So the Doctor is back. I am taking this Dr. Love thing really far, like I was just sitting here thinking how can I work like a nurse and sitting down on the bed with the horrible paper they always have on there but I just could not come up with anything so just picture it. I am not like a therapy doctor where the person comes in and just lays on the couch, no for the girl think of me as your gynecologist. And for the dudes think of me as the small asian guy who told you to turn your head and cough. You know the one that seemed to be really enjoying grabbing your nuts even though he probably already grabbed like 20 nuts already that day. Something about your nuts really got him going-at least that is what I always felt. I never told anyone this but the first time I went he was like alright turn your head and cough, alright now put your nuts right on my forehead, and I was like wtf dude. And he was like dude(trying to sound cool, and this guy also had no shirt on under his jacket which should have been a red flag but I was young) this is purely a health thing, I do this with all the guys, and I was like what does nuts on the forehead prove and he was like well what I do is I balance them on there with your help and if we can balance them for 15 seconds no hands then you pass the nut balance test which proves that each nut is equal weight. It sounded smart so look no questions asked I just did it and I passed. I think each nut weighs the same which is good right? That is what I expect from you all, no questions just do as I say because I am the Dr. So ladies I want you as your reading this if you have like a pair of those sweet stirrups your gynecologist uses at your house, you can put your legs in just to get us in the mood and guys keep your pants on cause this is getting too gay already. So ladies where was I, oh I have to remain professional.
So 8 types of men the ladies should be boycotting right now:
1. Mr to busy to call. WTF? I just got done telling a girl how busy I was and now they are calling me out on it. No way. This writer says she has dated tons of busy men and they all had time to call, well guess what slut they were looking for booty and that is it. Real busy men like myself who is a doctor don't have time to chit chat. So how was your day today- you know what I don't give an F? That is what I used to say, and then the girl would get all mad and I was like look you have 3 mins to tell me whatever you want after that I am hanging up. Guys if you are busy make sure you give them the 3 mins and also be polite and give them like a 10 second countdown. 10-9-8, that way they really get out what they want to say at the end. I never say bye or love you either just a quick got to go to show them how busy I am. Always breath into the phone like real loud like you could be doing other things-this will show her you are really busy. If in person make sure you always look at your watch.
2. Mr. Glass Half empty- I agree with the women here this guy is a douchebag.
3. Mr. Selfish in bed- I tell the girl alright first one to get theirs wins, I love to compete and I always win. Sorry ladies that my junks doesn't turn you on enough but you see how busy I am, I mean you would think you would understand because I am typing spreadsheets and eating oatmeal and checking fantasy teams all while banging you out, you think I am going to sit there and worry about you. I would rather you take care of things also while we are going at it because your always about eye contact and you know how much I hate that. Plus I like to use your back as a table to set up my drink and computer so look if you want to watch oprah as were getting it that is cool. See how unselfish I am. I hope it is the episode she gives away stuff.
4. Mr. Bossy McBoss Pants- I wish them women would shut up. That is what I would tell her if I were dating her. Remember I always wear a wife beater just in case. And its tucked in to let her know how serious I am. Listen fellas this independent women needs one thing- a real good wife beating. Let her call me bossy mcboss pants and I will show her who is mcboss. Give her a good slap in the face when she says something. Always make it backhand. Make sure you hold the follow thru also as if to say don't mess with me or you will get another. Then all you ever have to do is raise the backhand like you might smack her with it and she will think twice. I like to say "I aughta" as I bring the hand up. Try it out see what works for you, make it your own but never let her be in control. Or say ohhhh wait till we get home I'm gonna wear that butt out, people will think you mean do her hard but really you mean smacking her in the face.
5. Too cool for boxed wine-Is boxed wine uncool. I don't drink but whatever. Here is what the author says “If a guy spends more time thinking about his clothes, his car and his aged corks than thinking how fun it would be to dance with you in the middle of the street in your pajamas at midnight, it’s probably time to expel him from your life.” Yeah big whoop I think about my cork all the time, I mean what guy doesnt, but to be penalized for that is stupid. Just because I play with my cork on occasion doesnt mean I am too cool for you, but why the f do I want to wear heart pjs and dance in the middle of the street, I would look like an idiot, in my pjs. Wait is that the point- oh your right then, I am too cool for that, I would rather play with my cork at midnight then dance with you, plus I would out dance you anyway. So go ahead and expel me if you have to but not until I serve you up at 12. Then I would say boom you just lost your glass slipper, and then I would be like who the f are those two mice talking and your like oh one of them is Jaq and the other is gus gus. And then your like gus gus sing for him. Cinderelly Cinderelly-WTF? Right?
6. Mr. Keeps you secret- how about Mr. doesn’t think your hot enough to bring you around. Ohhhhhh I just said that. Yep that is why your not brought around, because he is embarrassed. So realize you have to sweep him off his F’ing feet so he forgets how butt you are or you never got a shot at becoming anything other then just a girl he sees on the side.
7. Mr. Peter Pan- I love peter pan except one time at Disney world we were watching the parade and all the characters were coming by and pan comes by and that dude was horrible, not what I pictured pan like at all, so I threw the food like in hook where robin Williams couldn't see it but all the lost boys could, well I could see it, it was an invisible hot dog to most people but to a few of us who could see it, it was real, well I threw it at him and he ducked and then winked at me and I was like maybe that is him. But he looked awfully gay which I don’t know what I thought he would look like but not that. So I just yelled feminine pan at him. That got him I’m sure. So this lady is right- guys that don’t grow up are annoying mostly because they are not funny, if they are funny but immature I have no problem with it.
8. Mr. Just about to break up with someone else- well your probably the ugly girl who is a freak in the bed trying to do anything you can to keep him, so he says look I am going to break it off with this girl when really he is not going to at all. Yeah you should get away from this dude but you can’t your hooked in and he is smart because he says just enough to hold you on. I like this guy- he is in control. More props to you for keeping two girls at once and having one at your fingertips, if she wants to hang around let her. Just keep getting missionary with one and freaky with the other. Just remember erase the text and wipe the smell of booty off your face.
9. Me
Thursday, May 20, 2010
NOOOOOOOOO
Remember when the Patriots went undefeated during the regular season- smoking everyone, but then losing a heart breaker in the Superbowl with a huge upset victory by the Giants. Well ladies and gentleman that is what happened last night. The dynasty finally came to an end.
The Family lost in dodge ball!!!
We had won 5 straight championships and were undefeated going into the championship game last night. It was best out of five against the purple cobras who we beat everytime in the regular season of course. We killed them the first two games of last night and thought alright all we have to do is win 1 of the next 3. Well we couldn't, we played the prevent d on them figuring we would sneak one out rather then going at them like we normally do. Every game was close losing by one person each time, but we could not make a play here or there to pull just one game out. Bitter.
We are still the team to beat though, and my arm is killing me and has been for awhile. Next season we will get it back, but it was bound to happen and I actually like that team so it's good for them. I guess we have a new rival. The new season starts up soon so.
But on another note softball starts on friday for us, we aren't as dominate at that but we are really good and our guys are loaded this year, but like normal we don't play well in the playoffs so we shall see.
Last night was great for the field house because the best dynasty they ever had finally fell. The crowd was loving it though. I guess we can start a new one up.
The Family lost in dodge ball!!!
We had won 5 straight championships and were undefeated going into the championship game last night. It was best out of five against the purple cobras who we beat everytime in the regular season of course. We killed them the first two games of last night and thought alright all we have to do is win 1 of the next 3. Well we couldn't, we played the prevent d on them figuring we would sneak one out rather then going at them like we normally do. Every game was close losing by one person each time, but we could not make a play here or there to pull just one game out. Bitter.
We are still the team to beat though, and my arm is killing me and has been for awhile. Next season we will get it back, but it was bound to happen and I actually like that team so it's good for them. I guess we have a new rival. The new season starts up soon so.
But on another note softball starts on friday for us, we aren't as dominate at that but we are really good and our guys are loaded this year, but like normal we don't play well in the playoffs so we shall see.
Last night was great for the field house because the best dynasty they ever had finally fell. The crowd was loving it though. I guess we can start a new one up.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Dream Dream Dream
I am feeling the Everly brothers song All I have to do. Check it out, it is old but that is what I like to drop on you all. You don't know about that old school junk. Well you don't know much about the newer stuff as far as I am concerned but we will start near the beginning and work our way up. A kind of music education.
So as I teased earlier, here is the rundown of the signs and their rankings with the other signs. The way it is written it just writes the two together one time so the last sign written is only going to have one sign written next to it. To find what the other ones are for that sign which I think is Pisces you have to check each sign. Get it? Of course not but you will see:
Aries
Aries+Aries=7.8
+Taurus=6.7
+Gemini=8.2
+Cancer=5.9
+Leo=8.1
+Virgo=5.2
+Libra=7.8
+Scorpio=7.8
+Sagittarius=6.3
+Capricorn=5.5
+Aquarius=5.7
+Pisces=2.8
Taurus
Taurus + Taurus=4.9
+Gemini=4.0
+Cancer=9.2
+Leo=7.9
+Virgo=9.0
+Libra=5.8
+Scorpio=8.8
+Sagittarius=4.4
+Capricorn=8.9
+Aquarius=3.9
+Pisces=8.5
Gemini
Gemini + Gemini=6.3
+Cancer=5.2
+Leo=7.9
+Virgo=4.5
+Libra=8.9
+Scorpio=9.0
+Sagittarius=5.5
+Capricorn=4.2
+Aquarius=7.8
+Pisces=3.5
Cancer
Cancer + Cancer=8.6
+Leo=7.3
+Virgo=7.8
+Libra=4.8
+Scorpio=9.4
+Sagittarius=5.5
+Capricorn=8.1
+Aquarius=3.7
+Pisces=8.1
Leo
Leo + Leo=8.8
+Virgo=7.8
+Libra=8.7
+Scorpio=7.2
+Sagittarius=8.2
+Capricorn=6.3
+Aquarius=4.2
+Pisces=8.1
Virgo
Virgo + Virgo=5.0
+Libra=3.9
+Scorpio=8.7
+Sagittarius=2.5
+Capricorn=9.2
+Aquarius=4.3
+Pisces=3.6
Libra
Libra + Libra=2.4
+Scorpio=3.7
+Sagittarius=7.8
+Capricorn=4.5
+Aquarius=8.3
+Pisces=6.1
Scorpio
Scorpio + Scorpio=5.8
+Sagittarius=4.5
+Capricorn=8.4
+Aquarius=3.5
+Pisces=9.1
Sagittarius + Sagittarius=4.6
+Capricorn=5.1
+Aquarius=9.4
+Pisces=4.8
Capricorn
Capricorn + Capricorn=6.9
+Aquarius=5.6
+Pisces=8.2
Aquarius
Aquarius + Aquarius=5.2
+Pisces=4.6
Pisces
Pisces + Pisces=3.2
Scoprio has a ton of high ones which is not a surprise at all because I am so sweet- no wonder I have so many girls always just trying to get them off of me. But it looks like even though I am compatitible with alot of other signs, the cancer is the highest for me so I shall wait. I hope you use this as the only guide to how you choose your mate, don't trust your gut because it will be wrong. Trust what this says and nothing else. Look back at how many times you trusted what you thought was right- now go back and think if you were right- I already know the answer- you were wrong. See WTF do you know. So listen to this guide and only get with who you are told to be with. And if your with someone that is low compatibility then dump then or divorce them or whatever right now because it is bound to happen.
