Dr. Love is baaaaaack. Is that name sticking yet because I will continue to say it until it does. This one is on 10 reasons why guys aren't approaching girls.
Pretty simple I think, not alot of jokes on this one.
1. Your surrounded by lots of friends
Well here we go, most likely there is one hot one, one girl who thinks she is hotter then she really is, one average one who is kind of quiet, a loud girl who is probably pretty annoying, and one ugly girl where you are like how the F did she get with that group. Which one do you choose. I just the ugly one, why two fold, it is your best chance to actually have a girl interested in you and it makes the other girls jealous. All I am about is you getting in the game so if that means you have to date a couple of ugly girls for a few years until it finally hits the hot girl that you are worth a shot then that is what you need to do. I am on like my eighth ugly girl right now just to show girls that I don't care about looks. I am like hey hot girl look at me with old uglies over here, would a jerk be dating this old hag, don't think so. It will work in the end, I can see she is coming around.
2. She is too hot
Yeah stay away from the real hot girls, most of the time they are not hot enough to deal with their huge ego, usually the room is only big enough for two things and your not one of them. Move on to the next one.
3. She is getting to tipsy
What the F? That means approach the F out of her. Remember no morals in my training. This is your shot to slip in there. Now if you feel bad about banging a girl that is passed out well first off grow a pair and second off do this, lay her in the bed, take her clothes off and take yours off and then fake sleep until she wakes up, even do the fake snore like real loud and then like do a big stretch when you fake wake up she will by it and be like hey whats up, did we??? just like in the movies right? then play like real awkward and play like you were real drunk also and you will be fine. That is your in right there. Fake drunk, fake banging, your in. Nothing better then fake.
4. Looking sloppy
Oh nothing better then finding a girl who just looks like butt and then making her over. You want something with a good foundation, it's like finding a house that is a fixer upper. You need to find something that will work in the end. You don't want to get a girl who is say a 2 and then make her up, spend all that time and she is an 5. You want 3 to an 9. Look at that investment. So really start looking for something dumpy and don't let her ever get confidence because she will leave you if she ever thinks she is an 9. Just say things like hey it would be so sweet if you were hot but your just like one of us I love hanging with you. That kind of thing.
5.Downer Demeanor
Yeah they are right here there is nothing worse then a debbie downer.
6.She is with another guy in any capacity
True, if you see a girl with another guy, he better be gay, and if you can spot the kind of guy she is with to see where you fit in. If he is a douche just walk away. You can probably slap her in the face, I like to carry a white glove with me and when I see a hot girl with a douchebag I put the glove on and then like in the movies I take it off finger by finger and then slap her in the face with it. Just to show my disappointment, I think a glove face smack is universal. Just move on to the next girl if she is with that guy. You never want a shot because he is probably hung, he is probably orange, he probably spends alot of time getting ready, all the things you are not. That is the kind of guy you are like wtf is that girl thinking but she is stuck. Once you go douchebag you never go back. Sorry fellas.
7.She has a ring
50% of marriages end in divorce which means most of those girls with a ring on their finger are not happy. So just wait it out if you can, if she is worth it, she will be through with that guy soon enough, trust me count all your friends now, half of them will not be together in 7 years. I love those odds.
8.She seems busy
Well she probably is, but just like the divorce you got to wait it out. She will come to her senses, maybe even get married twice but you got plenty of time, she will see one day, maybe go get a tan, so much so that you are a bit like a carrot, then maybe she won't be so busy huh? Do you own a shirt two sizes two small, go buy one and rock that hard don't look insecure in it own it and swell up in that freakin black mini. Look you have to do what you have to do to win this girl, and if it means looking like a douchebag then that is what you have to do, I am only here to get you in the game so this outfit I am asking you to wear is just part of that. Suit up young fella.
9.She is literally tough to catch
Your not trying hard enough numbnuts. You just feel stupid about this outfit I got you in. Don't, look around the room, look at all the guys with the girls, you look like one of them now. Act like your one of them. Always look at yourself in the mirror not because your embarrassed but because you love yourself so much you can't help it, she will see you on her way to the bathroom and be like I love that shirt, is that glitter on it. Your like yeah I bedazzled it the other day. Boom your in.
10. She is a wall flower
This is where you spot the fixer upper. It will be dark if you are at a club that is why I like to do my dirty work during the day time. You never know what you will find at the gym. I like to first just look chest level. That way I can knock out all the smalls. Nope to small, yeah right a cup, that sorta thing, then I go up to the face- hmm pony and glasses but good face I can do something with that, even though I am grossed out right now looking at her I see potential. Lets make sure she doesn't have alot of confidence and she is not the ugly one in the group. See they will look out for her you want a girl with just like one cool friend who doesn't think your in it for yourself. She thinks you are hanging with this girl because you like her. Hahaha yeah like I would do that, I am here for the future investment. So pay attention to the wall flowers because that may be where it's at.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
10 things he is thinking on the first date
Dr. Love is in the house. I need to be playing guitar, drinking some soda and going to be, but instead I will hit you all up because I know you are waiting. So lets get to it. Glamour has taken a bunch of idiot guys and asked them what they are thinking before the first date. So I am going to take each guy and what they had to say and give him some advice. Lets hope he lands the girl of his dreams like I helped that fat funny guy I was telling you about in the last post. Here we go:
1. Gerald 29 "I tell myself, Don’t embarrass yourself and ask a lot of questions.” Questions are good, I am full of them like "do you mind if I stare at this other girls butt as she walks by." See what I did there was ask a question-engage her so that she is part of the conversation, and also be nice, polite about it, don't get mad if she says no just roll your eyes to make her feel bad. Plus you basically know at that point she is a prude and your not going to hit that night so you may want to leave now.
