Bitter

I don't know if people think like me but I tend to over think things. Maybe most people are like that. Right now my head, it's like I can't seem to get out what I want, I am thinking about things but what am I trying to say, what am I thinking about right now that I can't get past. I don't know. It's weird how I get these moments and they never sit well with me.

Alright so maybe this is what I am thinking: so I am reading about music, listening to songs, and it hits me, in every part of my life I look for something that is just amazing. That moment where I am just blown away, that I feel like man am I the only one who sees this. With music or movies or words from sermons or great writers it seems to come easy. Me on the other hand I think I worry that I won't leave that mark on people ever. I don't think you ever really know how you touch people, and I keep to myself a lot and try to guard myself off in the real world because I feel the real me should be given to people I really respect and admire. Those few people actually get that reaction from me, the same as a song, or movie, or inspiring words, but on a much bigger scale where I just become overloaded and get caught up. Books or music are always there, they always continue to inspire me, and they never decide they have had enough. That sounds like such a loser thing to say and it probably sheds light on my social skills and a bit of why I am like I am. People continue to amaze me and confuse me and it's sad that I have never known something greater. By greater I don't just mean in a relationship. Don't think you all in something just get that, most relationships you say ehh alright they are fine, but I would not trade for it. I don't want to be in something like that. They have to have something where I am like when I get in a relationship I want something similar to that. I know it has crushed me when I have tried to give and people just push away. I totally get it so I am never mad at the person. Frustrated yeah of course, but I think people have to do what they feel is best for them at the time. I would love to think that they are missing out which I know they are because lets face it they will never meet anyone else like me, but I think I am much more affected by it and the fact that I do try so hard is probably the reason they pull away but they don't get me either. Who cares though right? It is just one of the many struggles people go through and I am no different. Wait I thought I was different, now I am just like you. NOOOOOOO.

So I saw this thing about astrology which I believe in and when I was born, I am on the cusp but it does describe me well:
"Scorpio is the sign of extremes. Scorpio people are often described as powerful yet weak, independent yet clingy, passionate yet cold. Scorpios are often a bundle of walking contradiction, encompassing the best & worst in human nature. The key to your personality is intensity. Magnetic, emotional, capable of exerting tremendous force, your strength is hidden in your depths."

"The complexity of your mind often makes it difficult for you to just skim the surface of anything. Once you want to know something (or someone), you want to know everything about it. Your relationships are usually complicated. This isn't too surprising as you can be simultaneously generous, affectionate, & unpredictable. Even in your sunniest moods, there is always a hint of impending change." "With you, it is either all or nothing at all. Moderation & restraint are not familiar to your vocabulary. "


That seems to be very correct and if I may add my downfall. Haha I seem to be giving too much away about myself. Really though most of those things are very true and summed up what I was trying to say. That I feel like a contradiction and that I would love to inspire the world really but I will take just the ones that inspire me first. Some of those things I don't like in myself. All or nothing has affected me in way to many parts of my life and that really needs to change. I used to think oh well this is me, this is how I am supposed to be, I should not have to change, but that is never the attitude that greatest people in life have, as you read people way smarter then me they say no, just because that is you doesn't mean its correct and I realized that. I was reading the book on the five love languages. I really don't know mine yet, but the point is that in it you see how relationships could fall apart because they are each giving what they want to get in return from their partner. That is the natural for them. But the marriage is falling apart and they don't know why because they feel they are giving. But the author shows them, it's not just about you, not what you want, it's not just what comes natural. It's about doing what the other person wants so if your a good gift giver but don't like spending quality time but she doesn't care about the gifts she just wants the time, well suck it up and spend the quality time, not because its who you are but because you love her. I know I would probably fail because I would be like look you married me you knew I didn't like quality time. Now take this F'ing diamond ring from Kay's and strut your stuff and leave me alone the game is on. Let's hope not though. No trust me I will be real sweet at that point like oh you are physical touch, well let me gently touch your neck and surprise I just physically touched you with my junk- I know your love language, so I know how much you love that. I am sweet.

I apologize for this post this was really long and just kind of boring. I will get you all back with a funny one. You know I am always like I don't want to make it personal yet I always do. I need to stop saying that statement because I look like a numbnut. I know though in person I would not be as open, it's much easier just flowing.

Keeps coming at you

Continued from the other night:
Christina Applegate-"Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one."