So as I teased earlier, here is the rundown of the signs and their rankings with the other signs. The way it is written it just writes the two together one time so the last sign written is only going to have one sign written next to it. To find what the other ones are for that sign which I think is Pisces you have to check each sign. Get it? Of course not but you will see:
Aries
Aries+Aries=7.8
+Taurus=6.7
+Gemini=8.2
+Cancer=5.9
+Leo=8.1
+Virgo=5.2
+Libra=7.8
+Scorpio=7.8
+Sagittarius=6.3
+Capricorn=5.5
+Aquarius=5.7
+Pisces=2.8
Taurus
Taurus + Taurus=4.9
+Gemini=4.0
+Cancer=9.2
+Leo=7.9
+Virgo=9.0
+Libra=5.8
+Scorpio=8.8
+Sagittarius=4.4
+Capricorn=8.9
+Aquarius=3.9
+Pisces=8.5
Gemini
Gemini + Gemini=6.3
+Cancer=5.2
+Leo=7.9
+Virgo=4.5
+Libra=8.9
+Scorpio=9.0
+Sagittarius=5.5
+Capricorn=4.2
+Aquarius=7.8
+Pisces=3.5
Cancer
Cancer + Cancer=8.6
+Leo=7.3
+Virgo=7.8
+Libra=4.8
+Scorpio=9.4
+Sagittarius=5.5
+Capricorn=8.1
+Aquarius=3.7
+Pisces=8.1
Leo
Leo + Leo=8.8
+Virgo=7.8
+Libra=8.7
+Scorpio=7.2
+Sagittarius=8.2
+Capricorn=6.3
+Aquarius=4.2
+Pisces=8.1
Virgo
Virgo + Virgo=5.0
+Libra=3.9
+Scorpio=8.7
+Sagittarius=2.5
+Capricorn=9.2
+Aquarius=4.3
+Pisces=3.6
Libra
Libra + Libra=2.4
+Scorpio=3.7
+Sagittarius=7.8
+Capricorn=4.5
+Aquarius=8.3
+Pisces=6.1
Scorpio
Scorpio + Scorpio=5.8
+Sagittarius=4.5
+Capricorn=8.4
+Aquarius=3.5
+Pisces=9.1
Sagittarius + Sagittarius=4.6
+Capricorn=5.1
+Aquarius=9.4
+Pisces=4.8
Capricorn
Capricorn + Capricorn=6.9
+Aquarius=5.6
+Pisces=8.2
Aquarius
Aquarius + Aquarius=5.2
+Pisces=4.6
Pisces
Pisces + Pisces=3.2
Scoprio has a ton of high ones which is not a surprise at all because I am so sweet- no wonder I have so many girls always just trying to get them off of me. But it looks like even though I am compatitible with alot of other signs, the cancer is the highest for me so I shall wait. I hope you use this as the only guide to how you choose your mate, don't trust your gut because it will be wrong. Trust what this says and nothing else. Look back at how many times you trusted what you thought was right- now go back and think if you were right- I already know the answer- you were wrong. See WTF do you know. So listen to this guide and only get with who you are told to be with. And if your with someone that is low compatibility then dump then or divorce them or whatever right now because it is bound to happen.
Tease
Just wetting your appetite, I have already planned the blog I got tonight. It is about compatibility of the zodiacs. I will give each sign- I didn't make these up I read them in a book. So if you are an leo, then it will show you how good you are with every other sign. I don't know if other people believe in this stuff but my sign is very close to getting me right so I have to believe in that. So I have to play guitar and eat and watch some shows but don't worry I will hit you back up. Now you are like wait am I with the right person, how can you do this to me leaving me like this to wonder. It's like the tease at the 5 o'clock news- and we have something that your kids are eating at school that could kill your kids in under 1 min- tonight at 11. Boom tease- I learned that in college.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
I got you follow this:
So I set my guys up with all they need to get past the first date on one of my last post but then I don't tell them what to do next. What kind of Doctor of Love am I to just leave them hanging. So in this post I am going to hook them up and let them know what they need to do.
Let me set the scene for you because I know you like to picture this junk you pervs. You go back to her place, at her door your thinking should I give her a good night kiss, hands all sweaty like a loser, and she is like do you want to come inside-Surpriiiiiise. (Remember that surprise from the sweetest thing where the dude popped his junk out of the glory hole and hit Cameron Diaz in the eye. Well that is the surprise I am using so when you read it out loud make sure you say surpriiiise in like a higher pitched voice. It makes it sweeter trust me. If you have not seen that movie, well its got parts in it that are really funny but as a whole it's just alright. The few parts are worth it though.)
So you go inside, her house is clean, which is not that much of a surprise(that is a normal surprise right there so don't do the voice just say it normal) because you are with a real lady here. Then she puts on the tv- I know you want to watch the game but don't look at it, stay focused, or just get a spot where you can watch the tv but fake like your paying attention. So then let her make the first move, keep licking your lips though and grabbing at your junks, don't itch it but just maybe like pinch it a few times and even point to it everyonce in awhile to get her all excited let her know you want it. Just don't make it obvious, you don't want to come off as a perv who is just in it to hit it. Then after making out for like 5 mins of really sloppy kissing(extra sloppy please) she will say the classic line to you-let me go change into something more comfortable. You know what that means. I know your thinking wtf? do hot girls actually use that line- well if they are hot enough they will. So why she is getting changed, make sure you stretch and then get your mp3 player ready. So when she invites you back into the room, this is what you do.
Say nice robe, and then you put your mp3 player into her computer and play this:
This freaking song will get the slut really moving. If she is like I can't dance tell her to shut up and get to moving her junk. It doesn't matter if she is off beat, just the fact that she is shaking it is enough. I know you probably can't dance but I have figured out a way around that for all of you. I know you can't dance like me and that is fine. You will never be like me so don't try, she won't expect that from you, she obviously sets her bar low if she is letting you in so be confident in that. This is the move you do. Since you are wearing the warm up pants- make sure they are the kind that snaps off like a basketball player. I am sure it goes without saying that you have no underwear on all night, I hope you figured that part out already but if you didn't your an idiot and make sure you are free balling it please. Now that you know your not rocking undies, as she is shaking her jelly your gonna want to shake yours, so get up and rip those freaking pants off, make sure you keep your socks and tshirt on and just have your balls and junk barely showing and just let it flop around. Trust me she will be losing it after like six flops. I have surveyed a ton of girls, done a ton of research, tons of graphs to back it up and all of the ladies say there is not a better look for a guy then a dude that is just bottomless with a tshirt and socks on. Don't be afraid to let it flop around, the floppier the better but don't really let her see all of it, let her use some imagination jeez.
Look you know what to do at this point, just freaking close the deal. After she sees you bottomless it is basically in the bank for you at that point. I would continue to dance the song out and then play some r kelly but that is just me.
Make sure you do not cuddle and make sure you leave if you ever want to see this girl again. Also call her by the wrong name afterwards- don't let her have control.
Let me set the scene for you because I know you like to picture this junk you pervs. You go back to her place, at her door your thinking should I give her a good night kiss, hands all sweaty like a loser, and she is like do you want to come inside-Surpriiiiiise. (Remember that surprise from the sweetest thing where the dude popped his junk out of the glory hole and hit Cameron Diaz in the eye. Well that is the surprise I am using so when you read it out loud make sure you say surpriiiise in like a higher pitched voice. It makes it sweeter trust me. If you have not seen that movie, well its got parts in it that are really funny but as a whole it's just alright. The few parts are worth it though.)
So you go inside, her house is clean, which is not that much of a surprise(that is a normal surprise right there so don't do the voice just say it normal) because you are with a real lady here. Then she puts on the tv- I know you want to watch the game but don't look at it, stay focused, or just get a spot where you can watch the tv but fake like your paying attention. So then let her make the first move, keep licking your lips though and grabbing at your junks, don't itch it but just maybe like pinch it a few times and even point to it everyonce in awhile to get her all excited let her know you want it. Just don't make it obvious, you don't want to come off as a perv who is just in it to hit it. Then after making out for like 5 mins of really sloppy kissing(extra sloppy please) she will say the classic line to you-let me go change into something more comfortable. You know what that means. I know your thinking wtf? do hot girls actually use that line- well if they are hot enough they will. So why she is getting changed, make sure you stretch and then get your mp3 player ready. So when she invites you back into the room, this is what you do.
Say nice robe, and then you put your mp3 player into her computer and play this:
This freaking song will get the slut really moving. If she is like I can't dance tell her to shut up and get to moving her junk. It doesn't matter if she is off beat, just the fact that she is shaking it is enough. I know you probably can't dance but I have figured out a way around that for all of you. I know you can't dance like me and that is fine. You will never be like me so don't try, she won't expect that from you, she obviously sets her bar low if she is letting you in so be confident in that. This is the move you do. Since you are wearing the warm up pants- make sure they are the kind that snaps off like a basketball player. I am sure it goes without saying that you have no underwear on all night, I hope you figured that part out already but if you didn't your an idiot and make sure you are free balling it please. Now that you know your not rocking undies, as she is shaking her jelly your gonna want to shake yours, so get up and rip those freaking pants off, make sure you keep your socks and tshirt on and just have your balls and junk barely showing and just let it flop around. Trust me she will be losing it after like six flops. I have surveyed a ton of girls, done a ton of research, tons of graphs to back it up and all of the ladies say there is not a better look for a guy then a dude that is just bottomless with a tshirt and socks on. Don't be afraid to let it flop around, the floppier the better but don't really let her see all of it, let her use some imagination jeez.