2.Dan 20 "Is she the type of girl who will think it’s cheesy/over-the-top if I open the car door, or will she think I’m a true gentleman?” She will think your cheesy I am sure-these girls always talk about being independent so I just sit in the car and wait for her to open it for me. Most of the time they don't but the good ones will If she doesn't wait a few seconds and then drive away while she thinks about what she has done wrong. Text her later and apologize and make up an excuse. She will want you back I am sure of it. Also never open the door to the place your going, allow her, let her feel like she is actually doing something on the date not just looking hot. Girls these days want to feel valued so let them. Let her order also for you. "I will take the steak" And for you sir? Stare at her until she orders for you. "He would like nuggets and ranch oh no nuggets, then tenders."
3. Michael, 25, Hoppington, Mass."What the hell is she doing with me?!” I have no idea Michael, probably just bored and didn't want to sit home alone. No way she is actually interested- I learned that the hard way.
4. Mark, 27, St. Louis, Mo. "Uh-oh, she’s a lactose-intolerant vegetarian. What am I going to feed this girl?” WTF Mark what do you really expect to get out of this girl. She is more trouble then she is worth unless she is really hot then you stick around but if she is just average run now.
5. “If things go well, when is the next time I should call her?” —Rob, 27, New York City. Don't call her Rob let her call you. She will if she liked you enough, if not she will have already kicked you to the curb and on to the next guy. Your probably thinking things went really well, she is quite the opposite, saying how do I turn this guy down nicely. I will wait a few days then tell him I have been thinking this over for the last few days and we are just better off as friends, good luck with that Rob. Your gonna get a call either way don't worry.
6.“I worry that I’ll make a joke about something, start laughing, and then she will not.” —Jim, 24, North Attleboro, Mass. All girls love a guy with a great sense of humor. Normally it is on the top of the list which is probably why I have had so much success. I am good with the zings so I never have had to worry about if the girl does not laugh, I only worry if she laughs to hard and embarrasses me with her loud laugh. Try having that problem Jim, being to funny that no girl wants to be with you because their stomachs hurt from laughing too hard that they are in pain by the end of the date and they actually have to say we can't do this anymore because you are too funny. Think about that Jim before you start complaining about not being funny at all. Walk a mile in my shoes if you can make it without killing yourself from laughing to hard.
7.“Before a first date, I am usually thinking about topics to keep the conversation going and reminding myself of manners.” —Chris, 22, Wayne, N.J. Yeah I always think it is a good idea to right them on your body. Just have topics all over like favorite color, how do you like the weather so far, if you were an animal what would you be? That sort of thing. I even write one on my junk in case I get lucky that way I have something to talk about while we are hitting it. Yeah so hold on oh yeah do you like that and also if you could have one superpower what would you have? What do you mean shut up I am ruining this, that is it I am out of here. Oh and one more thing hold on let me find it(looks at upper thigh)" What is your favorite rollar coaster?" Rebel Yell- backwards or forwards(winging it right now like a true pro) ok ok I'm leaving jeez.
8. “If I take her to a scary movie, will she grab onto my arm?” —Corey, 29, Salt Lake City, Utah Maybe, but normally I do the classic move where I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket and just slip my junk through it that way when she gets nervous she grabs a hold of that. Surprise!! You will feel like an idiot though bringing in your own popcorn bucket like oh no I already have a bucket I just want the popcorn please. What do you mean you already have your own bucket and what is with the duct tape on the bottom, don't worry about it kid just load it up with freaking butter would ya your killing my date right now. It's worth it though.
9. " Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up.” —Paul, 22, Brooklyn, N.Y. Your gonna screw it up Paul sorry to tell you. Don't worry there are tons more dates your going to screw up in your lifetime your still young.
10."Am I going to get lucky?” —Paddy, 27, Ireland You got to be kidding me with that name, no your not going to get lucky. Even though girls do love a douche with an accent so maybe if you really play the Irish part up and wear like all green and say top of the morning to you, stupid girls will eat that up but then you can never not be the Irish idiot so be careful with that.
That is all guys, I hope you take my advice because it is there to be used, not laughed at. I know what I am talking about which I think should go without saying but I just say it to remind you all that I am Dr. Love. I didn't give myself that name that would be stupid someone else gave it to me and it just stuck now everyone calls me that except my friends and family.
1. Gerald 29 "I tell myself, Don’t embarrass yourself and ask a lot of questions.” Questions are good, I am full of them like "do you mind if I stare at this other girls butt as she walks by." See what I did there was ask a question-engage her so that she is part of the conversation, and also be nice, polite about it, don't get mad if she says no just roll your eyes to make her feel bad. Plus you basically know at that point she is a prude and your not going to hit that night so you may want to leave now.
2.Dan 20 "Is she the type of girl who will think it’s cheesy/over-the-top if I open the car door, or will she think I’m a true gentleman?” She will think your cheesy I am sure-these girls always talk about being independent so I just sit in the car and wait for her to open it for me. Most of the time they don't but the good ones will If she doesn't wait a few seconds and then drive away while she thinks about what she has done wrong. Text her later and apologize and make up an excuse. She will want you back I am sure of it. Also never open the door to the place your going, allow her, let her feel like she is actually doing something on the date not just looking hot. Girls these days want to feel valued so let them. Let her order also for you. "I will take the steak" And for you sir? Stare at her until she orders for you. "He would like nuggets and ranch oh no nuggets, then tenders."
3. Michael, 25, Hoppington, Mass."What the hell is she doing with me?!” I have no idea Michael, probably just bored and didn't want to sit home alone. No way she is actually interested- I learned that the hard way.
4. Mark, 27, St. Louis, Mo. "Uh-oh, she’s a lactose-intolerant vegetarian. What am I going to feed this girl?” WTF Mark what do you really expect to get out of this girl. She is more trouble then she is worth unless she is really hot then you stick around but if she is just average run now.
