Sending out

Maybe I should write a book? but really even though I have not written much lately it's not like I don't have really funny thoughts still going on in my head. I just keep them to myself, so selfish. You know when this thing first started I was just writing this to write because I didn't have anyone to write funny or interesting things to. I was all about writing this one person and then I actually went from funny and entertaining to just plain annoying. No wonder I got stopped right? During it I didn't think much of it I thought same old me but afterwards I am like man I was so annoying I pray I don't become that guy again. No one really wants to listen unless it is on their time which is cool. I was at a point in my life where things were where they needed to be I just didn't see it, it took sometime to finally get the point and then I thought well this is to personal, I don't want this to be a journal because I would not really care about reading someone else's journal. So I turned it around and tried to make it more about the weird things I think. I do think it's funny to write about giving love advice considering I may be the last person on earth that could or should give advice. I think though people may read this and be way too sensitive like oh he is crossing the line, haha yeah lets look at what you do during your free time, shall we compare who has crossed the line a bit more. I am pretty sure I will always come out on top so get over yourself and lighten up.

I need a new name for the Dr. Love segment because that is to easy. I will work on something. I wont get to hardly any of these but I will hit up some. But I will have material for awhile. Alright so Esquire has a huge 75 things you don't know about women which we all know is not true about me. I am almost all knowing, except for when I become a douchebag and then I turn like a regular guy except less chest hair. It's almost like backwards clark kent. First I am superman then I go into the telephone booth(yes they still have those) and I become a douchebag Clark Kent. Then I hear something like- don't ever talk to me again- something like that, then I come on here and talk about how sweet I am. Like a life of full circle. Or Circle of life. Or Hakuna Matata. Simba. Monkey who holds simba up on the edge of the cliff. WTF?

1. "When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times."
How about this slut: When I break up with you that means its over, no more wiener on the side. I like to break up with you during the act and knowing how sweet I am, I may actually just walk away right then. I am talking like 8 humps in- "This thing we got going doesn't feel right, literally, so I think we are over." "What you don't want to finish" "Nope when I say were over, I mean it, why do you think I kept my clothes on and went through the zipper hole. No one ever uses that except for me." Now you know ladies if a guy swears on leaving his jeans on during sex, he probably will dump you in the middle of it.

2. "You shouldn't pass up a three-way because you 'love us too much."
Well if you brought in a hotter girl then I wouldn't. You know how selfish you are it's like hey look what I brought home for us, what a dog, thanks but no thanks, I think I will just sit here and watch the game. Remember when you two were fooling around in front of the tv and I just sat there, nothing going on in the pants just focused on the game. You even did like the fake cough noise to get me to look. Hey honey she is elbows deep what do you think. Dang it honey you just made me miss that home run. Take it in the other room please. Jeez

3. "Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private."
Alright so I will give you that. It is gross when we grab our crotches, but let me tell you now, the nuts get all moved around in there, and that is way to important a piece to mess up just so I can run to the bathroom. Trust me I hate grabbing myself and moving things around in front of you. It pains me to sit there like that, but you just don't understand, balls shift, they get sweaty and move all over. Remember those little toys where you grab one end and whoops the toy goes flying out of your hand. Yeah well the balls are not like that but still they move around. Just know next time you see it that I don't enjoy playing with myself in front of you.

4. "When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always."

I like that. No matter if we get turned down. At least you will feel good about yourself. No matter if we set you up for the next guy to come in when you are all flattered up and we are left just saying wtf was I thinking I knew I didn't have a shot. No matter. I will remember that next time I am weighing my options as if to ask you out or not. Hmmmm Well I know I have no shot at all. But on the other hand she will be flattered. You know what I think I am going to go for it. "Hi how are you, you are beautiful by the way. Oh is that a no, I have no shot at all- get out of here. OK I hear you loud and clear." By the way did I flatter you by any chance? "Yes you did." Well then job well done on my part I must say." At least I will sleep well and alone knowing that I hooked you up with some flattery. Your welcome. And I also will sleep well knowing the douchebag that can't hold my nuts (of course he can't they are too slippery) is the guy your actually with. It's a cruel world, but someone's gotta flatter.