Look you know what to do at this point, just freaking close the deal. After she sees you bottomless it is basically in the bank for you at that point. I would continue to dance the song out and then play some r kelly but that is just me.
Make sure you do not cuddle and make sure you leave if you ever want to see this girl again. Also call her by the wrong name afterwards- don't let her have control.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Elisha Cuthbert
Oh man I used to love this girl. After I saw this movie(sweet movie by the way, it is very underrated) The girl next door, all I was hoping was for a girl who looked like this:
Not to say she is still not pretty hot ,but that is not the same girl as the one from the movie and the top picture. She looks like an everyday good looking girl. I am sure the one on top is a bit airbrushed but still they would have to go to town with the one on the bottom. I know you ladies are now thinking whatever your a jerk. Well sorry but this is what guys are thinking about. I just need to tell you. Of course I have higher expectations then that. But I have been told my expectations are way to high, well stop teasing me then and I won't expect much trust me. Jeez how much faith we put in hot girls and they always let us down with their eating habits and the slow metabolism. My girl is gonna be on a strict 1000 cal a day diet, that I will prepare for her. She will be ugly I am sure but she will have as good a body as she could possibly have. I will make sure she reaches her peak. Me on the other hand its not about the looks for the girls, its all about the zings. Sorry ladies no washboard abs here. It's not about that for me and it should not be about that for you. I hate superficial girls.
Man she was sick in that movie. You don't ever see girls like this. Ever. Which is probably why I didn't find her. But of course, oh how things change and the hot girls go downhill like always because look at her now.
Not to say she is still not pretty hot ,but that is not the same girl as the one from the movie and the top picture. She looks like an everyday good looking girl. I am sure the one on top is a bit airbrushed but still they would have to go to town with the one on the bottom. I know you ladies are now thinking whatever your a jerk. Well sorry but this is what guys are thinking about. I just need to tell you. Of course I have higher expectations then that. But I have been told my expectations are way to high, well stop teasing me then and I won't expect much trust me. Jeez how much faith we put in hot girls and they always let us down with their eating habits and the slow metabolism. My girl is gonna be on a strict 1000 cal a day diet, that I will prepare for her. She will be ugly I am sure but she will have as good a body as she could possibly have. I will make sure she reaches her peak. Me on the other hand its not about the looks for the girls, its all about the zings. Sorry ladies no washboard abs here. It's not about that for me and it should not be about that for you. I hate superficial girls. Saturday, May 8, 2010
Not me
Ohhh man you got some huge balls to be reading my blog. WTF? Are you kidding me. Yeah I am talking to you. You know that. I am talking stepbrother balls where he is actually playing the drums with his balls. I guess those aren't big balls just really saggy so what I should say is man you got some saggy balls to be coming on here and read my blog. If you only knew right? They are just not me. According to you they don't have to be, you don't expect much. You let them off easy. And if you think I am talking about you, then maybe you want to check the ego at the door, or the title I should say.
Now that I got that junk out of my system. I know I said that I wasn't gonna make this blog personal and I didn't really say much, that was just between me and you (WTF?) But let me get onto my dating advice, actually this is about 4 dating mistakes every guy makes on the first date. Yes even I have made them but hey I have learned from them and you should learn from me as I break down the mistakes that this numbnut says all guys make to help you get in the game.
1. To many text
Man I am way over the top with texting, not really in general but I can be overboard but trust me you should not. No matter how clever your text are, and your text will not be as clever as mine, so just don't try it. Text this "meet me at Chili's, 8:00, wear something hot, high heels with socks, so I don't see your gross feet, I will be looking average at best in warm up pants and white T, come with topics to talk about and bring some cash in case I am short on money I have $10. Don't be late. If your 3 mins late I leave. Look forward to seeing you, you better be looking hot."
That is it, that is all the text you need. I tried to kill the text and it didn't work. Why talk when you are just wasting your time, you just need one text that says all you want to say. Maybe two if you don't have enough characters. Don't overdo it this guy is right. To many text will kill the date before it even gets started.
2. Checking his manners at the door
Well he started off good but he quickly went downhill. No girl wants a gentleman nowadays. They want a bad boy so not only do you not open the door for them you actually race her to the door and then quickly close it behind you as to say get your own door. They love that junk. Never tell a girl she is really pretty make sure to just say she looks hot or man I want to do you. Make sure you say things she has heard a ton of times, and sound exasperated when you say it like your just saying it because you have to. Don't be creative in compliments and if you don't really have to say them don't. I hate girls who fish for them like so how do I look, well I would have told you I had a boner if I thought you looked hot now wouldn't I. I hate the word beautiful or breath taking or stunning, just talk like you would when you talk to one of your guy friends, girls don't need to hear all that other junk. It gives them an ego and that is the worst. You always want to keep them guessing, the last thing you want to do is let it out that you may want another date. That gives her all the control and your just along for her ride. Play the game buddy. Don't let her ever know what you are really thinking. That is the real mistake guys make.
3. Too much too quick
Whatever- tell her everything from when was the last time you did it to what is your favorite time of day to drop a duke. Girls love to talk so don't let them. Show them who is in control. Girls love a guy who listens to them, who remembers the little things. Well don't allow that to take place. Keep talking and make sure whatever she says you have a story for even if it is made up so it is all about you. She won't know if it is made up or not as long as you can lie your butt off. Don't laugh when you say it either. Any little hint of a lie and it is over. Here try this "Yeah so I can do 180 push ups in a row how many can you do?" Then as she says something like probably 10 make a face like your not impressed. Even though you can only do 30 she doesn't have to know. What I like to do is right in the restaurant, break out some push ups and really crank them out because she will want you to stop after ten but the speed will get her thinking that you probably could do 180. Yep second date right then. Also probably moist in the panties as well. If you think she won't do it, go ahead and ask her to sit on your back as you do it. Risky but worth it if she says no. It is all about really impressing the girl on the first date with someone she has never seen before. You have to be memorable. You have to get that second date.
4. Talking too much about sex
Haha ok is this guy joking. He must be because normally the first thing I do is ask the girl if she can pick up my fork and surprise my junks is hanging out right through the zipper that hardly anyone uses. Well I do and I use it to perfection. I usually wink at the girl right after that to let her know what she is in store for tonight. I use the classic line do you have any penis noir(zing) which I think girls just love that. I kill footsie even though I hate feet. I really don't want her kicking my balls all around but I go at it on her until she gives me the cut it out look. This is even before the bread gets their. That is when I really lay it on thick, as the waiter is standing with us, I am like "so you said you do want to go in the bathroom and do it, oh haha sorry didn't see you there, I will take the nuggets off the kids meal and she will order for herself. Also the dessert(as I am pointing down to my junk and then to her) is coming later so don't ask us if we want anything unless you want to actually right down wiener on the check(awkward silence-love it). You will totally score with my advice because you are subtly bringing up sex without being obvious. Don't lay it on so heavy that she is turned off because that won't work, you have to read the signals.
So there are the four dating mistakes I am sure you have made on the first date and you go home wondering WTF? did I do wrong. Well you won't be going home saying that anymore, you will go home saying man her body is not all that hot. I expected better. That is what you want to be saying after your first date. Thanks to me you will. Just do what I say.
Now that I got that junk out of my system. I know I said that I wasn't gonna make this blog personal and I didn't really say much, that was just between me and you (WTF?) But let me get onto my dating advice, actually this is about 4 dating mistakes every guy makes on the first date. Yes even I have made them but hey I have learned from them and you should learn from me as I break down the mistakes that this numbnut says all guys make to help you get in the game.
1. To many text
Man I am way over the top with texting, not really in general but I can be overboard but trust me you should not. No matter how clever your text are, and your text will not be as clever as mine, so just don't try it. Text this "meet me at Chili's, 8:00, wear something hot, high heels with socks, so I don't see your gross feet, I will be looking average at best in warm up pants and white T, come with topics to talk about and bring some cash in case I am short on money I have $10. Don't be late. If your 3 mins late I leave. Look forward to seeing you, you better be looking hot."
That is it, that is all the text you need. I tried to kill the text and it didn't work. Why talk when you are just wasting your time, you just need one text that says all you want to say. Maybe two if you don't have enough characters. Don't overdo it this guy is right. To many text will kill the date before it even gets started.
2. Checking his manners at the door
Well he started off good but he quickly went downhill. No girl wants a gentleman nowadays. They want a bad boy so not only do you not open the door for them you actually race her to the door and then quickly close it behind you as to say get your own door. They love that junk. Never tell a girl she is really pretty make sure to just say she looks hot or man I want to do you. Make sure you say things she has heard a ton of times, and sound exasperated when you say it like your just saying it because you have to. Don't be creative in compliments and if you don't really have to say them don't. I hate girls who fish for them like so how do I look, well I would have told you I had a boner if I thought you looked hot now wouldn't I. I hate the word beautiful or breath taking or stunning, just talk like you would when you talk to one of your guy friends, girls don't need to hear all that other junk. It gives them an ego and that is the worst. You always want to keep them guessing, the last thing you want to do is let it out that you may want another date. That gives her all the control and your just along for her ride. Play the game buddy. Don't let her ever know what you are really thinking. That is the real mistake guys make.
3. Too much too quick
Whatever- tell her everything from when was the last time you did it to what is your favorite time of day to drop a duke. Girls love to talk so don't let them. Show them who is in control. Girls love a guy who listens to them, who remembers the little things. Well don't allow that to take place. Keep talking and make sure whatever she says you have a story for even if it is made up so it is all about you. She won't know if it is made up or not as long as you can lie your butt off. Don't laugh when you say it either. Any little hint of a lie and it is over. Here try this "Yeah so I can do 180 push ups in a row how many can you do?" Then as she says something like probably 10 make a face like your not impressed. Even though you can only do 30 she doesn't have to know. What I like to do is right in the restaurant, break out some push ups and really crank them out because she will want you to stop after ten but the speed will get her thinking that you probably could do 180. Yep second date right then. Also probably moist in the panties as well. If you think she won't do it, go ahead and ask her to sit on your back as you do it. Risky but worth it if she says no. It is all about really impressing the girl on the first date with someone she has never seen before. You have to be memorable. You have to get that second date.