5. “If things go well, when is the next time I should call her?” —Rob, 27, New York City. Don't call her Rob let her call you. She will if she liked you enough, if not she will have already kicked you to the curb and on to the next guy. Your probably thinking things went really well, she is quite the opposite, saying how do I turn this guy down nicely. I will wait a few days then tell him I have been thinking this over for the last few days and we are just better off as friends, good luck with that Rob. Your gonna get a call either way don't worry.
6.“I worry that I’ll make a joke about something, start laughing, and then she will not.” —Jim, 24, North Attleboro, Mass. All girls love a guy with a great sense of humor. Normally it is on the top of the list which is probably why I have had so much success. I am good with the zings so I never have had to worry about if the girl does not laugh, I only worry if she laughs to hard and embarrasses me with her loud laugh. Try having that problem Jim, being to funny that no girl wants to be with you because their stomachs hurt from laughing too hard that they are in pain by the end of the date and they actually have to say we can't do this anymore because you are too funny. Think about that Jim before you start complaining about not being funny at all. Walk a mile in my shoes if you can make it without killing yourself from laughing to hard.
7.“Before a first date, I am usually thinking about topics to keep the conversation going and reminding myself of manners.” —Chris, 22, Wayne, N.J. Yeah I always think it is a good idea to right them on your body. Just have topics all over like favorite color, how do you like the weather so far, if you were an animal what would you be? That sort of thing. I even write one on my junk in case I get lucky that way I have something to talk about while we are hitting it. Yeah so hold on oh yeah do you like that and also if you could have one superpower what would you have? What do you mean shut up I am ruining this, that is it I am out of here. Oh and one more thing hold on let me find it(looks at upper thigh)" What is your favorite rollar coaster?" Rebel Yell- backwards or forwards(winging it right now like a true pro) ok ok I'm leaving jeez.
8. “If I take her to a scary movie, will she grab onto my arm?” —Corey, 29, Salt Lake City, Utah Maybe, but normally I do the classic move where I cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket and just slip my junk through it that way when she gets nervous she grabs a hold of that. Surprise!! You will feel like an idiot though bringing in your own popcorn bucket like oh no I already have a bucket I just want the popcorn please. What do you mean you already have your own bucket and what is with the duct tape on the bottom, don't worry about it kid just load it up with freaking butter would ya your killing my date right now. It's worth it though.
9. " Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up. Don’t screw up.” —Paul, 22, Brooklyn, N.Y. Your gonna screw it up Paul sorry to tell you. Don't worry there are tons more dates your going to screw up in your lifetime your still young.
10."Am I going to get lucky?” —Paddy, 27, Ireland You got to be kidding me with that name, no your not going to get lucky. Even though girls do love a douche with an accent so maybe if you really play the Irish part up and wear like all green and say top of the morning to you, stupid girls will eat that up but then you can never not be the Irish idiot so be careful with that.
That is all guys, I hope you take my advice because it is there to be used, not laughed at. I know what I am talking about which I think should go without saying but I just say it to remind you all that I am Dr. Love. I didn't give myself that name that would be stupid someone else gave it to me and it just stuck now everyone calls me that except my friends and family.
New Direction
So I was thinking today... I should just leave it at that. But I won't because I know you all would not be able to sleep tonight. Did you see my facebook status. I just turned into a douche right before every one's eyes. As soon as I wrote about what I actually was doing that day I could feel I turned douche in my stomach, everything changed from that point on I was like Scott Howard( Michael J Fox) in teen wolf except he turned cooler once he became the wolf it was almost like backwards for me like I have been the wolf and then I turned into the normal loser. Now boof wants everything to do with me because I am a loser and the hot girl wants nothing to do with me. That's weird. What a chain of events I just set off in my life. I can't even dunk now. All because I insisted on right about picking up a turd which was a lie because I wanted to say dropped but didn't know how people would feel about it so I went with picked up actually I didn't I just said it because I mention that about picking up the turd the other day.
I was thinking today how good I am at giving dating advice and how freakin sweet my dating advice post are. So maybe from now on since I am trying to be more focused I will just be like Dr. Love on here and just give dating advice. I am full of it. You know its like I could just give helpless romantics waiting to be hooked up advice and not even date and I would be happy because I know those losers would be better off. They just need a push in the right direction. I just help get guys in the game that is all, give them a shot because that is all most of these guys need, I tell the guys and this is the lines I am famous for around dating circles, this is my money maker right here: "She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom."
There it is I just laid it on you all for free. Confidence boost you know for the goof. I open her eyes for him. Let her see what the f she needs to see. So he gets a shot actually, which sounds crazy. Then the girl realizes what was I thinking with those other douchebags where has this loveable loser been all my life(surprise)!!! And then at the same time my love life is not existent and like I go on a date and become allergic to something and my face gets really fat, and then I also kick the love of my life in the face on a jet ski, and then she gets real mad at me because I am like a love doctor. She wants nothing to do with me and she is like I can't do this you need to back off because your Dr. Love. And I am like fine- the same time the fat guy I am helping is losing the love of his life and he is falling apart. His heart is breaking into like 5 pieces I think. He is like "You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you." or something like that. So I decide to give the girl a call and she was hating but she realized that big loser was the one for her and I had nothing to do with it, just opened her eyes. Job well done right?
But then I still have the issue of my own junk going on so I realize I can't go on without her, I don't know what my life will be like, if it will turn out, but I have to take the chance so I find her and I say "That's what people do.They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, (girls name right here), falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." Yep Yep I know right and you want to know what happens then. She still said nope I can't do it I am with this douchebag and your a loser. Nice try buddy. So Dr. Love fails again but like I said I don't need that as long as I can make others happy. I know my purpose in life now is to just help these schlubs find true love. How can I fight what I was put here to do? I can't. I won't. I have to put my own happiness aside and fulfill my destiny which is why I am saying my posts for now will be dating advice. You will learn alot and it will be free because why should I charge something so great.
