Bitter

I don't know if people think like me but I tend to over think things. Maybe most people are like that. Right now my head, it's like I can't seem to get out what I want, I am thinking about things but what am I trying to say, what am I thinking about right now that I can't get past. I don't know. It's weird how I get these moments and they never sit well with me.

Alright so maybe this is what I am thinking: so I am reading about music, listening to songs, and it hits me, in every part of my life I look for something that is just amazing. That moment where I am just blown away, that I feel like man am I the only one who sees this. With music or movies or words from sermons or great writers it seems to come easy. Me on the other hand I think I worry that I won't leave that mark on people ever. I don't think you ever really know how you touch people, and I keep to myself a lot and try to guard myself off in the real world because I feel the real me should be given to people I really respect and admire. Those few people actually get that reaction from me, the same as a song, or movie, or inspiring words, but on a much bigger scale where I just become overloaded and get caught up. Books or music are always there, they always continue to inspire me, and they never decide they have had enough. That sounds like such a loser thing to say and it probably sheds light on my social skills and a bit of why I am like I am. People continue to amaze me and confuse me and it's sad that I have never known something greater. By greater I don't just mean in a relationship. Don't think you all in something just get that, most relationships you say ehh alright they are fine, but I would not trade for it. I don't want to be in something like that. They have to have something where I am like when I get in a relationship I want something similar to that. I know it has crushed me when I have tried to give and people just push away. I totally get it so I am never mad at the person. Frustrated yeah of course, but I think people have to do what they feel is best for them at the time. I would love to think that they are missing out which I know they are because lets face it they will never meet anyone else like me, but I think I am much more affected by it and the fact that I do try so hard is probably the reason they pull away but they don't get me either. Who cares though right? It is just one of the many struggles people go through and I am no different. Wait I thought I was different, now I am just like you. NOOOOOOO.

So I saw this thing about astrology which I believe in and when I was born, I am on the cusp but it does describe me well:
"Scorpio is the sign of extremes. Scorpio people are often described as powerful yet weak, independent yet clingy, passionate yet cold. Scorpios are often a bundle of walking contradiction, encompassing the best & worst in human nature. The key to your personality is intensity. Magnetic, emotional, capable of exerting tremendous force, your strength is hidden in your depths."

"The complexity of your mind often makes it difficult for you to just skim the surface of anything. Once you want to know something (or someone), you want to know everything about it. Your relationships are usually complicated. This isn't too surprising as you can be simultaneously generous, affectionate, & unpredictable. Even in your sunniest moods, there is always a hint of impending change." "With you, it is either all or nothing at all. Moderation & restraint are not familiar to your vocabulary. "


That seems to be very correct and if I may add my downfall. Haha I seem to be giving too much away about myself. Really though most of those things are very true and summed up what I was trying to say. That I feel like a contradiction and that I would love to inspire the world really but I will take just the ones that inspire me first. Some of those things I don't like in myself. All or nothing has affected me in way to many parts of my life and that really needs to change. I used to think oh well this is me, this is how I am supposed to be, I should not have to change, but that is never the attitude that greatest people in life have, as you read people way smarter then me they say no, just because that is you doesn't mean its correct and I realized that. I was reading the book on the five love languages. I really don't know mine yet, but the point is that in it you see how relationships could fall apart because they are each giving what they want to get in return from their partner. That is the natural for them. But the marriage is falling apart and they don't know why because they feel they are giving. But the author shows them, it's not just about you, not what you want, it's not just what comes natural. It's about doing what the other person wants so if your a good gift giver but don't like spending quality time but she doesn't care about the gifts she just wants the time, well suck it up and spend the quality time, not because its who you are but because you love her. I know I would probably fail because I would be like look you married me you knew I didn't like quality time. Now take this F'ing diamond ring from Kay's and strut your stuff and leave me alone the game is on. Let's hope not though. No trust me I will be real sweet at that point like oh you are physical touch, well let me gently touch your neck and surprise I just physically touched you with my junk- I know your love language, so I know how much you love that. I am sweet.

I apologize for this post this was really long and just kind of boring. I will get you all back with a funny one. You know I am always like I don't want to make it personal yet I always do. I need to stop saying that statement because I look like a numbnut. I know though in person I would not be as open, it's much easier just flowing.