4. Talking too much about sex
Haha ok is this guy joking. He must be because normally the first thing I do is ask the girl if she can pick up my fork and surprise my junks is hanging out right through the zipper that hardly anyone uses. Well I do and I use it to perfection. I usually wink at the girl right after that to let her know what she is in store for tonight. I use the classic line do you have any penis noir(zing) which I think girls just love that. I kill footsie even though I hate feet. I really don't want her kicking my balls all around but I go at it on her until she gives me the cut it out look. This is even before the bread gets their. That is when I really lay it on thick, as the waiter is standing with us, I am like "so you said you do want to go in the bathroom and do it, oh haha sorry didn't see you there, I will take the nuggets off the kids meal and she will order for herself. Also the dessert(as I am pointing down to my junk and then to her) is coming later so don't ask us if we want anything unless you want to actually right down wiener on the check(awkward silence-love it). You will totally score with my advice because you are subtly bringing up sex without being obvious. Don't lay it on so heavy that she is turned off because that won't work, you have to read the signals.
So there are the four dating mistakes I am sure you have made on the first date and you go home wondering WTF? did I do wrong. Well you won't be going home saying that anymore, you will go home saying man her body is not all that hot. I expected better. That is what you want to be saying after your first date. Thanks to me you will. Just do what I say.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
10 reasons
Dr. Love is baaaaaack. Is that name sticking yet because I will continue to say it until it does. This one is on 10 reasons why guys aren't approaching girls.
Pretty simple I think, not alot of jokes on this one.
1. Your surrounded by lots of friends
Well here we go, most likely there is one hot one, one girl who thinks she is hotter then she really is, one average one who is kind of quiet, a loud girl who is probably pretty annoying, and one ugly girl where you are like how the F did she get with that group. Which one do you choose. I just the ugly one, why two fold, it is your best chance to actually have a girl interested in you and it makes the other girls jealous. All I am about is you getting in the game so if that means you have to date a couple of ugly girls for a few years until it finally hits the hot girl that you are worth a shot then that is what you need to do. I am on like my eighth ugly girl right now just to show girls that I don't care about looks. I am like hey hot girl look at me with old uglies over here, would a jerk be dating this old hag, don't think so. It will work in the end, I can see she is coming around.
2. She is too hot
Yeah stay away from the real hot girls, most of the time they are not hot enough to deal with their huge ego, usually the room is only big enough for two things and your not one of them. Move on to the next one.
3. She is getting to tipsy
What the F? That means approach the F out of her. Remember no morals in my training. This is your shot to slip in there. Now if you feel bad about banging a girl that is passed out well first off grow a pair and second off do this, lay her in the bed, take her clothes off and take yours off and then fake sleep until she wakes up, even do the fake snore like real loud and then like do a big stretch when you fake wake up she will by it and be like hey whats up, did we??? just like in the movies right? then play like real awkward and play like you were real drunk also and you will be fine. That is your in right there. Fake drunk, fake banging, your in. Nothing better then fake.
4. Looking sloppy
Oh nothing better then finding a girl who just looks like butt and then making her over. You want something with a good foundation, it's like finding a house that is a fixer upper. You need to find something that will work in the end. You don't want to get a girl who is say a 2 and then make her up, spend all that time and she is an 5. You want 3 to an 9. Look at that investment. So really start looking for something dumpy and don't let her ever get confidence because she will leave you if she ever thinks she is an 9. Just say things like hey it would be so sweet if you were hot but your just like one of us I love hanging with you. That kind of thing.
5.Downer Demeanor
Yeah they are right here there is nothing worse then a debbie downer.
6.She is with another guy in any capacity
True, if you see a girl with another guy, he better be gay, and if you can spot the kind of guy she is with to see where you fit in. If he is a douche just walk away. You can probably slap her in the face, I like to carry a white glove with me and when I see a hot girl with a douchebag I put the glove on and then like in the movies I take it off finger by finger and then slap her in the face with it. Just to show my disappointment, I think a glove face smack is universal. Just move on to the next girl if she is with that guy. You never want a shot because he is probably hung, he is probably orange, he probably spends alot of time getting ready, all the things you are not. That is the kind of guy you are like wtf is that girl thinking but she is stuck. Once you go douchebag you never go back. Sorry fellas.
7.She has a ring
50% of marriages end in divorce which means most of those girls with a ring on their finger are not happy. So just wait it out if you can, if she is worth it, she will be through with that guy soon enough, trust me count all your friends now, half of them will not be together in 7 years. I love those odds.
8.She seems busy
Well she probably is, but just like the divorce you got to wait it out. She will come to her senses, maybe even get married twice but you got plenty of time, she will see one day, maybe go get a tan, so much so that you are a bit like a carrot, then maybe she won't be so busy huh? Do you own a shirt two sizes two small, go buy one and rock that hard don't look insecure in it own it and swell up in that freakin black mini. Look you have to do what you have to do to win this girl, and if it means looking like a douchebag then that is what you have to do, I am only here to get you in the game so this outfit I am asking you to wear is just part of that. Suit up young fella.
9.She is literally tough to catch
Your not trying hard enough numbnuts. You just feel stupid about this outfit I got you in. Don't, look around the room, look at all the guys with the girls, you look like one of them now. Act like your one of them. Always look at yourself in the mirror not because your embarrassed but because you love yourself so much you can't help it, she will see you on her way to the bathroom and be like I love that shirt, is that glitter on it. Your like yeah I bedazzled it the other day. Boom your in.
10. She is a wall flower
This is where you spot the fixer upper. It will be dark if you are at a club that is why I like to do my dirty work during the day time. You never know what you will find at the gym. I like to first just look chest level. That way I can knock out all the smalls. Nope to small, yeah right a cup, that sorta thing, then I go up to the face- hmm pony and glasses but good face I can do something with that, even though I am grossed out right now looking at her I see potential. Lets make sure she doesn't have alot of confidence and she is not the ugly one in the group. See they will look out for her you want a girl with just like one cool friend who doesn't think your in it for yourself. She thinks you are hanging with this girl because you like her. Hahaha yeah like I would do that, I am here for the future investment. So pay attention to the wall flowers because that may be where it's at.
Pretty simple I think, not alot of jokes on this one.
1. Your surrounded by lots of friends
Well here we go, most likely there is one hot one, one girl who thinks she is hotter then she really is, one average one who is kind of quiet, a loud girl who is probably pretty annoying, and one ugly girl where you are like how the F did she get with that group. Which one do you choose. I just the ugly one, why two fold, it is your best chance to actually have a girl interested in you and it makes the other girls jealous. All I am about is you getting in the game so if that means you have to date a couple of ugly girls for a few years until it finally hits the hot girl that you are worth a shot then that is what you need to do. I am on like my eighth ugly girl right now just to show girls that I don't care about looks. I am like hey hot girl look at me with old uglies over here, would a jerk be dating this old hag, don't think so. It will work in the end, I can see she is coming around.
2. She is too hot
Yeah stay away from the real hot girls, most of the time they are not hot enough to deal with their huge ego, usually the room is only big enough for two things and your not one of them. Move on to the next one.
3. She is getting to tipsy
What the F? That means approach the F out of her. Remember no morals in my training. This is your shot to slip in there. Now if you feel bad about banging a girl that is passed out well first off grow a pair and second off do this, lay her in the bed, take her clothes off and take yours off and then fake sleep until she wakes up, even do the fake snore like real loud and then like do a big stretch when you fake wake up she will by it and be like hey whats up, did we??? just like in the movies right? then play like real awkward and play like you were real drunk also and you will be fine. That is your in right there. Fake drunk, fake banging, your in. Nothing better then fake.
4. Looking sloppy
Oh nothing better then finding a girl who just looks like butt and then making her over. You want something with a good foundation, it's like finding a house that is a fixer upper. You need to find something that will work in the end. You don't want to get a girl who is say a 2 and then make her up, spend all that time and she is an 5. You want 3 to an 9. Look at that investment. So really start looking for something dumpy and don't let her ever get confidence because she will leave you if she ever thinks she is an 9. Just say things like hey it would be so sweet if you were hot but your just like one of us I love hanging with you. That kind of thing.
5.Downer Demeanor
Yeah they are right here there is nothing worse then a debbie downer.
6.She is with another guy in any capacity
True, if you see a girl with another guy, he better be gay, and if you can spot the kind of guy she is with to see where you fit in. If he is a douche just walk away. You can probably slap her in the face, I like to carry a white glove with me and when I see a hot girl with a douchebag I put the glove on and then like in the movies I take it off finger by finger and then slap her in the face with it. Just to show my disappointment, I think a glove face smack is universal. Just move on to the next girl if she is with that guy. You never want a shot because he is probably hung, he is probably orange, he probably spends alot of time getting ready, all the things you are not. That is the kind of guy you are like wtf is that girl thinking but she is stuck. Once you go douchebag you never go back. Sorry fellas.
7.She has a ring
50% of marriages end in divorce which means most of those girls with a ring on their finger are not happy. So just wait it out if you can, if she is worth it, she will be through with that guy soon enough, trust me count all your friends now, half of them will not be together in 7 years. I love those odds.
8.She seems busy
Well she probably is, but just like the divorce you got to wait it out. She will come to her senses, maybe even get married twice but you got plenty of time, she will see one day, maybe go get a tan, so much so that you are a bit like a carrot, then maybe she won't be so busy huh? Do you own a shirt two sizes two small, go buy one and rock that hard don't look insecure in it own it and swell up in that freakin black mini. Look you have to do what you have to do to win this girl, and if it means looking like a douchebag then that is what you have to do, I am only here to get you in the game so this outfit I am asking you to wear is just part of that. Suit up young fella.
9.She is literally tough to catch
Your not trying hard enough numbnuts. You just feel stupid about this outfit I got you in. Don't, look around the room, look at all the guys with the girls, you look like one of them now. Act like your one of them. Always look at yourself in the mirror not because your embarrassed but because you love yourself so much you can't help it, she will see you on her way to the bathroom and be like I love that shirt, is that glitter on it. Your like yeah I bedazzled it the other day. Boom your in.