You know they should make a movie out of this.
So I will put a post up tonight I think it will be on 10 things he is thinking before his first date. Glamour article- I will break it down because they don't know anything, I do.
Dr. Love
I was thinking today how good I am at giving dating advice and how freakin sweet my dating advice post are. So maybe from now on since I am trying to be more focused I will just be like Dr. Love on here and just give dating advice. I am full of it. You know its like I could just give helpless romantics waiting to be hooked up advice and not even date and I would be happy because I know those losers would be better off. They just need a push in the right direction. I just help get guys in the game that is all, give them a shot because that is all most of these guys need, I tell the guys and this is the lines I am famous for around dating circles, this is my money maker right here: "She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else is she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom."
There it is I just laid it on you all for free. Confidence boost you know for the goof. I open her eyes for him. Let her see what the f she needs to see. So he gets a shot actually, which sounds crazy. Then the girl realizes what was I thinking with those other douchebags where has this loveable loser been all my life(surprise)!!! And then at the same time my love life is not existent and like I go on a date and become allergic to something and my face gets really fat, and then I also kick the love of my life in the face on a jet ski, and then she gets real mad at me because I am like a love doctor. She wants nothing to do with me and she is like I can't do this you need to back off because your Dr. Love. And I am like fine- the same time the fat guy I am helping is losing the love of his life and he is falling apart. His heart is breaking into like 5 pieces I think. He is like "You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you." or something like that. So I decide to give the girl a call and she was hating but she realized that big loser was the one for her and I had nothing to do with it, just opened her eyes. Job well done right?
But then I still have the issue of my own junk going on so I realize I can't go on without her, I don't know what my life will be like, if it will turn out, but I have to take the chance so I find her and I say "That's what people do.They leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise you just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down, why in the *hell* did I jump? But here I am, (girls name right here), falling, and the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you." Yep Yep I know right and you want to know what happens then. She still said nope I can't do it I am with this douchebag and your a loser. Nice try buddy. So Dr. Love fails again but like I said I don't need that as long as I can make others happy. I know my purpose in life now is to just help these schlubs find true love. How can I fight what I was put here to do? I can't. I won't. I have to put my own happiness aside and fulfill my destiny which is why I am saying my posts for now will be dating advice. You will learn alot and it will be free because why should I charge something so great.
You know they should make a movie out of this.
So I will put a post up tonight I think it will be on 10 things he is thinking before his first date. Glamour article- I will break it down because they don't know anything, I do.
Dr. Love
Monday, May 3, 2010
6 ways
Man no wonder I have no first date success. Wait for it.....
I sit across from the girl during the date. I actually told someone to not sit side by side on a date and now from shine(yahoo) where I always get all my topics, well not all who am I kidding, just trying to be modest because many of the topics come straight from my head to your hearts. But this one says 6 ways to guarantee a successful first date and number one is don't sit directly across from him.
1. Don’t sit directly across from him. Perhaps there’s a reason that the word “date” conjures up those classic images of a guy and girl sitting side-by-side, sharing a chocolate malt. When you sit directly across from your date, it gives off a confrontational vibe. “It elicits a fight-or-flight response and creates stress,” says Janine Driver, author of the bestselling You Say More Than You Think “If you can’t sit side-by-side, then push your chair to one side of the table as you sit down.” Driver suggests aiming to sit about 30% off-center; so if you’re sitting opposite him, you’d both be able to stretch your legs out without hitting each other.
What the F, why did no one tell me this- maybe someone did but I would not listen- it is still hard to believe because whenever I see it I am like that does not look like it's going to work. I was wrong this whole time. On all of my four first dates I always sat across from the girl, and of course I never got a second. Now I know why.
2. Keep your hands where he can see them. You’re not some wilting flower, you’re a secure modern woman. Show your confidence by relaxing your hands and placing them on the table. Says Driver: “Keeping your hands in your lap is too passive. You want to go into a date with confidence, which also helps the guy feel confident, so you’re really doing him a favor.”
Again no one told me this because I always try to play with myself under the table during the date without them knowing. Now if someone would have told me that that was creepy and not correct on the first date I would not have done it. I was just practicing looking confident and moving my mouth like I was talking to the girl sitting 30% off center. It still needs work but I have years to get it right.
3. Smile, for real. There’s nothing worse than a disingenuous smile, and people pick up on it very easily. “In a real smile your eyes are involved,” says Greg Hartley, author of Date Decoder. In less flattering terms, when you smile sincerely your crow’s feet come out. But your willingness to go there – being open and relaxed enough to let loose – can go a long way toward making him feel comfortable (and it may help you feel less anxious, too). So even if you’re feeling a little nervous, don’t be afraid to flash a few big let-it-all-hang-out smiles.
I always look for crows feet. I hate eye contact but I love crows feet so it works out for me. But I always fake a smile. I always tell them that my friends call me chompers and that she could call me that if she wants to, like the guy in something about mary, so then I am always having like a real forced smile on my face so they think I really am called chompers. Basically the whole night is spent tyring to get her to call me chompers, if she does I pick up the bill, if not I do the thing where I hit my pockets and even my pocket on my shirt like I am looking for my wallet and then say "this is so embarrassing but I think I forgot my wallet." Then I hit my pockets a few more times until she says shes got it and then I force a huge smile showing my teeth. She has no idea the game I am playing. I have yet to get a girl to call me it but who cares because I never pay on the date. I win either way.
