wear flats- wrong, barefoot please, I love feet, especially that hot 6th toe girls get when they wear heels, and also when they are painted blue. No I do like the blue really.
5. Do wear sexy underwear- wrong no undies please, just a rule I have, but I tell her before hand make sure you wear no panties, I will be checking. Thanks bye. I hang up before they can say differently- it gives me an out when I don't like them. I am like things were going great until I saw an underwear line, but I'm outta here. But there is another guy across the way that I am sure, because he looks like a real douche bag, that you would be interested in. Here he comes, gotta go.
6.Do bring dental supplies with you- WTF?
7. Do call a friend for a pep talk- wrong- no advice, she is going to tell you things you don't need to hear, like make sure your wearing underwear, make sure you keep your legs shut, make sure you pack the pb&js and don't smoosh them- guys hate that.
8. Don't wear anything too sexy over the underwear- wrong, big time wrong the sluttier I mean sexier the better, plus you have no underwear on as far as I am concerned.
9. Do facebook him- yeah make sure you facebook him, I meet all my girls on there, there is even this one girl from Alabama she is basically head over heels for me(first time I used that quote ever in my life did I use it right) she writes me once every four months after I write creepy messages to her acting like I know her - I think she is coming around though, also I constantly tell her I love her teeth and that she looks 30 so basically I am telling her everything she wants to hear.
10. Don't let him know you've been google stalking him all week- what
11. Don't drink and date- wrong- drink up please, nothing like a drunk girl with no underwear on right?
12. Do have a positive attitude- wrong- just wrong I don't need that, I need something challenging as if dating isn't hard enough, actually getting a date isn't hard enough, I want to work at it even when I get there. I want you to really fight holding back that laugh if I say something funny. Just stay bitter the whole time. Make me work for it.
13. Do order a big girl meal- wrong- I don't need you eating like a big girl in front of me, get a doggie bag and then kill it when you get home please. Let me thank you dont really eat and that you are going to be skinny forever.
14. Do act interested in what he is saying- well if it is the douchebag Im sure your with how could you not be, if it is me, try to at least act like your paying attention, because I struggle with conversation unlike that guy.
15. Don't turn your dates into therapy sessions- haha
16. Don't psychoanalyze the date- oh I totally do it, I actually carry a pic of a douche bag that I may see out, I take a pic of him- a guy that should never really get hot girls but does, yeah I have a pic of him and the whole time I am like what would this guy do. And then when I say something like, oh yeah your feet are gross I look at the picture "What, oh man douche would never say that, I ruined the date." Then I sprint away -leaving the douche bag at the bar to come clean up my mess. I hate that guy and the fact that he gets the girl for real. I don't even care that hot girls are ever dating but just thinking of the guys these girls get with man that kills me. Whhhyyyy? Don't you see what you all are doing, he is not cool I promise you, you will see that in 15 years when it is too late. That is why that guy never ends up with the girl in the movies because well he is a loser, you just haven't gotten to that part of your movie/life yet to actually see it.
17. Don't get to personal- yeah please don't tell me you have to go take a dump
18. Don't talk about your ex- why who cares this isn't going anywhere.
19. Do discuss issues that are important to you- wrong- I don't really care
20. Don't talk about sex- WTF? Look when I ask you if you want to get up on my junk or not it is not an ice breaker even though that does work but I am seriously asking because generally I have it already out of my pants with the condom on under the table so if you say no and laugh dont mind the zipper sound.
21. Don't let him take you to a second location if you don't like him- wrong - let me get a second shot with you on the second part of the date, I only get better as the night goes along and you get drunker. By the end of the night I am amazing and by morning Im gone, and not because I don't like to cuddle but no I am playing hard to get and don't mind the dirty sock on the floor- think of me as a gentleman not taking advantage of a drunk you, well only taking advantage of your hand and your sock. WTF ewww.
22. Don't try to add him as a facebook friend after the first date- haha go for it, you should make sure you take off single soon enough too, just to let all the guys know what is up. That you are off the market, back off haha. First don't write anything at all, keep us guessing, when are on the edge of our seats, or we don't care at all. Either one. Then hit us with it. When you do write it here is an idea:
In a relationship with douche bag.
23. Do break the dating rules- ok
24. One of them was don't talk about your ex a second time- whatever
Glamour again missed almost all of them- big surprise!
Stop it
Does your dude know that you think about me almost as much as you think about him. Haha now your gonna say "what no I don't." If you even have to clarify that in your head-about any guy, not just me then your in trouble. It's cool though because he is with you and I just get to pop in your thoughts at different parts of the day without getting the real part. When something just reminds you of me-how convenient. I know you would say he has nothing to worry about, and you can try to convince yourself and maybe if you say it enough you two will be fine, but I know if I am ever with someone which how rare is that, but thinking about someone else, in the end it doesn't last. Obviously. But just keep saying "We will be fine, this other guy who I think about throughout the day means nothing" I am sure you two will be the couple that beats the odds. Right? Stop thinking about me so much- haha like you can help it!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
My squad
I know you all are up waiting for your baseball roster to be put up. On the edge of your seat I am sure. So after all of my research here is my squad. By the way I got the first pick, and I so wanted to take Hanley Ramirez because he is my boy but I just couldn't I had to take Pujols. I wanna repeat you know. But freaking sweet I did end up with Justin Upton and Peavy like I wanted.
C-Mike Napoli
1B- Albert Pujols
2B- Howie Kendrick
3B- Mark Reynolds
SS- Alexei Ramirez
IF-Joey Votto
OF-Justin Upton- thank you for falling into my lap (best) Upton
OF-Nelson Cruz
OF-Andrew McCutchen
Util-Juan Pierre
BN- Chase Headley
BN- Scott Sizemore
BN- Alcides Escobar
BN- Chris Ianetta- got to have a Chris on your squad
SP-Felix Hernandez- second year in a row, thank you King Felix
SP- Adam Wainwright
RP- Jonathon Broxton
RP- Chad Qualls
P- Jake Peavy- ohhh sweet
P-Jonathan Sanchez
P- Jorge De La Rosa
All in all pretty good. I mean all the teams seem good at this point and everyone thinks they can win so we will have to see. But if you don't know these players, you better get on it. Study up, because the season is only a month away. Like you care.
C-Mike Napoli
1B- Albert Pujols
2B- Howie Kendrick
3B- Mark Reynolds
SS- Alexei Ramirez
IF-Joey Votto
OF-Justin Upton- thank you for falling into my lap (best) Upton
OF-Nelson Cruz
OF-Andrew McCutchen
Util-Juan Pierre
BN- Chase Headley
BN- Scott Sizemore
BN- Alcides Escobar
BN- Chris Ianetta- got to have a Chris on your squad
SP-Felix Hernandez- second year in a row, thank you King Felix
SP- Adam Wainwright
RP- Jonathon Broxton
RP- Chad Qualls
P- Jake Peavy- ohhh sweet
P-Jonathan Sanchez
P- Jorge De La Rosa
All in all pretty good. I mean all the teams seem good at this point and everyone thinks they can win so we will have to see. But if you don't know these players, you better get on it. Study up, because the season is only a month away. Like you care.
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