10. She is a wall flower
This is where you spot the fixer upper. It will be dark if you are at a club that is why I like to do my dirty work during the day time. You never know what you will find at the gym. I like to first just look chest level. That way I can knock out all the smalls. Nope to small, yeah right a cup, that sorta thing, then I go up to the face- hmm pony and glasses but good face I can do something with that, even though I am grossed out right now looking at her I see potential. Lets make sure she doesn't have alot of confidence and she is not the ugly one in the group. See they will look out for her you want a girl with just like one cool friend who doesn't think your in it for yourself. She thinks you are hanging with this girl because you like her. Hahaha yeah like I would do that, I am here for the future investment. So pay attention to the wall flowers because that may be where it's at.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
10 things he is thinking on the first date
Dr. Love is in the house. I need to be playing guitar, drinking some soda and going to be, but instead I will hit you all up because I know you are waiting. So lets get to it. Glamour has taken a bunch of idiot guys and asked them what they are thinking before the first date. So I am going to take each guy and what they had to say and give him some advice. Lets hope he lands the girl of his dreams like I helped that fat funny guy I was telling you about in the last post. Here we go:
1. Gerald 29 "I tell myself, Don’t embarrass yourself and ask a lot of questions.” Questions are good, I am full of them like "do you mind if I stare at this other girls butt as she walks by." See what I did there was ask a question-engage her so that she is part of the conversation, and also be nice, polite about it, don't get mad if she says no just roll your eyes to make her feel bad. Plus you basically know at that point she is a prude and your not going to hit that night so you may want to leave now.
2.Dan 20 "Is she the type of girl who will think it’s cheesy/over-the-top if I open the car door, or will she think I’m a true gentleman?” She will think your cheesy I am sure-these girls always talk about being independent so I just sit in the car and wait for her to open it for me. Most of the time they don't but the good ones will If she doesn't wait a few seconds and then drive away while she thinks about what she has done wrong. Text her later and apologize and make up an excuse. She will want you back I am sure of it. Also never open the door to the place your going, allow her, let her feel like she is actually doing something on the date not just looking hot. Girls these days want to feel valued so let them. Let her order also for you. "I will take the steak" And for you sir? Stare at her until she orders for you. "He would like nuggets and ranch oh no nuggets, then tenders."
3. Michael, 25, Hoppington, Mass."What the hell is she doing with me?!” I have no idea Michael, probably just bored and didn't want to sit home alone. No way she is actually interested- I learned that the hard way.
4. Mark, 27, St. Louis, Mo. "Uh-oh, she’s a lactose-intolerant vegetarian. What am I going to feed this girl?” WTF Mark what do you really expect to get out of this girl. She is more trouble then she is worth unless she is really hot then you stick around but if she is just average run now.
5. “If things go well, when is the next time I should call her?” —Rob, 27, New York City. Don't call her Rob let her call you. She will if she liked you enough, if not she will have already kicked you to the curb and on to the next guy. Your probably thinking things went really well, she is quite the opposite, saying how do I turn this guy down nicely. I will wait a few days then tell him I have been thinking this over for the last few days and we are just better off as friends, good luck with that Rob. Your gonna get a call either way don't worry.
6.“I worry that I’ll make a joke about something, start laughing, and then she will not.” —Jim, 24, North Attleboro, Mass. All girls love a guy with a great sense of humor. Normally it is on the top of the list which is probably why I have had so much success. I am good with the zings so I never have had to worry about if the girl does not laugh, I only worry if she laughs to hard and embarrasses me with her loud laugh. Try having that problem Jim, being to funny that no girl wants to be with you because their stomachs hurt from laughing too hard that they are in pain by the end of the date and they actually have to say we can't do this anymore because you are too funny. Think about that Jim before you start complaining about not being funny at all. Walk a mile in my shoes if you can make it without killing yourself from laughing to hard.
7.“Before a first date, I am usually thinking about topics to keep the conversation going and reminding myself of manners.” —Chris, 22, Wayne, N.J. Yeah I always think it is a good idea to right them on your body. Just have topics all over like favorite color, how do you like the weather so far, if you were an animal what would you be? That sort of thing. I even write one on my junk in case I get lucky that way I have something to talk about while we are hitting it. Yeah so hold on oh yeah do you like that and also if you could have one superpower what would you have? What do you mean shut up I am ruining this, that is it I am out of here. Oh and one more thing hold on let me find it(looks at upper thigh)" What is your favorite rollar coaster?" Rebel Yell- backwards or forwards(winging it right now like a true pro) ok ok I'm leaving jeez.
8. “If I take her to a scary movie, will she grab onto my arm?” —Corey, 29, Salt Lake City, Utah Maybe, but normally I do the classic move where I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket and just slip my junk through it that way when she gets nervous she grabs a hold of that. Surprise!! You will feel like an idiot though bringing in your own popcorn bucket like oh no I already have a bucket I just want the popcorn please. What do you mean you already have your own bucket and what is with the duct tape on the bottom, don't worry about it kid just load it up with freaking butter would ya your killing my date right now. It's worth it though.
9. " Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up.” —Paul, 22, Brooklyn, N.Y. Your gonna screw it up Paul sorry to tell you. Don't worry there are tons more dates your going to screw up in your lifetime your still young.
10."Am I going to get lucky?” —Paddy, 27, Ireland You got to be kidding me with that name, no your not going to get lucky. Even though girls do love a douche with an accent so maybe if you really play the Irish part up and wear like all green and say top of the morning to you, stupid girls will eat that up but then you can never not be the Irish idiot so be careful with that.
That is all guys, I hope you take my advice because it is there to be used, not laughed at. I know what I am talking about which I think should go without saying but I just say it to remind you all that I am Dr. Love. I didn't give myself that name that would be stupid someone else gave it to me and it just stuck now everyone calls me that except my friends and family.
1. Gerald 29 "I tell myself, Don’t embarrass yourself and ask a lot of questions.” Questions are good, I am full of them like "do you mind if I stare at this other girls butt as she walks by." See what I did there was ask a question-engage her so that she is part of the conversation, and also be nice, polite about it, don't get mad if she says no just roll your eyes to make her feel bad. Plus you basically know at that point she is a prude and your not going to hit that night so you may want to leave now.
2.Dan 20 "Is she the type of girl who will think it’s cheesy/over-the-top if I open the car door, or will she think I’m a true gentleman?” She will think your cheesy I am sure-these girls always talk about being independent so I just sit in the car and wait for her to open it for me. Most of the time they don't but the good ones will If she doesn't wait a few seconds and then drive away while she thinks about what she has done wrong. Text her later and apologize and make up an excuse. She will want you back I am sure of it. Also never open the door to the place your going, allow her, let her feel like she is actually doing something on the date not just looking hot. Girls these days want to feel valued so let them. Let her order also for you. "I will take the steak" And for you sir? Stare at her until she orders for you. "He would like nuggets and ranch oh no nuggets, then tenders."
3. Michael, 25, Hoppington, Mass."What the hell is she doing with me?!” I have no idea Michael, probably just bored and didn't want to sit home alone. No way she is actually interested- I learned that the hard way.
4. Mark, 27, St. Louis, Mo. "Uh-oh, she’s a lactose-intolerant vegetarian. What am I going to feed this girl?” WTF Mark what do you really expect to get out of this girl. She is more trouble then she is worth unless she is really hot then you stick around but if she is just average run now.
5. “If things go well, when is the next time I should call her?” —Rob, 27, New York City. Don't call her Rob let her call you. She will if she liked you enough, if not she will have already kicked you to the curb and on to the next guy. Your probably thinking things went really well, she is quite the opposite, saying how do I turn this guy down nicely. I will wait a few days then tell him I have been thinking this over for the last few days and we are just better off as friends, good luck with that Rob. Your gonna get a call either way don't worry.
6.“I worry that I’ll make a joke about something, start laughing, and then she will not.” —Jim, 24, North Attleboro, Mass. All girls love a guy with a great sense of humor. Normally it is on the top of the list which is probably why I have had so much success. I am good with the zings so I never have had to worry about if the girl does not laugh, I only worry if she laughs to hard and embarrasses me with her loud laugh. Try having that problem Jim, being to funny that no girl wants to be with you because their stomachs hurt from laughing too hard that they are in pain by the end of the date and they actually have to say we can't do this anymore because you are too funny. Think about that Jim before you start complaining about not being funny at all. Walk a mile in my shoes if you can make it without killing yourself from laughing to hard.
7.“Before a first date, I am usually thinking about topics to keep the conversation going and reminding myself of manners.” —Chris, 22, Wayne, N.J. Yeah I always think it is a good idea to right them on your body. Just have topics all over like favorite color, how do you like the weather so far, if you were an animal what would you be? That sort of thing. I even write one on my junk in case I get lucky that way I have something to talk about while we are hitting it. Yeah so hold on oh yeah do you like that and also if you could have one superpower what would you have? What do you mean shut up I am ruining this, that is it I am out of here. Oh and one more thing hold on let me find it(looks at upper thigh)" What is your favorite rollar coaster?" Rebel Yell- backwards or forwards(winging it right now like a true pro) ok ok I'm leaving jeez.
8. “If I take her to a scary movie, will she grab onto my arm?” —Corey, 29, Salt Lake City, Utah Maybe, but normally I do the classic move where I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket and just slip my junk through it that way when she gets nervous she grabs a hold of that. Surprise!! You will feel like an idiot though bringing in your own popcorn bucket like oh no I already have a bucket I just want the popcorn please. What do you mean you already have your own bucket and what is with the duct tape on the bottom, don't worry about it kid just load it up with freaking butter would ya your killing my date right now. It's worth it though.
9. " Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up.” —Paul, 22, Brooklyn, N.Y. Your gonna screw it up Paul sorry to tell you. Don't worry there are tons more dates your going to screw up in your lifetime your still young.
10."Am I going to get lucky?” —Paddy, 27, Ireland You got to be kidding me with that name, no your not going to get lucky. Even though girls do love a douche with an accent so maybe if you really play the Irish part up and wear like all green and say top of the morning to you, stupid girls will eat that up but then you can never not be the Irish idiot so be careful with that.