Here they say are signals it is going well
1. He’s touching you. Generally speaking, a guy shows his interest in you with constant touches. According to Driver, when things are going well, you’re likely to see as many as five instances of touching in the first 15 minutes of your date. So keep a mental scorecard, one point for each "touch": He hugged you when you met up, one point. He put his hand on your back as you walked through the door, two total points. He touched your arm when he asked you what you wanted to drink, three total points. He touched your leg as he was telling you about his day, four total points, etc. Obviously, this isn’t an exact science, so don’t freak out if you only get to three or four points. But if you’re on a date with a guy and he hasn’t touched you at all, that’s probably a bad sign (unless, of course, he’s super-shy).
I never touch- I am a freaking gentleman. I have a mental scorecard though of how many lame jokes she says, I will fake laugh up to five jokes and then after that the date is done. The laugh gets more and more extreme as well so that by number five she is thinking is this dude fake laughing at my jokes. By the way I am. And your right I haven't touched you at all, that is a bad sign.
2. He seems a little nervous. It’s actually a good thing when a guy is a little anxious the first time he takes you out. “It shows he has something invested, as opposed to seeing the date as just another outing,” says Hartley. “A little nervous energy is essential.” After all, the last thing you want is some Rico Suave-type professional dater who’s only thinking, “I got this one in the bag!”
Of course I am nervous, I always am nervous. My voice starts cracking like peter Brady and I get a nervous smile going. Don't get that confused with the fake smile because the nervous one is more of a creepy looking smile. Both are creepy don't get me wrong its just the nervous one is creepier. I like hold the water glass with two hands and even though I hate spills I end up spilling at least half my cup of water. Which makes me hate myself for at least two mins, I am like don't talk to me for two mins until I can calm down. So we sit there in awkward silence which I love. I constantly apologize until she is like enough already what is your deal and get your hands on the table because I think you might be playing with yourself. And I am like oh this old thing down here, it helps me calm down I am not doing it for pleasure at all. I am just nervous, which is a good thing right, and then I start going to town even harder. And I am like now its for pleasure-boom date is over I ruined it again. I don't get it is it me or them. I just have not met the right girl yet.
3. . He’s looking at your lips. As the night goes on, if you catch him looking at your lips that's also a good sign. “When a man looks at your lips, it’s sexual. It shows he wants to kiss you,” says Driver. If you’re not sure whether he’s feeling it or not, when you catch him glancing at your lips you’ll know that he is.
While the signals that someone throws off can be telling, don’t get so wrapped up in trying to read his body language that you lose track of the overall vibe of the date. The signs mentioned above are a good barometer, but they don’t always tell the whole story. “Women are naturally intuitive,” says Hartley. “Reading body language is about putting into words what you already recognize.” At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you have a good time and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Without any doubt, that’s the surest sign of a successful first date.
Yeah that is one of the things I am looking at. Most of all its crows feet. But if you do have hot lips then I will be staring. I have been wearing some gay chap stick lip balm but it smells really good, so I would probably be licking my lips but only because I like the flavor of my junk and you would be like oh this dude is into me. Wrong I am into myself. That doesn't sound right but sorry it's the way it goes.
I can't believe you are supposed to sit next to each other. Fine next date that girl is sitting right next to me. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea. We are starting off on the right foot and that way she will be able to see wear my hands are going and she can say stop it as soon as she hears the zipper. If I only knew, I would have been killing the first dates. They need to come out with second date advice now since I am a pro at the first date junk.
I sit across from the girl during the date. I actually told someone to not sit side by side on a date and now from shine(yahoo) where I always get all my topics, well not all who am I kidding, just trying to be modest because many of the topics come straight from my head to your hearts. But this one says 6 ways to guarantee a successful first date and number one is don't sit directly across from him.
1. Don’t sit directly across from him. Perhaps there’s a reason that the word “date” conjures up those classic images of a guy and girl sitting side-by-side, sharing a chocolate malt. When you sit directly across from your date, it gives off a confrontational vibe. “It elicits a fight-or-flight response and creates stress,” says Janine Driver, author of the bestselling You Say More Than You Think “If you can’t sit side-by-side, then push your chair to one side of the table as you sit down.” Driver suggests aiming to sit about 30% off-center; so if you’re sitting opposite him, you’d both be able to stretch your legs out without hitting each other.
What the F, why did no one tell me this- maybe someone did but I would not listen- it is still hard to believe because whenever I see it I am like that does not look like it's going to work. I was wrong this whole time. On all of my four first dates I always sat across from the girl, and of course I never got a second. Now I know why.
2. Keep your hands where he can see them. You’re not some wilting flower, you’re a secure modern woman. Show your confidence by relaxing your hands and placing them on the table. Says Driver: “Keeping your hands in your lap is too passive. You want to go into a date with confidence, which also helps the guy feel confident, so you’re really doing him a favor.”
Again no one told me this because I always try to play with myself under the table during the date without them knowing. Now if someone would have told me that that was creepy and not correct on the first date I would not have done it. I was just practicing looking confident and moving my mouth like I was talking to the girl sitting 30% off center. It still needs work but I have years to get it right.
3. Smile, for real. There’s nothing worse than a disingenuous smile, and people pick up on it very easily. “In a real smile your eyes are involved,” says Greg Hartley, author of Date Decoder. In less flattering terms, when you smile sincerely your crow’s feet come out. But your willingness to go there – being open and relaxed enough to let loose – can go a long way toward making him feel comfortable (and it may help you feel less anxious, too). So even if you’re feeling a little nervous, don’t be afraid to flash a few big let-it-all-hang-out smiles.
