Blowout

I am usually pretty private about what is on my mind except to a few people and even with those few people, mostly my family I still like to keep a part of me just in my head. Well I think writing some of my thoughts down will help me because, I don't know its like if I get it out there, maybe I won't feel like my thoughts are wasted. Who am I kidding though, I write as if someone is actually reading this, when I know its just me, but I at least can fake like I am talking to someone. I am not going to share much of me, mostly the surface things but at least putting something out there will be better then nothing right? Maybe. And occasionally I will say something to show I do actually have something going on inside of my head other then sports and music. Now I got you hooked in.

Today I was at borders, reading, when a man comes up and hands me this little card that says "I am a deaf person and am selling these deaf alphabet cards for my living until I can obtain suitable employment. Donate what you can. Thank You. God Bless You." So I reached in my pocket, which I want to give him money but I have no clue how much to give, so I reach in and grab a bunch of ones, I usually don't care how much I give within reason so I give him like 5 bucks but I am fumbling around with it and actually pushed back in a couple of other ones. I know he is like "why doesn't he give me those, what are a few ones to this guy, when I am out killing it trying to get a few bucks just to survive." And I agree with him, he probably signed that on the way out I assume. I should have given him more, I have been blessed to not worry about money really, yet I still cling to a few bucks. That makes me upset that I would do that. Yeah I gave him money but its not all I could do as far as something simple. People may say "oh your being hard on yourself" but don't we have to in order to push ourselves to change. Giving some money comes easy to me, easier then it does to some, but change in ourselves isn't going to come from just doing what it takes to feel good about ourselves. I also hate that my ego is in the way of all of this. That I do feel good after I give, but I don't think I can change without it. I think that comes with giving, but I wish I were truly blessed with just giving so freely and really not caring what I got in return. I didn't get anything tangible in return but I did get a boost of pride and a feeling of "yeah I help out how sweet am I, better then those who didn't."

The last few weeks have been up and down for me, but I think I have grown a lot. I have learned how self indulgent I really am. I hate that trait in other people and when I see it done to the people close to me I am like why can't they put you first and do the things you need and want? Why does it have to be all about them? Haha but I don't practice what I preach and look at me now. Actually don't look at me cause I hate eye contact. I feel misunderstood and have for the most part always felt that way. I constantly try to explain myself and what is going through my head and it only ends up getting me into more trouble. I guess most people may be misunderstood but I don't hang around long enough to listen or I never get the chance I guess to find out. Its always "Chris, your to much. I'm out" Haha it's funny it's such a pattern, there must be something I'm not getting. Haha. But they never understand that I don't care so much if I am liked or disliked, that is why I feel at peace after everything is over. I am so black and white I think I would rather be told "I don't ever want to talk to you again" then to not know what to think because then I can just move along with out actually wondering anymore. I hate the guys that your like that guy is so desperate for a girl look at him, but I think because of my intensity maybe I come off that way when really I am the opposite. I am intense for understanding not intense for companionship or a relationship. Not knowing drives me to ultimately find out good or bad where I am at in all of this and I continue to push it to that point. I know where it will lead but it doesn't really matter and the fact that I am fine with knowing, even when it is usually negative, that is where the real disconnect is. It is funny I try to always ask God for guidance, he tells me loud and clear what I need to do, (sometimes he is loud other times, I am like you need to be louder cause my ego is making a lot of noise) He says here is the opportunity, now do what you want with it and I choose to do what "I" want, no thanks God I appreciate your advice, I know I asked for it and all but once again I don't really think I need it. That has to happen a couple of times a month to me, probably a couple times a day actually, which I am sure it does to everyone but one of these days I may actually listen to him. Will see. I never can really blame others as much as I would like to. I have realized though because of my intensity no matter how much I think I am backing off, its not enough, intensity is not something you can just lower a little bit and then say look I came this far now what are you going to do for me. No its something that has to be taken down until the other person is truly comfortable with it. Again with the self indulgence, I give a little now what are you gonna give me.

It's hard to measure how far we really need to go and what are the things that need to be worked on but if you have honest people in your life and continue to pray for change and actually make some steps it will happen. I think people always take the easy way, me included. I think they are comfortable with saying they need to change, not actually looking back and seeing the things that have haunted them for years are still there, still loud as ever knocking at the door waiting to get over yourself and finally change. Maybe that's just me. Having the people in their lives that they are hoping can somehow help them make the changes they need to make. They take the easy way with the person they are with, well because its easy but can you blame them. They are comfortable with someone who is easy, someone who "they" think they should be with, that pushes them a tiny bit but doesn't expect to much because then that would be asking to much from them. But how often do you see a couple that really grows together, haha not often. And anything less then that I can't or wont be a part of, so if it means being alone and hoping I can find the strength to change on my own, then that is what has to be, because I don't want to be part of a couple that doesn't inspire greatness in each other, even if we never come close to it. I will leave that up to all the rest of you, because you all seem to be doing a good enough job at complacency.