That is all guys, I hope you take my advice because it is there to be used, not laughed at. I know what I am talking about which I think should go without saying but I just say it to remind you all that I am Dr. Love. I didn't give myself that name that would be stupid someone else gave it to me and it just stuck now everyone calls me that except my friends and family.
New Direction
So I was thinking today... I should just leave it at that. But I won't because I know you all would not be able to sleep tonight. Did you see my facebook status. I just turned into a douche right before every one's eyes. As soon as I wrote about what I actually was doing that day I could feel I turned douche in my stomach, everything changed from that point on I was like Scott Howard( Michael J Fox) in teen wolf except he turned cooler once he became the wolf it was almost like backwards for me like I have been the wolf and then I turned into the normal loser. Now boof wants everything to do with me because I am a loser and the hot girl wants nothing to do with me. That's weird. What a chain of events I just set off in my life. I can't even dunk now. All because I insisted on right about picking up a turd which was a lie because I wanted to say dropped but didn't know how people would feel about it so I went with picked up actually I didn't I just said it because I mention that about picking up the turd the other day.
I was thinking today how good I am at giving dating advice and how freakin sweet my dating advice post are. So maybe from now on since I am trying to be more focused I will just be like Dr. Love on here and just give dating advice. I am full of it. You know its like I could just give helpless romantics waiting to be hooked up advice and not even date and I would be happy because I know those losers would be better off. They just need a push in the right direction. I just help get guys in the game that is all, give them a shot because that is all most of these guys need, I tell the guys and this is the lines I am famous for around dating circles, this is my money maker right here: "She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom."
There it is I just laid it on you all for free. Confidence boost you know for the goof. I open her eyes for him. Let her see what the f she needs to see. So he gets a shot actually, which sounds crazy. Then the girl realizes what was I thinking with those other douchebags where has this loveable loser been all my life(surprise)!!! And then at the same time my love life is not existent and like I go on a date and become allergic to something and my face gets really fat, and then I also kick the love of my life in the face on a jet ski, and then she gets real mad at me because I am like a love doctor. She wants nothing to do with me and she is like I can't do this you need to back off because your Dr. Love. And I am like fine- the same time the fat guy I am helping is losing the love of his life and he is falling apart. His heart is breaking into like 5 pieces I think. He is like "You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you." or something like that. So I decide to give the girl a call and she was hating but she realized that big loser was the one for her and I had nothing to do with it, just opened her eyes. Job well done right?
But then I still have the issue of my own junk going on so I realize I can't go on without her, I don't know what my life will be like, if it will turn out, but I have to take the chance so I find her and I say "That's what people do.They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, (girls name right here), falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." Yep Yep I know right and you want to know what happens then. She still said nope I can't do it I am with this douchebag and your a loser. Nice try buddy. So Dr. Love fails again but like I said I don't need that as long as I can make others happy. I know my purpose in life now is to just help these schlubs find true love. How can I fight what I was put here to do? I can't. I won't. I have to put my own happiness aside and fulfill my destiny which is why I am saying my posts for now will be dating advice. You will learn alot and it will be free because why should I charge something so great.
You know they should make a movie out of this.
So I will put a post up tonight I think it will be on 10 things he is thinking before his first date. Glamour article- I will break it down because they don't know anything, I do.
Dr. Love
I was thinking today how good I am at giving dating advice and how freakin sweet my dating advice post are. So maybe from now on since I am trying to be more focused I will just be like Dr. Love on here and just give dating advice. I am full of it. You know its like I could just give helpless romantics waiting to be hooked up advice and not even date and I would be happy because I know those losers would be better off. They just need a push in the right direction. I just help get guys in the game that is all, give them a shot because that is all most of these guys need, I tell the guys and this is the lines I am famous for around dating circles, this is my money maker right here: "She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom."
There it is I just laid it on you all for free. Confidence boost you know for the goof. I open her eyes for him. Let her see what the f she needs to see. So he gets a shot actually, which sounds crazy. Then the girl realizes what was I thinking with those other douchebags where has this loveable loser been all my life(surprise)!!! And then at the same time my love life is not existent and like I go on a date and become allergic to something and my face gets really fat, and then I also kick the love of my life in the face on a jet ski, and then she gets real mad at me because I am like a love doctor. She wants nothing to do with me and she is like I can't do this you need to back off because your Dr. Love. And I am like fine- the same time the fat guy I am helping is losing the love of his life and he is falling apart. His heart is breaking into like 5 pieces I think. He is like "You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you." or something like that. So I decide to give the girl a call and she was hating but she realized that big loser was the one for her and I had nothing to do with it, just opened her eyes. Job well done right?
But then I still have the issue of my own junk going on so I realize I can't go on without her, I don't know what my life will be like, if it will turn out, but I have to take the chance so I find her and I say "That's what people do.They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, (girls name right here), falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." Yep Yep I know right and you want to know what happens then. She still said nope I can't do it I am with this douchebag and your a loser. Nice try buddy. So Dr. Love fails again but like I said I don't need that as long as I can make others happy. I know my purpose in life now is to just help these schlubs find true love. How can I fight what I was put here to do? I can't. I won't. I have to put my own happiness aside and fulfill my destiny which is why I am saying my posts for now will be dating advice. You will learn alot and it will be free because why should I charge something so great.
You know they should make a movie out of this.
So I will put a post up tonight I think it will be on 10 things he is thinking before his first date. Glamour article- I will break it down because they don't know anything, I do.
Dr. Love
Monday, May 3, 2010
6 ways
Man no wonder I have no first date success. Wait for it.....
I sit across from the girl during the date. I actually told someone to not sit side by side on a date and now from shine(yahoo) where I always get all my topics, well not all who am I kidding, just trying to be modest because many of the topics come straight from my head to your hearts. But this one says 6 ways to guarantee a successful first date and number one is don't sit directly across from him.
1. Don’t sit directly across from him. Perhaps there’s a reason that the word “date” conjures up those classic images of a guy and girl sitting side-by-side, sharing a chocolate malt. When you sit directly across from your date, it gives off a confrontational vibe. “It elicits a fight-or-flight response and creates stress,” says Janine Driver, author of the bestselling You Say More Than You Think “If you can’t sit side-by-side, then push your chair to one side of the table as you sit down.” Driver suggests aiming to sit about 30% off-center; so if you’re sitting opposite him, you’d both be able to stretch your legs out without hitting each other.
What the F, why did no one tell me this- maybe someone did but I would not listen- it is still hard to believe because whenever I see it I am like that does not look like it's going to work. I was wrong this whole time. On all of my four first dates I always sat across from the girl, and of course I never got a second. Now I know why.
2. Keep your hands where he can see them. You’re not some wilting flower, you’re a secure modern woman. Show your confidence by relaxing your hands and placing them on the table. Says Driver: “Keeping your hands in your lap is too passive. You want to go into a date with confidence, which also helps the guy feel confident, so you’re really doing him a favor.”
Again no one told me this because I always try to play with myself under the table during the date without them knowing. Now if someone would have told me that that was creepy and not correct on the first date I would not have done it. I was just practicing looking confident and moving my mouth like I was talking to the girl sitting 30% off center. It still needs work but I have years to get it right.
3. Smile, for real. There’s nothing worse than a disingenuous smile, and people pick up on it very easily. “In a real smile your eyes are involved,” says Greg Hartley, author of Date Decoder. In less flattering terms, when you smile sincerely your crow’s feet come out. But your willingness to go there – being open and relaxed enough to let loose – can go a long way toward making him feel comfortable (and it may help you feel less anxious, too). So even if you’re feeling a little nervous, don’t be afraid to flash a few big let-it-all-hang-out smiles.
I always look for crows feet. I hate eye contact but I love crows feet so it works out for me. But I always fake a smile. I always tell them that my friends call me chompers and that she could call me that if she wants to, like the guy in something about mary, so then I am always having like a real forced smile on my face so they think I really am called chompers. Basically the whole night is spent tyring to get her to call me chompers, if she does I pick up the bill, if not I do the thing where I hit my pockets and even my pocket on my shirt like I am looking for my wallet and then say "this is so embarrassing but I think I forgot my wallet." Then I hit my pockets a few more times until she says shes got it and then I force a huge smile showing my teeth. She has no idea the game I am playing. I have yet to get a girl to call me it but who cares because I never pay on the date. I win either way.
Here they say are signals it is going well
1. He’s touching you. Generally speaking, a guy shows his interest in you with constant touches. According to Driver, when things are going well, you’re likely to see as many as five instances of touching in the first 15 minutes of your date. So keep a mental scorecard, one point for each "touch": He hugged you when you met up, one point. He put his hand on your back as you walked through the door, two total points. He touched your arm when he asked you what you wanted to drink, three total points. He touched your leg as he was telling you about his day, four total points, etc. Obviously, this isn’t an exact science, so don’t freak out if you only get to three or four points. But if you’re on a date with a guy and he hasn’t touched you at all, that’s probably a bad sign (unless, of course, he’s super-shy).
I never touch- I am a freaking gentleman. I have a mental scorecard though of how many lame jokes she says, I will fake laugh up to five jokes and then after that the date is done. The laugh gets more and more extreme as well so that by number five she is thinking is this dude fake laughing at my jokes. By the way I am. And your right I haven't touched you at all, that is a bad sign.
2. He seems a little nervous. It’s actually a good thing when a guy is a little anxious the first time he takes you out. “It shows he has something invested, as opposed to seeing the date as just another outing,” says Hartley. “A little nervous energy is essential.” After all, the last thing you want is some Rico Suave-type professional dater who’s only thinking, “I got this one in the bag!”
Of course I am nervous, I always am nervous. My voice starts cracking like peter Brady and I get a nervous smile going. Don't get that confused with the fake smile because the nervous one is more of a creepy looking smile. Both are creepy don't get me wrong its just the nervous one is creepier. I like hold the water glass with two hands and even though I hate spills I end up spilling at least half my cup of water. Which makes me hate myself for at least two mins, I am like don't talk to me for two mins until I can calm down. So we sit there in awkward silence which I love. I constantly apologize until she is like enough already what is your deal and get your hands on the table because I think you might be playing with yourself. And I am like oh this old thing down here, it helps me calm down I am not doing it for pleasure at all. I am just nervous, which is a good thing right, and then I start going to town even harder. And I am like now its for pleasure-boom date is over I ruined it again. I don't get it is it me or them. I just have not met the right girl yet.