Now you tell me Kelly Bundy, I always wait three days, at least, normally I wait like a month to really let it simmer, then I pick up the phone all nervously and this is how it goes:
Me: Hey
Girl: Hey
Me: I can't believe inception is doing so well at the box office, I mean I figured it would do well and
Girl: Excuse me who is this
Me: What oh haha (fake laugh) this is Chris, you can't tell by my voice.
Girl: no sorry, didn't we go out like a month ago
Me: Yeah exactly a month ago, remember
Girl: Yeah I remember, and why are you calling me now
Me: To long of a simmer I guess huh?
Girl: What are you talking about?
Me: Man Kelly Bundy was right, so back to inception (me trying hard to really save this conversation)
Girl: Hey I got things to do, and I am actually seeing someone now so please don't call anymore
Me: Dang it Kelly Bundy, alright I am a gentleman, one last question does your new guy compliment you on your sweet big ham hocks the way I did
Girl: No and I don't appreciate that by the way, it was rude
Me: Girls love bad boys am I right?
Girl: Bye and don't call me again- hard hang up to show she is mad

See that, I just planted the seed, 4 years from now she will say, I wonder what Chris is doing, he was a really weird guy, and that is all I need, just that passing thought of me keeps me going through the hard times.

Melora Hardin "We know men think breasts are like Barstow: just a short stop on the way to Vegas. But sometimes lingering a little longer at the places along the way can make for a more pleasant trip."

WTF is she talking about, Barstow, Vegas? How about this one Melora, my junk is like Texas- don't get it, well now you know how we feel when you refer to your boobs as places. By the way what are the nips then? If you get a girl like this who feels the need to name her places, make sure you say something like I am titty twisting the F out of Barstow right now, or Vegas is getting pounded. Make so many references to the places that she realizes she just made a huge mistake in actually naming them. Make sure you put her down enough that she knows Texas won.

Jennifer Love Hewitt-"We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?"

Don't listen to this slut fellas, she has no idea what she is talking about. This is what I said to my girl about my ex.

Me: Yeah so I was really tearing that slut up when my foot begin to slip and I always wear socks of course and I grabbed onto her boobs to stop me from falling and she was like
Girlfriend: Excuse me, you know how I hate when you call her a slut
Me: Oh sorry so yeah where was I before I was rudely interrupted, oh talking about tearing my ex up and slipping ,as you like to call her.
Girlfriend: How does this relate to my story about going to the mall
Me: Oh right, I was not even paying attention to what you were talking about I was thinking about that old slut, I mean ex of mine.
Girlfriend: What
Me: Ohh jeeez here we go such a drama queen
End Scene

Fellas that is how you do it. Yeah I got dumped that day but who cares, she was boring who wants to talk about the mall. I think we can all agree my conversation was going to be way more interesting and I always say whoever has the more interesting topic gets the floor. If you butt in with something more interesting then you get the floor right then, and I have to stop immediately. She knows the rules and really she was out of line, because she interrupted me when I should have had the floor. Good riddance to that slut. I mean Ex.

Here it is

I wrote this on my fb page that way everyone thinks I am deep.

"I just realized my outrageous expectations that I put on myself and others has blocked or ruined everything I have wanted in my life. Where the F do I go with that? I have pushed myself into a lonely existence. If only I could be more like you."

Haha, it is actually very true though, my expectations keep me from being great. In my head at least. They keep me from dating- no one can live up to my expectations I place on them, and I don't blame them, why should they have to when all people want is just to first have a good time and joke around with me. Not with me though, I need the world, but the crazy thing is I don't think my expectations are that high, everyone else just keeps telling me they are. They keep me from doing things that need to be done in order to be truly happy. God didn't put me on earth with this talent and these thoughts no one thinks of just to sit on a computer and type to four people and make them LOL. Thank you for that though. For awhile I just saw it as me being me, but now I see it as, yes it is me but either way I have to step up my game, not allow the expectations I have ruin what I want in life. But I think what has to happen is my fear of being nothing has to be greater than my fear of not living up to what my expectations are of well basically everything. I believe we are run by fear. I know I am. I am just run by the wrong fear. I believe we pray for something and if it is in God's will he will lay it before you. Now we have the free will 1. we want it bad enough to go get it, or 2. we let it sit there and it passes us by. I think I am doing a lot of 2. I wrote this on my fb page a few weeks ago, I heard a sermon online and the pastor said "It is not what you are, it is what you are willing to become." I was blown away by that. It just hit me: yeah I may be blessed with things in my life, and yes I am grateful for those things, but so what, what am I willing to do to use those blessing to get to where I am meant to be. That is the question for all of us. Am I willing to step out of my box, am I willing to not resort back to the old me and just push people away. Up until now no matter how much I would have loved to say yes, it has always been no, no I am not willing to do those things, and look where it has left me. Not to say I am unhappy, cause as days go by I am always happy and joking, it's just I don't feel like I am fulfilling my purpose in life, that I am wasting away things given to me by God, because I am to scared to change and my insecurities are killing me. I am just rambling big time. But I think I am in a good place. I was listening to a thing about Peter, where he was talking about struggles and how God has put these struggles on him but instead of resenting God for it, he has embraced it because with these struggles, comes a realization that you can't do this alone, and with that you go to God and finally say Help. So struggles are good because it then becomes less about you and more about God. Maybe I am struggling enough that I finally say I can't do this at all.

