Here it is

I wrote this on my fb page that way everyone thinks I am deep.

"I just realized my outrageous expectations that I put on myself and others has blocked or ruined everything I have wanted in my life. Where the F do I go with that? I have pushed myself into a lonely existence. If only I could be more like you."

Haha, it is actually very true though, my expectations keep me from being great. In my head at least. They keep me from dating- no one can live up to my expectations I place on them, and I don't blame them, why should they have to when all people want is just to first have a good time and joke around with me. Not with me though, I need the world, but the crazy thing is I don't think my expectations are that high, everyone else just keeps telling me they are. They keep me from doing things that need to be done in order to be truly happy. God didn't put me on earth with this talent and these thoughts no one thinks of just to sit on a computer and type to four people and make them LOL. Thank you for that though. For awhile I just saw it as me being me, but now I see it as, yes it is me but either way I have to step up my game, not allow the expectations I have ruin what I want in life. But I think what has to happen is my fear of being nothing has to be greater than my fear of not living up to what my expectations are of well basically everything. I believe we are run by fear. I know I am. I am just run by the wrong fear. I believe we pray for something and if it is in God's will he will lay it before you. Now we have the free will 1. we want it bad enough to go get it, or 2. we let it sit there and it passes us by. I think I am doing a lot of 2. I wrote this on my fb page a few weeks ago, I heard a sermon online and the pastor said "It is not what you are, it is what you are willing to become." I was blown away by that. It just hit me: yeah I may be blessed with things in my life, and yes I am grateful for those things, but so what, what am I willing to do to use those blessing to get to where I am meant to be. That is the question for all of us. Am I willing to step out of my box, am I willing to not resort back to the old me and just push people away. Up until now no matter how much I would have loved to say yes, it has always been no, no I am not willing to do those things, and look where it has left me. Not to say I am unhappy, cause as days go by I am always happy and joking, it's just I don't feel like I am fulfilling my purpose in life, that I am wasting away things given to me by God, because I am to scared to change and my insecurities are killing me. I am just rambling big time. But I think I am in a good place. I was listening to a thing about Peter, where he was talking about struggles and how God has put these struggles on him but instead of resenting God for it, he has embraced it because with these struggles, comes a realization that you can't do this alone, and with that you go to God and finally say Help. So struggles are good because it then becomes less about you and more about God. Maybe I am struggling enough that I finally say I can't do this at all.

Man did I just rock a sermon out on you all. You all were here to read about wieners and then you get me talking all kinds of junk. I have tried to separate the blog from my real mind but occasionally things slip in and this is what goes through my mind along with really funny things like you all see. It is trying to keep a balance between where I am headed in life and also what just comes into my head and what I find funny. I know people would be like how can you talk like this and then talk about God but I am very spiritual and am trying to grow daily by immersing myself in it but at the same time, God has given me this humor and I feel the need to use it to write things I find funny. I don't see a problem with it but I am sure people would but lets see what they are hiding and then we shall judge. If the worst I do is bring too much expectations on people and write about trimming my junk I think I am doing alright. Now lets get onto trimming my junk.