3. . He’s looking at your lips. As the night goes on, if you catch him looking at your lips that's also a good sign. “When a man looks at your lips, it’s sexual. It shows he wants to kiss you,” says Driver. If you’re not sure whether he’s feeling it or not, when you catch him glancing at your lips you’ll know that he is.
While the signals that someone throws off can be telling, don’t get so wrapped up in trying to read his body language that you lose track of the overall vibe of the date. The signs mentioned above are a good barometer, but they don’t always tell the whole story. “Women are naturally intuitive,” says Hartley. “Reading body language is about putting into words what you already recognize.” At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you have a good time and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Without any doubt, that’s the surest sign of a successful first date.
Yeah that is one of the things I am looking at. Most of all its crows feet. But if you do have hot lips then I will be staring. I have been wearing some gay chap stick lip balm but it smells really good, so I would probably be licking my lips but only because I like the flavor of my junk and you would be like oh this dude is into me. Wrong I am into myself. That doesn't sound right but sorry it's the way it goes.
I can't believe you are supposed to sit next to each other. Fine next date that girl is sitting right next to me. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea. We are starting off on the right foot and that way she will be able to see wear my hands are going and she can say stop it as soon as she hears the zipper. If I only knew, I would have been killing the first dates. They need to come out with second date advice now since I am a pro at the first date junk.
I sit across from the girl during the date. I actually told someone to not sit side by side on a date and now from shine(yahoo) where I always get all my topics, well not all who am I kidding, just trying to be modest because many of the topics come straight from my head to your hearts. But this one says 6 ways to guarantee a successful first date and number one is don't sit directly across from him.
1. Don’t sit directly across from him. Perhaps there’s a reason that the word “date” conjures up those classic images of a guy and girl sitting side-by-side, sharing a chocolate malt. When you sit directly across from your date, it gives off a confrontational vibe. “It elicits a fight-or-flight response and creates stress,” says Janine Driver, author of the bestselling You Say More Than You Think “If you can’t sit side-by-side, then push your chair to one side of the table as you sit down.” Driver suggests aiming to sit about 30% off-center; so if you’re sitting opposite him, you’d both be able to stretch your legs out without hitting each other.
What the F, why did no one tell me this- maybe someone did but I would not listen- it is still hard to believe because whenever I see it I am like that does not look like it's going to work. I was wrong this whole time. On all of my four first dates I always sat across from the girl, and of course I never got a second. Now I know why.
2. Keep your hands where he can see them. You’re not some wilting flower, you’re a secure modern woman. Show your confidence by relaxing your hands and placing them on the table. Says Driver: “Keeping your hands in your lap is too passive. You want to go into a date with confidence, which also helps the guy feel confident, so you’re really doing him a favor.”
Again no one told me this because I always try to play with myself under the table during the date without them knowing. Now if someone would have told me that that was creepy and not correct on the first date I would not have done it. I was just practicing looking confident and moving my mouth like I was talking to the girl sitting 30% off center. It still needs work but I have years to get it right.
3. Smile, for real. There’s nothing worse than a disingenuous smile, and people pick up on it very easily. “In a real smile your eyes are involved,” says Greg Hartley, author of Date Decoder. In less flattering terms, when you smile sincerely your crow’s feet come out. But your willingness to go there – being open and relaxed enough to let loose – can go a long way toward making him feel comfortable (and it may help you feel less anxious, too). So even if you’re feeling a little nervous, don’t be afraid to flash a few big let-it-all-hang-out smiles.
I always look for crows feet. I hate eye contact but I love crows feet so it works out for me. But I always fake a smile. I always tell them that my friends call me chompers and that she could call me that if she wants to, like the guy in something about mary, so then I am always having like a real forced smile on my face so they think I really am called chompers. Basically the whole night is spent tyring to get her to call me chompers, if she does I pick up the bill, if not I do the thing where I hit my pockets and even my pocket on my shirt like I am looking for my wallet and then say "this is so embarrassing but I think I forgot my wallet." Then I hit my pockets a few more times until she says shes got it and then I force a huge smile showing my teeth. She has no idea the game I am playing. I have yet to get a girl to call me it but who cares because I never pay on the date. I win either way.
Here they say are signals it is going well
1. He’s touching you. Generally speaking, a guy shows his interest in you with constant touches. According to Driver, when things are going well, you’re likely to see as many as five instances of touching in the first 15 minutes of your date. So keep a mental scorecard, one point for each "touch": He hugged you when you met up, one point. He put his hand on your back as you walked through the door, two total points. He touched your arm when he asked you what you wanted to drink, three total points. He touched your leg as he was telling you about his day, four total points, etc. Obviously, this isn’t an exact science, so don’t freak out if you only get to three or four points. But if you’re on a date with a guy and he hasn’t touched you at all, that’s probably a bad sign (unless, of course, he’s super-shy).
I never touch- I am a freaking gentleman. I have a mental scorecard though of how many lame jokes she says, I will fake laugh up to five jokes and then after that the date is done. The laugh gets more and more extreme as well so that by number five she is thinking is this dude fake laughing at my jokes. By the way I am. And your right I haven't touched you at all, that is a bad sign.
2. He seems a little nervous. It’s actually a good thing when a guy is a little anxious the first time he takes you out. “It shows he has something invested, as opposed to seeing the date as just another outing,” says Hartley. “A little nervous energy is essential.” After all, the last thing you want is some Rico Suave-type professional dater who’s only thinking, “I got this one in the bag!”
Of course I am nervous, I always am nervous. My voice starts cracking like peter Brady and I get a nervous smile going. Don't get that confused with the fake smile because the nervous one is more of a creepy looking smile. Both are creepy don't get me wrong its just the nervous one is creepier. I like hold the water glass with two hands and even though I hate spills I end up spilling at least half my cup of water. Which makes me hate myself for at least two mins, I am like don't talk to me for two mins until I can calm down. So we sit there in awkward silence which I love. I constantly apologize until she is like enough already what is your deal and get your hands on the table because I think you might be playing with yourself. And I am like oh this old thing down here, it helps me calm down I am not doing it for pleasure at all. I am just nervous, which is a good thing right, and then I start going to town even harder. And I am like now its for pleasure-boom date is over I ruined it again. I don't get it is it me or them. I just have not met the right girl yet.
3. . He’s looking at your lips. As the night goes on, if you catch him looking at your lips that's also a good sign. “When a man looks at your lips, it’s sexual. It shows he wants to kiss you,” says Driver. If you’re not sure whether he’s feeling it or not, when you catch him glancing at your lips you’ll know that he is.
While the signals that someone throws off can be telling, don’t get so wrapped up in trying to read his body language that you lose track of the overall vibe of the date. The signs mentioned above are a good barometer, but they don’t always tell the whole story. “Women are naturally intuitive,” says Hartley. “Reading body language is about putting into words what you already recognize.” At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you have a good time and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Without any doubt, that’s the surest sign of a successful first date.
Yeah that is one of the things I am looking at. Most of all its crows feet. But if you do have hot lips then I will be staring. I have been wearing some gay chap stick lip balm but it smells really good, so I would probably be licking my lips but only because I like the flavor of my junk and you would be like oh this dude is into me. Wrong I am into myself. That doesn't sound right but sorry it's the way it goes.
I can't believe you are supposed to sit next to each other. Fine next date that girl is sitting right next to me. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea. We are starting off on the right foot and that way she will be able to see wear my hands are going and she can say stop it as soon as she hears the zipper. If I only knew, I would have been killing the first dates. They need to come out with second date advice now since I am a pro at the first date junk.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Blah Blah Blah
Why can't at least one person put something clever on their facebook status updates. Blah Blah Blah that is all I am seeing. I know mine are out there and I just put one because I was loving what I had written last night so much I had to share it with the world. Obviously since I have no followers on here which is really embarrassing but i keep on keeping on I guess. Thanks readers for never leaving me any feedback- I do this all for you by the way. Right? The right reason. But back to my original point, wait back to my second point before I was interrupted by my back to the first point comment-rudely I might add- which point was I on wtf? oh talking about my status update- well you may see it on facebook and you will not laugh because it is not original to you, I have to recycle my jokes because like I have said before I am saving them for someone special. I have them written down in a book, jeez even this is not original the whole writing my jokes down in a book, nothing I say now is original I used the kay commercial joke months ago, but I think I was killing with that then, which is why I went right back to it. I don't think it worked as well because no one is laughing. Just me. I can't believe I used up all my good material. Hold up I am looking through fb now let me see how many status updates of my 75 friends or whatever- and of those friends how many of those people actually talk to me. Haha yeah exactly like 7, I have some telling me we can't be friends yet I am still a friend on fb so I guess in that world I am not harmless, just in real life. So I just looked and every ones page is horrible. What is the point. I used to have a bad page, wait I just looked at mine it is still awful with no pictures and jokes that it seems only I get and laugh at. I am the same in real life no picture and jokes only a few people get. Lets hope everyone else is a bit better. Doubt it. No lets hope for truth and integrity and inspiration or just something clever- something like that. Right? Haha ok. I wish I could put a thumbs down on peoples status updates and no one take it personal but they would because they are to sensitive but that way they would think about it before they leave something that was so plain like "going to the mall" or "picking up dogs turds" wait no one even writes that its worse then that, so bad I am like why the f am I on here, I guess just waiting for a diamond in the rough or something like that. I only go on there every once in awhile now more then the last few weeks but I always leave disappointed- you all are a huge disappointments let me tell you that. Now I am going to go to sleep but I am bitter at each and everyone of you. Every Kiss Begins With Kay.
Get it Floyd
So you all are not surprised. If you don't want me to ruin the outcome then you are stupid because you already know what the outcome was going to be. Anyway I figured since it's over I would hit this up before I go to bed. I know your thinking wtf? Two in one day but your wrong. It's already 12 so it's the next day numbnuts. But I did come up with my own list of 5 things that you might be doing to sabotage your relationship. See what I can get done with a bit of free time. I am like hitch, I can't date for myself but I sure can tell you what is working with yours, not only that I can even give you a list of what you may be doing wrong. And then actually name it 5 things you may be doing... such a clever title I know.
Wtf I just looked on yahoo and someone already had the exact same title and the same list as I spent all day doing. Now this day is a waste. Well why I am at it I may as well critique their list. Oh and I also went to borders and they didn't have the book I wanted WTF?