Man did I just rock a sermon out on you all. You all were here to read about wieners and then you get me talking all kinds of junk. I have tried to separate the blog from my real mind but occasionally things slip in and this is what goes through my mind along with really funny things like you all see. It is trying to keep a balance between where I am headed in life and also what just comes into my head and what I find funny. I know people would be like how can you talk like this and then talk about God but I am very spiritual and am trying to grow daily by immersing myself in it but at the same time, God has given me this humor and I feel the need to use it to write things I find funny. I don't see a problem with it but I am sure people would but lets see what they are hiding and then we shall judge. If the worst I do is bring too much expectations on people and write about trimming my junk I think I am doing alright. Now lets get onto trimming my junk.

Things we dont know about women

And to continue with my last post:

Kathryn Hahn: "The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack."

How about this for appreciation, I keep my nut sack hairy and you shut the F up. It is hot when you are keeping it high and tight, and yes I could use some trimming if only for the size, it's not everyday that something comes along and is able to add about two inches to my 4 inch junk the way a good trim does but on the other hand it seems like too much work. Its like why the F am I trying to polish a turd, in the end it still looks gross. Even worse, because the more you trim back you are like oh there it is not sweet. Oh, was I supposed to trim it up for you so you don't have pubes in your eyes? Sorry. Just side pony them up while you are down there. I don't mind. But I will promise to trim my nose hairs to show a bit of appreciation.

" I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 P.M., he's going to put it in me... Actually, that sounds kind of sexy."

Yeah exactly Kathryn. I like that. 5:00 side pony, 5:01 lube up real good, 5:02 stretch but make sure it is like a real stretch like a butterfly, I even get out the ruler sometimes and do like a butt naked v-sit and reach where she holds the knees down. Sweet I got +6. 5:04 ask if she is ready to put it in. Let her think it over. 5:06 put it in. 5:07 pull it out. 5:08 put it back in. 5:09 yell something like do you like this at all because you don't seem to be enjoying this, I think the tv is distracting you, it's either me or Oprah. 5:10 realize you should never have given that sort of ultimatum. 5:11 finish off by yourself in the bathroom but make sure you yell something like are you regretting your decision now. 5:12 Walk out of the bathroom in a gay robe and look really ashamed. 5:13 Make a pbj, don't ask if she wants one, make sure it is chunky, let her see you eating it. Oh and I forgot-make sure you sit on it first before you eat it put it in the plastic baggy, and then sit on it so it becomes a field trip pbj and then pull it out right in front of her. Say this could have been yours if you let me finish. Hold it right near your junk so she is like "does he mean the sandwich or his junk could have been mine if I let him finish? Get her all confused. She will think about choosing Oprah over your dong next time. Right? "What up Oprah." Get it?

"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it."

WFT Courtney Cox. I did notice you ladies looking at my hands, being grossed out by the dirt and callouses so I figured I would get a french manicure, pedicure, massage and a happy ending. You think I liked any part of that. No way. I hated every minute of it. The lady even asked if I wanted my pubes trimmed "You like pubes short, we trim bush for cheap price" WTF is up with all the ladies pushing for trimmed pubes. So just for you I trimmed them up, I had her put them in a baggy, they are on the kitchen table labeled Chris's pubes. I figured since you wanted me to trim them so bad the least I could is save them for you. I can't believe I let her touch my feet, I hate feet. She did tell me though that I have potential as a female hand model. I wanted to get a job with Kay jewelers to show my support for them because of how much I love their commercials, so maybe this is my chance to get into one of them. Slip my hand in with an engagement ring on it in one of the Valentine's commercials. Man did I miss the mark on this one. I can never figure you girls out. I am going to lift weights and pick up lumber to get my callouses back. Where is my 2x4. HOOOOO. (I was being hacksaw Jim Dugan if you didn't get that joke.)