I always look for crows feet. I hate eye contact but I love crows feet so it works out for me. But I always fake a smile. I always tell them that my friends call me chompers and that she could call me that if she wants to, like the guy in something about mary, so then I am always having like a real forced smile on my face so they think I really am called chompers. Basically the whole night is spent tyring to get her to call me chompers, if she does I pick up the bill, if not I do the thing where I hit my pockets and even my pocket on my shirt like I am looking for my wallet and then say "this is so embarrassing but I think I forgot my wallet." Then I hit my pockets a few more times until she says shes got it and then I force a huge smile showing my teeth. She has no idea the game I am playing. I have yet to get a girl to call me it but who cares because I never pay on the date. I win either way.
Here they say are signals it is going well
1. He’s touching you. Generally speaking, a guy shows his interest in you with constant touches. According to Driver, when things are going well, you’re likely to see as many as five instances of touching in the first 15 minutes of your date. So keep a mental scorecard, one point for each "touch": He hugged you when you met up, one point. He put his hand on your back as you walked through the door, two total points. He touched your arm when he asked you what you wanted to drink, three total points. He touched your leg as he was telling you about his day, four total points, etc. Obviously, this isn’t an exact science, so don’t freak out if you only get to three or four points. But if you’re on a date with a guy and he hasn’t touched you at all, that’s probably a bad sign (unless, of course, he’s super-shy).
I never touch- I am a freaking gentleman. I have a mental scorecard though of how many lame jokes she says, I will fake laugh up to five jokes and then after that the date is done. The laugh gets more and more extreme as well so that by number five she is thinking is this dude fake laughing at my jokes. By the way I am. And your right I haven't touched you at all, that is a bad sign.
2. He seems a little nervous. It’s actually a good thing when a guy is a little anxious the first time he takes you out. “It shows he has something invested, as opposed to seeing the date as just another outing,” says Hartley. “A little nervous energy is essential.” After all, the last thing you want is some Rico Suave-type professional dater who’s only thinking, “I got this one in the bag!”
Of course I am nervous, I always am nervous. My voice starts cracking like peter Brady and I get a nervous smile going. Don't get that confused with the fake smile because the nervous one is more of a creepy looking smile. Both are creepy don't get me wrong its just the nervous one is creepier. I like hold the water glass with two hands and even though I hate spills I end up spilling at least half my cup of water. Which makes me hate myself for at least two mins, I am like don't talk to me for two mins until I can calm down. So we sit there in awkward silence which I love. I constantly apologize until she is like enough already what is your deal and get your hands on the table because I think you might be playing with yourself. And I am like oh this old thing down here, it helps me calm down I am not doing it for pleasure at all. I am just nervous, which is a good thing right, and then I start going to town even harder. And I am like now its for pleasure-boom date is over I ruined it again. I don't get it is it me or them. I just have not met the right girl yet.
3. . He’s looking at your lips. As the night goes on, if you catch him looking at your lips that's also a good sign. “When a man looks at your lips, it’s sexual. It shows he wants to kiss you,” says Driver. If you’re not sure whether he’s feeling it or not, when you catch him glancing at your lips you’ll know that he is.
While the signals that someone throws off can be telling, don’t get so wrapped up in trying to read his body language that you lose track of the overall vibe of the date. The signs mentioned above are a good barometer, but they don’t always tell the whole story. “Women are naturally intuitive,” says Hartley. “Reading body language is about putting into words what you already recognize.” At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you have a good time and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Without any doubt, that’s the surest sign of a successful first date.
Yeah that is one of the things I am looking at. Most of all its crows feet. But if you do have hot lips then I will be staring. I have been wearing some gay chap stick lip balm but it smells really good, so I would probably be licking my lips but only because I like the flavor of my junk and you would be like oh this dude is into me. Wrong I am into myself. That doesn't sound right but sorry it's the way it goes.
I can't believe you are supposed to sit next to each other. Fine next date that girl is sitting right next to me. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea. We are starting off on the right foot and that way she will be able to see wear my hands are going and she can say stop it as soon as she hears the zipper. If I only knew, I would have been killing the first dates. They need to come out with second date advice now since I am a pro at the first date junk.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Blah Blah Blah
Why can't at least one person put something clever on their facebook status updates. Blah Blah Blah that is all I am seeing. I know mine are out there and I just put one because I was loving what I had written last night so much I had to share it with the world. Obviously since I have no followers on here which is really embarrassing but i keep on keeping on I guess. Thanks readers for never leaving me any feedback- I do this all for you by the way. Right? The right reason. But back to my original point, wait back to my second point before I was interrupted by my back to the first point comment-rudely I might add- which point was I on wtf? oh talking about my status update- well you may see it on facebook and you will not laugh because it is not original to you, I have to recycle my jokes because like I have said before I am saving them for someone special. I have them written down in a book, jeez even this is not original the whole writing my jokes down in a book, nothing I say now is original I used the kay commercial joke months ago, but I think I was killing with that then, which is why I went right back to it. I don't think it worked as well because no one is laughing. Just me. I can't believe I used up all my good material. Hold up I am looking through fb now let me see how many status updates of my 75 friends or whatever- and of those friends how many of those people actually talk to me. Haha yeah exactly like 7, I have some telling me we can't be friends yet I am still a friend on fb so I guess in that world I am not harmless, just in real life. So I just looked and every ones page is horrible. What is the point. I used to have a bad page, wait I just looked at mine it is still awful with no pictures and jokes that it seems only I get and laugh at. I am the same in real life no picture and jokes only a few people get. Lets hope everyone else is a bit better. Doubt it. No lets hope for truth and integrity and inspiration or just something clever- something like that. Right? Haha ok. I wish I could put a thumbs down on peoples status updates and no one take it personal but they would because they are to sensitive but that way they would think about it before they leave something that was so plain like "going to the mall" or "picking up dogs turds" wait no one even writes that its worse then that, so bad I am like why the f am I on here, I guess just waiting for a diamond in the rough or something like that. I only go on there every once in awhile now more then the last few weeks but I always leave disappointed- you all are a huge disappointments let me tell you that. Now I am going to go to sleep but I am bitter at each and everyone of you. Every Kiss Begins With Kay.