1. You’re frequently disappointed by your partner’s gifts or gestures.
I don't see anything wrong with this. I mean this is one of the five love languages (I know I sound like a love guru) they have to make an effort. The book says to write things down, they will give you hints, or just don't be an idiot and ask questions without it being that obvious. There is no reason that you should be a bad gift giver, that is just a lack of effort. Plus if worst comes to worst just put your junk in a box and say surprise. I would always make sure not to date them on a birthday anyway. That way I never have to deal with it, and then say man we should really try it again. She never has a clue. I don't even like to say happy birthday to anyone, no way I am going to give a gift unless I am giving a loves embrace. Basically I have bought a buttload of those just waiting to hand them out to the lucky ones. Can't go wrong with loves embrace. Did I read you the poem I came up with. For another time I guess. But if you are a bad gift giver she has all the right to kick you to the curb cause I would definitely kick the girl to the curb unless she had a big chest and then I would give her a second shot.
2. You focus on his faults.
Yes ladies I mean who cares if he pays you no attention, never really talks to you, is dirty, can be a jerk, acts like your the 5th or 6th thing on his list of priorities, who gives a care- remember your better off with him then being alone. You can't make it alone so just deal with it. And don't listen to when people say there are other men out there because there is another good saying that says all the good ones are taken. I tend to go with the second one. I mean once you are dating a single guy in their 30's there is probably a reason he is still single. See I am only 28 so I got a buttload of time to figure it out, and I mean buttload. But trust me, the day I hit 30 and am still single which is pretty much a lock, there will be plenty of reasons. Tops being that I used buttload twice in this paragraph alone. Grab the next guy you see, get on the internet and talk to as many guys as you can because your time is running out ladies. You don't have time to be reading this, shouldnt you be dating someone right now, I am sure he is a great guy that never says buttload. Oh there it is again. I have two years to cut that out.
3. You’re too available or have drastically changed your routine for him.
Yeah no one likes a too available slut. Or girl whatever you want to call em. Guys want the challenge right? Don't change for him at all, because he will not change for you. There is another saying "people don't change" did I just make that up because I have a book of sayings right here and I don't see it in there but I had to write something because I had already written "there is another saying" and I cannot backspace on this, one of my rules. Anyway werewais I, jeez see if I could only backspace that would have been where was I. I was telling you that people don't change, they don't like you enough really, they just want you to fall for the line I love you enough to change for you, I just made that line up also. You get my point though.
4. You’ve stopped getting glam for your dates…ever.
Eww no one wants to see you looking all gross. I know I don't, when I go out with a girl and am like excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and then I give them the number 2 signal with the fingers really I am going to throw up because of how not hot the girl is. And then I am in the mirror like Chris you to go out there and suck it up for 3 mins tops. Be polite, tell her she looks average and run. Don't look back. Leave the ugly girl with the check.
5. You discuss your relationship too much.
I like hearing on going commentary about the relationship, like you were really good at listening the other night as I went on and on about something stupid. Nowhere throughout the night did I catch you looking at other girls butts like you used to. I saw you wink at the girl but I then noticed you saw me catch you and then you pointed down to the orange as if to say it was a piece of pulp, like pulp can really shoot up into your eye. Either way all in all after I broke it down on the spreadsheet I give you an 8 out of 10, and I loved how you rated me a 6 out of 10 in looks that night, I love your honesty. Your are changing I can tell. Just like I knew you could.
Yeah right!
Wtf I just looked on yahoo and someone already had the exact same title and the same list as I spent all day doing. Now this day is a waste. Well why I am at it I may as well critique their list. Oh and I also went to borders and they didn't have the book I wanted WTF?
1. You’re frequently disappointed by your partner’s gifts or gestures.
I don't see anything wrong with this. I mean this is one of the five love languages (I know I sound like a love guru) they have to make an effort. The book says to write things down, they will give you hints, or just don't be an idiot and ask questions without it being that obvious. There is no reason that you should be a bad gift giver, that is just a lack of effort. Plus if worst comes to worst just put your junk in a box and say surprise. I would always make sure not to date them on a birthday anyway. That way I never have to deal with it, and then say man we should really try it again. She never has a clue. I don't even like to say happy birthday to anyone, no way I am going to give a gift unless I am giving a loves embrace. Basically I have bought a buttload of those just waiting to hand them out to the lucky ones. Can't go wrong with loves embrace. Did I read you the poem I came up with. For another time I guess. But if you are a bad gift giver she has all the right to kick you to the curb cause I would definitely kick the girl to the curb unless she had a big chest and then I would give her a second shot.
2. You focus on his faults.
Yes ladies I mean who cares if he pays you no attention, never really talks to you, is dirty, can be a jerk, acts like your the 5th or 6th thing on his list of priorities, who gives a care- remember your better off with him then being alone. You can't make it alone so just deal with it. And don't listen to when people say there are other men out there because there is another good saying that says all the good ones are taken. I tend to go with the second one. I mean once you are dating a single guy in their 30's there is probably a reason he is still single. See I am only 28 so I got a buttload of time to figure it out, and I mean buttload. But trust me, the day I hit 30 and am still single which is pretty much a lock, there will be plenty of reasons. Tops being that I used buttload twice in this paragraph alone. Grab the next guy you see, get on the internet and talk to as many guys as you can because your time is running out ladies. You don't have time to be reading this, shouldnt you be dating someone right now, I am sure he is a great guy that never says buttload. Oh there it is again. I have two years to cut that out.
3. You’re too available or have drastically changed your routine for him.
Yeah no one likes a too available slut. Or girl whatever you want to call em. Guys want the challenge right? Don't change for him at all, because he will not change for you. There is another saying "people don't change" did I just make that up because I have a book of sayings right here and I don't see it in there but I had to write something because I had already written "there is another saying" and I cannot backspace on this, one of my rules. Anyway werewais I, jeez see if I could only backspace that would have been where was I. I was telling you that people don't change, they don't like you enough really, they just want you to fall for the line I love you enough to change for you, I just made that line up also. You get my point though.
4. You’ve stopped getting glam for your dates…ever.
Eww no one wants to see you looking all gross. I know I don't, when I go out with a girl and am like excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and then I give them the number 2 signal with the fingers really I am going to throw up because of how not hot the girl is. And then I am in the mirror like Chris you to go out there and suck it up for 3 mins tops. Be polite, tell her she looks average and run. Don't look back. Leave the ugly girl with the check.
5. You discuss your relationship too much.
I like hearing on going commentary about the relationship, like you were really good at listening the other night as I went on and on about something stupid. Nowhere throughout the night did I catch you looking at other girls butts like you used to. I saw you wink at the girl but I then noticed you saw me catch you and then you pointed down to the orange as if to say it was a piece of pulp, like pulp can really shoot up into your eye. Either way all in all after I broke it down on the spreadsheet I give you an 8 out of 10, and I loved how you rated me a 6 out of 10 in looks that night, I love your honesty. Your are changing I can tell. Just like I knew you could.
Yeah right!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Me time
Ok so you can tell April has been a busy month, will it get any less busy in the next one- we shall see. Part of me hopes yeah because I like to have me time which I hate when people say that but also if I am busy that means I am probably making money so. As I am working I think of things to write but never get around to it. But for the last week I have been thinking of facebook status things and I will just be sitting their laughing, usually doing a little shimmy as I am listening to my mp3, and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I have put a few of them on facebook so your probably wondering wtf is this guy talking about and I think that is a good thing. I want it to be where most of the people are like what is the deal with this guy, but then a very few people get it and find it funny. I don't really care for just status updates that are not at least interesting but what should I expect from those people right? I never wrote any status updates and now I have like 6 in one week. I wonder what it's like to not be able to come up with really interesting thoughts to entertain yourself. To just be always focused on reality, worried about things, job, kids, money. Yeah there is a time for that but still, I think that is part of the reason I just am always by myself, I just like my own thoughts so much and I don't find many people who compliment my thoughts and actually enhance them. Probably why if I find them I try so hard to hold them close until one day I say F it. It is rare for me, I don't think its so rare for others-unless I just don't enhance anyone else's thoughts- that they don't need my humor or my take in their life. I guess there is not much need for me talking about punching a girl in the stomach because my mouth is full, just to get my point across- I can't wait to finish chewing it had to be in the moment. It is weird to think about that like a connection with someone- not in a dating way just in general. I mean often times we meet someone and were like yeah they are cool but that is the end of it, but how many people do we meet from the hundreds we see everyday there are only a few that come into our lives and have a great impact that just click. I go back and forth on if "everything" happens for a reason because it is hard for me to believe God micromanages that much, I think he just lets us make our decisions and we have to trust in him that we are making the right one. I think I probably make the wrong ones often, most of the time I know it, perfection is a thing I don't even hit 10 min. into the day. I think people hope and pray they make the right decision but most of the time it's wrong but the lucky thing is we get to try again. I mean I have prayed for certain things hard, felt good about what I was going to do and it ended up the wrong decision but how do I know in the end I wasn't still listening to my own head. It's hard but he has made it easy on us because we can always know he will be there, we just have to keep pushing forward. I am not close to where I need to be mentally, I am letting things slip, I want all parts of my life going in the right direction but as I am busy with work its hard to juggle everything. Months ago I was not busy at all and someone I was cool with was saying they were just really busy, had alot going on and I was thinking in my head, what is the big deal. But I totally get it now, and even though I don't think I am expecting much ever, now I see how hard it is even to find time to play guitar for 30 mins or whatever it is. And the pressure can be overwhelming even if you don't mean to ever put that on them. I guess you constantly learn things and are forced to look back at mistakes and either say well that is just me or say, I have to change so that that doesn't happen again, have to change for the better. It cost me something mentally, it did change me, but you can take any situation and get a positive out of it and many times it is just looking at things from their point of view and the rest is on them to see my view. If they don't want to make a change then that is on them, between them and God and their soul. I am very critical of others but extremely critical of myself which I think is the only way to go but it is hard when something doesn't go right according to me and I can't do anything about it. There are some that are totally in tune with God and their own thoughts that as soon as things happen around them they feel the urgency, they challenge themselves, not for others to see, but so they can again be at peace with where they are at. But in my case I make so many dumb mistakes I am always looking uphill. I like the people though that are looking uphill with me.
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