Sending out

Maybe I should write a book? but really even though I have not written much lately it's not like I don't have really funny thoughts still going on in my head. I just keep them to myself, so selfish. You know when this thing first started I was just writing this to write because I didn't have anyone to write funny or interesting things to. I was all about writing this one person and then I actually went from funny and entertaining to just plain annoying. No wonder I got stopped right? During it I didn't think much of it I thought same old me but afterwards I am like man I was so annoying I pray I don't become that guy again. No one really wants to listen unless it is on their time which is cool. I was at a point in my life where things were where they needed to be I just didn't see it, it took sometime to finally get the point and then I thought well this is to personal, I don't want this to be a journal because I would not really care about reading someone else's journal. So I turned it around and tried to make it more about the weird things I think. I do think it's funny to write about giving love advice considering I may be the last person on earth that could or should give advice. I think though people may read this and be way too sensitive like oh he is crossing the line, haha yeah lets look at what you do during your free time, shall we compare who has crossed the line a bit more. I am pretty sure I will always come out on top so get over yourself and lighten up.

I need a new name for the Dr. Love segment because that is to easy. I will work on something. I wont get to hardly any of these but I will hit up some. But I will have material for awhile. Alright so Esquire has a huge 75 things you don't know about women which we all know is not true about me. I am almost all knowing, except for when I become a douchebag and then I turn like a regular guy except less chest hair. It's almost like backwards clark kent. First I am superman then I go into the telephone booth(yes they still have those) and I become a douchebag Clark Kent. Then I hear something like- don't ever talk to me again- something like that, then I come on here and talk about how sweet I am. Like a life of full circle. Or Circle of life. Or Hakuna Matata. Simba. Monkey who holds simba up on the edge of the cliff. WTF?

1. "When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times."
How about this slut: When I break up with you that means its over, no more wiener on the side. I like to break up with you during the act and knowing how sweet I am, I may actually just walk away right then. I am talking like 8 humps in- "This thing we got going doesn't feel right, literally, so I think we are over." "What you don't want to finish" "Nope when I say were over, I mean it, why do you think I kept my clothes on and went through the zipper hole. No one ever uses that except for me." Now you know ladies if a guy swears on leaving his jeans on during sex, he probably will dump you in the middle of it.

2. "You shouldn't pass up a three-way because you 'love us too much."
Well if you brought in a hotter girl then I wouldn't. You know how selfish you are it's like hey look what I brought home for us, what a dog, thanks but no thanks, I think I will just sit here and watch the game. Remember when you two were fooling around in front of the tv and I just sat there, nothing going on in the pants just focused on the game. You even did like the fake cough noise to get me to look. Hey honey she is elbows deep what do you think. Dang it honey you just made me miss that home run. Take it in the other room please. Jeez

3. "Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private."
Alright so I will give you that. It is gross when we grab our crotches, but let me tell you now, the nuts get all moved around in there, and that is way to important a piece to mess up just so I can run to the bathroom. Trust me I hate grabbing myself and moving things around in front of you. It pains me to sit there like that, but you just don't understand, balls shift, they get sweaty and move all over. Remember those little toys where you grab one end and whoops the toy goes flying out of your hand. Yeah well the balls are not like that but still they move around. Just know next time you see it that I don't enjoy playing with myself in front of you.

4. "When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always."

I like that. No matter if we get turned down. At least you will feel good about yourself. No matter if we set you up for the next guy to come in when you are all flattered up and we are left just saying wtf was I thinking I knew I didn't have a shot. No matter. I will remember that next time I am weighing my options as if to ask you out or not. Hmmmm Well I know I have no shot at all. But on the other hand she will be flattered. You know what I think I am going to go for it. "Hi how are you, you are beautiful by the way. Oh is that a no, I have no shot at all- get out of here. OK I hear you loud and clear." By the way did I flatter you by any chance? "Yes you did." Well then job well done on my part I must say." At least I will sleep well and alone knowing that I hooked you up with some flattery. Your welcome. And I also will sleep well knowing the douchebag that can't hold my nuts (of course he can't they are too slippery) is the guy your actually with. It's a cruel world, but someone's gotta flatter.