Get it Floyd
So you all are not surprised. If you don't want me to ruin the outcome then you are stupid because you already know what the outcome was going to be. Anyway I figured since it's over I would hit this up before I go to bed. I know your thinking wtf? Two in one day but your wrong. It's already 12 so it's the next day numbnuts. But I did come up with my own list of 5 things that you might be doing to sabotage your relationship. See what I can get done with a bit of free time. I am like hitch, I can't date for myself but I sure can tell you what is working with yours, not only that I can even give you a list of what you may be doing wrong. And then actually name it 5 things you may be doing... such a clever title I know.
Wtf I just looked on yahoo and someone already had the exact same title and the same list as I spent all day doing. Now this day is a waste. Well why I am at it I may as well critique their list. Oh and I also went to borders and they didn't have the book I wanted WTF?
1. You’re frequently disappointed by your partner’s gifts or gestures.
I don't see anything wrong with this. I mean this is one of the five love languages (I know I sound like a love guru) they have to make an effort. The book says to write things down, they will give you hints, or just don't be an idiot and ask questions without it being that obvious. There is no reason that you should be a bad gift giver, that is just a lack of effort. Plus if worst comes to worst just put your junk in a box and say surprise. I would always make sure not to date them on a birthday anyway. That way I never have to deal with it, and then say man we should really try it again. She never has a clue. I don't even like to say happy birthday to anyone, no way I am going to give a gift unless I am giving a loves embrace. Basically I have bought a buttload of those just waiting to hand them out to the lucky ones. Can't go wrong with loves embrace. Did I read you the poem I came up with. For another time I guess. But if you are a bad gift giver she has all the right to kick you to the curb cause I would definitely kick the girl to the curb unless she had a big chest and then I would give her a second shot.
2. You focus on his faults.
Yes ladies I mean who cares if he pays you no attention, never really talks to you, is dirty, can be a jerk, acts like your the 5th or 6th thing on his list of priorities, who gives a care- remember your better off with him then being alone. You can't make it alone so just deal with it. And don't listen to when people say there are other men out there because there is another good saying that says all the good ones are taken. I tend to go with the second one. I mean once you are dating a single guy in their 30's there is probably a reason he is still single. See I am only 28 so I got a buttload of time to figure it out, and I mean buttload. But trust me, the day I hit 30 and am still single which is pretty much a lock, there will be plenty of reasons. Tops being that I used buttload twice in this paragraph alone. Grab the next guy you see, get on the internet and talk to as many guys as you can because your time is running out ladies. You don't have time to be reading this, shouldnt you be dating someone right now, I am sure he is a great guy that never says buttload. Oh there it is again. I have two years to cut that out.
3. You’re too available or have drastically changed your routine for him.
Yeah no one likes a too available slut. Or girl whatever you want to call em. Guys want the challenge right? Don't change for him at all, because he will not change for you. There is another saying "people don't change" did I just make that up because I have a book of sayings right here and I don't see it in there but I had to write something because I had already written "there is another saying" and I cannot backspace on this, one of my rules. Anyway werewais I, jeez see if I could only backspace that would have been where was I. I was telling you that people don't change, they don't like you enough really, they just want you to fall for the line I love you enough to change for you, I just made that line up also. You get my point though.
4. You’ve stopped getting glam for your dates…ever.
Eww no one wants to see you looking all gross. I know I don't, when I go out with a girl and am like excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and then I give them the number 2 signal with the fingers really I am going to throw up because of how not hot the girl is. And then I am in the mirror like Chris you to go out there and suck it up for 3 mins tops. Be polite, tell her she looks average and run. Don't look back. Leave the ugly girl with the check.
5. You discuss your relationship too much.
I like hearing on going commentary about the relationship, like you were really good at listening the other night as I went on and on about something stupid. Nowhere throughout the night did I catch you looking at other girls butts like you used to. I saw you wink at the girl but I then noticed you saw me catch you and then you pointed down to the orange as if to say it was a piece of pulp, like pulp can really shoot up into your eye. Either way all in all after I broke it down on the spreadsheet I give you an 8 out of 10, and I loved how you rated me a 6 out of 10 in looks that night, I love your honesty. Your are changing I can tell. Just like I knew you could.
Yeah right!
Wtf I just looked on yahoo and someone already had the exact same title and the same list as I spent all day doing. Now this day is a waste. Well why I am at it I may as well critique their list. Oh and I also went to borders and they didn't have the book I wanted WTF?
1. You’re frequently disappointed by your partner’s gifts or gestures.
I don't see anything wrong with this. I mean this is one of the five love languages (I know I sound like a love guru) they have to make an effort. The book says to write things down, they will give you hints, or just don't be an idiot and ask questions without it being that obvious. There is no reason that you should be a bad gift giver, that is just a lack of effort. Plus if worst comes to worst just put your junk in a box and say surprise. I would always make sure not to date them on a birthday anyway. That way I never have to deal with it, and then say man we should really try it again. She never has a clue. I don't even like to say happy birthday to anyone, no way I am going to give a gift unless I am giving a loves embrace. Basically I have bought a buttload of those just waiting to hand them out to the lucky ones. Can't go wrong with loves embrace. Did I read you the poem I came up with. For another time I guess. But if you are a bad gift giver she has all the right to kick you to the curb cause I would definitely kick the girl to the curb unless she had a big chest and then I would give her a second shot.
