Not me

Ohhh man you got some huge balls to be reading my blog. WTF? Are you kidding me. Yeah I am talking to you. You know that. I am talking stepbrother balls where he is actually playing the drums with his balls. I guess those aren't big balls just really saggy so what I should say is man you got some saggy balls to be coming on here and read my blog. If you only knew right? They are just not me. According to you they don't have to be, you don't expect much. You let them off easy. And if you think I am talking about you, then maybe you want to check the ego at the door, or the title I should say.

Now that I got that junk out of my system. I know I said that I wasn't gonna make this blog personal and I didn't really say much, that was just between me and you (WTF?) But let me get onto my dating advice, actually this is about 4 dating mistakes every guy makes on the first date. Yes even I have made them but hey I have learned from them and you should learn from me as I break down the mistakes that this numbnut says all guys make to help you get in the game.
1. To many text
Man I am way over the top with texting, not really in general but I can be overboard but trust me you should not. No matter how clever your text are, and your text will not be as clever as mine, so just don't try it. Text this "meet me at Chili's, 8:00, wear something hot, high heels with socks, so I don't see your gross feet, I will be looking average at best in warm up pants and white T, come with topics to talk about and bring some cash in case I am short on money I have $10. Don't be late. If your 3 mins late I leave. Look forward to seeing you, you better be looking hot."

That is it, that is all the text you need. I tried to kill the text and it didn't work. Why talk when you are just wasting your time, you just need one text that says all you want to say. Maybe two if you don't have enough characters. Don't overdo it this guy is right. To many text will kill the date before it even gets started.

2. Checking his manners at the door

Well he started off good but he quickly went downhill. No girl wants a gentleman nowadays. They want a bad boy so not only do you not open the door for them you actually race her to the door and then quickly close it behind you as to say get your own door. They love that junk. Never tell a girl she is really pretty make sure to just say she looks hot or man I want to do you. Make sure you say things she has heard a ton of times, and sound exasperated when you say it like your just saying it because you have to. Don't be creative in compliments and if you don't really have to say them don't. I hate girls who fish for them like so how do I look, well I would have told you I had a boner if I thought you looked hot now wouldn't I. I hate the word beautiful or breath taking or stunning, just talk like you would when you talk to one of your guy friends, girls don't need to hear all that other junk. It gives them an ego and that is the worst. You always want to keep them guessing, the last thing you want to do is let it out that you may want another date. That gives her all the control and your just along for her ride. Play the game buddy. Don't let her ever know what you are really thinking. That is the real mistake guys make.

3. Too much too quick

Whatever- tell her everything from when was the last time you did it to what is your favorite time of day to drop a duke. Girls love to talk so don't let them. Show them who is in control. Girls love a guy who listens to them, who remembers the little things. Well don't allow that to take place. Keep talking and make sure whatever she says you have a story for even if it is made up so it is all about you. She won't know if it is made up or not as long as you can lie your butt off. Don't laugh when you say it either. Any little hint of a lie and it is over. Here try this "Yeah so I can do 180 push ups in a row how many can you do?" Then as she says something like probably 10 make a face like your not impressed. Even though you can only do 30 she doesn't have to know. What I like to do is right in the restaurant, break out some push ups and really crank them out because she will want you to stop after ten but the speed will get her thinking that you probably could do 180. Yep second date right then. Also probably moist in the panties as well. If you think she won't do it, go ahead and ask her to sit on your back as you do it. Risky but worth it if she says no. It is all about really impressing the girl on the first date with someone she has never seen before. You have to be memorable. You have to get that second date.

4. Talking too much about sex

Haha ok is this guy joking. He must be because normally the first thing I do is ask the girl if she can pick up my fork and surprise my junks is hanging out right through the zipper that hardly anyone uses. Well I do and I use it to perfection. I usually wink at the girl right after that to let her know what she is in store for tonight. I use the classic line do you have any penis noir(zing) which I think girls just love that. I kill footsie even though I hate feet. I really don't want her kicking my balls all around but I go at it on her until she gives me the cut it out look. This is even before the bread gets their. That is when I really lay it on thick, as the waiter is standing with us, I am like "so you said you do want to go in the bathroom and do it, oh haha sorry didn't see you there, I will take the nuggets off the kids meal and she will order for herself. Also the dessert(as I am pointing down to my junk and then to her) is coming later so don't ask us if we want anything unless you want to actually right down wiener on the check(awkward silence-love it). You will totally score with my advice because you are subtly bringing up sex without being obvious. Don't lay it on so heavy that she is turned off because that won't work, you have to read the signals.

So there are the four dating mistakes I am sure you have made on the first date and you go home wondering WTF? did I do wrong. Well you won't be going home saying that anymore, you will go home saying man her body is not all that hot. I expected better. That is what you want to be saying after your first date. Thanks to me you will. Just do what I say.