Things we dont know about women

And to continue with my last post:

Kathryn Hahn: "The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack."

How about this for appreciation, I keep my nut sack hairy and you shut the F up. It is hot when you are keeping it high and tight, and yes I could use some trimming if only for the size, it's not everyday that something comes along and is able to add about two inches to my 4 inch junk the way a good trim does but on the other hand it seems like too much work. Its like why the F am I trying to polish a turd, in the end it still looks gross. Even worse, because the more you trim back you are like oh there it is not sweet. Oh, was I supposed to trim it up for you so you don't have pubes in your eyes? Sorry. Just side pony them up while you are down there. I don't mind. But I will promise to trim my nose hairs to show a bit of appreciation.

" I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 P.M., he's going to put it in me... Actually, that sounds kind of sexy."

Yeah exactly Kathryn. I like that. 5:00 side pony, 5:01 lube up real good, 5:02 stretch but make sure it is like a real stretch like a butterfly, I even get out the ruler sometimes and do like a butt naked v-sit and reach where she holds the knees down. Sweet I got +6. 5:04 ask if she is ready to put it in. Let her think it over. 5:06 put it in. 5:07 pull it out. 5:08 put it back in. 5:09 yell something like do you like this at all because you don't seem to be enjoying this, I think the tv is distracting you, it's either me or Oprah. 5:10 realize you should never have given that sort of ultimatum. 5:11 finish off by yourself in the bathroom but make sure you yell something like are you regretting your decision now. 5:12 Walk out of the bathroom in a gay robe and look really ashamed. 5:13 Make a pbj, don't ask if she wants one, make sure it is chunky, let her see you eating it. Oh and I forgot-make sure you sit on it first before you eat it put it in the plastic baggy, and then sit on it so it becomes a field trip pbj and then pull it out right in front of her. Say this could have been yours if you let me finish. Hold it right near your junk so she is like "does he mean the sandwich or his junk could have been mine if I let him finish? Get her all confused. She will think about choosing Oprah over your dong next time. Right? "What up Oprah." Get it?

"We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it."

WFT Courtney Cox. I did notice you ladies looking at my hands, being grossed out by the dirt and callouses so I figured I would get a french manicure, pedicure, massage and a happy ending. You think I liked any part of that. No way. I hated every minute of it. The lady even asked if I wanted my pubes trimmed "You like pubes short, we trim bush for cheap price" WTF is up with all the ladies pushing for trimmed pubes. So just for you I trimmed them up, I had her put them in a baggy, they are on the kitchen table labeled Chris's pubes. I figured since you wanted me to trim them so bad the least I could is save them for you. I can't believe I let her touch my feet, I hate feet. She did tell me though that I have potential as a female hand model. I wanted to get a job with Kay jewelers to show my support for them because of how much I love their commercials, so maybe this is my chance to get into one of them. Slip my hand in with an engagement ring on it in one of the Valentine's commercials. Man did I miss the mark on this one. I can never figure you girls out. I am going to lift weights and pick up lumber to get my callouses back. Where is my 2x4. HOOOOO. (I was being hacksaw Jim Dugan if you didn't get that joke.)