2. You focus on his faults.
Yes ladies I mean who cares if he pays you no attention, never really talks to you, is dirty, can be a jerk, acts like your the 5th or 6th thing on his list of priorities, who gives a care- remember your better off with him then being alone. You can't make it alone so just deal with it. And don't listen to when people say there are other men out there because there is another good saying that says all the good ones are taken. I tend to go with the second one. I mean once you are dating a single guy in their 30's there is probably a reason he is still single. See I am only 28 so I got a buttload of time to figure it out, and I mean buttload. But trust me, the day I hit 30 and am still single which is pretty much a lock, there will be plenty of reasons. Tops being that I used buttload twice in this paragraph alone. Grab the next guy you see, get on the internet and talk to as many guys as you can because your time is running out ladies. You don't have time to be reading this, shouldnt you be dating someone right now, I am sure he is a great guy that never says buttload. Oh there it is again. I have two years to cut that out.
3. You’re too available or have drastically changed your routine for him.
Yeah no one likes a too available slut. Or girl whatever you want to call em. Guys want the challenge right? Don't change for him at all, because he will not change for you. There is another saying "people don't change" did I just make that up because I have a book of sayings right here and I don't see it in there but I had to write something because I had already written "there is another saying" and I cannot backspace on this, one of my rules. Anyway werewais I, jeez see if I could only backspace that would have been where was I. I was telling you that people don't change, they don't like you enough really, they just want you to fall for the line I love you enough to change for you, I just made that line up also. You get my point though.
4. You’ve stopped getting glam for your dates…ever.
Eww no one wants to see you looking all gross. I know I don't, when I go out with a girl and am like excuse me I have to go to the bathroom and then I give them the number 2 signal with the fingers really I am going to throw up because of how not hot the girl is. And then I am in the mirror like Chris you to go out there and suck it up for 3 mins tops. Be polite, tell her she looks average and run. Don't look back. Leave the ugly girl with the check.
5. You discuss your relationship too much.
I like hearing on going commentary about the relationship, like you were really good at listening the other night as I went on and on about something stupid. Nowhere throughout the night did I catch you looking at other girls butts like you used to. I saw you wink at the girl but I then noticed you saw me catch you and then you pointed down to the orange as if to say it was a piece of pulp, like pulp can really shoot up into your eye. Either way all in all after I broke it down on the spreadsheet I give you an 8 out of 10, and I loved how you rated me a 6 out of 10 in looks that night, I love your honesty. Your are changing I can tell. Just like I knew you could.
Yeah right!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Me time
Ok so you can tell April has been a busy month, will it get any less busy in the next one- we shall see. Part of me hopes yeah because I like to have me time which I hate when people say that but also if I am busy that means I am probably making money so. As I am working I think of things to write but never get around to it. But for the last week I have been thinking of facebook status things and I will just be sitting their laughing, usually doing a little shimmy as I am listening to my mp3, and coming up with ridiculous thoughts. I have put a few of them on facebook so your probably wondering wtf is this guy talking about and I think that is a good thing. I want it to be where most of the people are like what is the deal with this guy, but then a very few people get it and find it funny. I don't really care for just status updates that are not at least interesting but what should I expect from those people right? I never wrote any status updates and now I have like 6 in one week. I wonder what it's like to not be able to come up with really interesting thoughts to entertain yourself. To just be always focused on reality, worried about things, job, kids, money. Yeah there is a time for that but still, I think that is part of the reason I just am always by myself, I just like my own thoughts so much and I don't find many people who compliment my thoughts and actually enhance them. Probably why if I find them I try so hard to hold them close until one day I say F it. It is rare for me, I don't think its so rare for others-unless I just don't enhance anyone else's thoughts- that they don't need my humor or my take in their life. I guess there is not much need for me talking about punching a girl in the stomach because my mouth is full, just to get my point across- I can't wait to finish chewing it had to be in the moment. It is weird to think about that like a connection with someone- not in a dating way just in general. I mean often times we meet someone and were like yeah they are cool but that is the end of it, but how many people do we meet from the hundreds we see everyday there are only a few that come into our lives and have a great impact that just click. I go back and forth on if "everything" happens for a reason because it is hard for me to believe God micromanages that much, I think he just lets us make our decisions and we have to trust in him that we are making the right one. I think I probably make the wrong ones often, most of the time I know it, perfection is a thing I don't even hit 10 min. into the day. I think people hope and pray they make the right decision but most of the time it's wrong but the lucky thing is we get to try again. I mean I have prayed for certain things hard, felt good about what I was going to do and it ended up the wrong decision but how do I know in the end I wasn't still listening to my own head. It's hard but he has made it easy on us because we can always know he will be there, we just have to keep pushing forward. I am not close to where I need to be mentally, I am letting things slip, I want all parts of my life going in the right direction but as I am busy with work its hard to juggle everything. Months ago I was not busy at all and someone I was cool with was saying they were just really busy, had alot going on and I was thinking in my head, what is the big deal. But I totally get it now, and even though I don't think I am expecting much ever, now I see how hard it is even to find time to play guitar for 30 mins or whatever it is. And the pressure can be overwhelming even if you don't mean to ever put that on them. I guess you constantly learn things and are forced to look back at mistakes and either say well that is just me or say, I have to change so that that doesn't happen again, have to change for the better. It cost me something mentally, it did change me, but you can take any situation and get a positive out of it and many times it is just looking at things from their point of view and the rest is on them to see my view. If they don't want to make a change then that is on them, between them and God and their soul. I am very critical of others but extremely critical of myself which I think is the only way to go but it is hard when something doesn't go right according to me and I can't do anything about it. There are some that are totally in tune with God and their own thoughts that as soon as things happen around them they feel the urgency, they challenge themselves, not for others to see, but so they can again be at peace with where they are at. But in my case I make so many dumb mistakes I am always looking uphill. I like the people though that are looking uphill with me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)