Doubt

Mark 11:24: Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

As much as I believe that scripture from the bible, I still doubt. I think it is normal and something I have to work through, just another step I think, but that is where I am at right now. As I get closer to God on a daily basis now, realizing how to pray and just becoming better, I ask for so much but I still continue to have doubts about what is going to get done. I see now how lost I was for awhile, and still am in some ways. My priorities were everything else first then God. It was like "oh I will get around to prayer, he knows what I am thinking." Haha yeah he does, he also knows that I was too lazy to get around to it really, and that my spirituality was taking a back seat to life. I hope that doesn't happen again, I need it to be God- top priority, then everything else.

At a bible study recently, as I had been reading some different books and of course I question everything because I am curious and love to ask questions and my mind always wanders. My pastor knows this and knows where I am coming from and tells me it is good to look for these answer, but anyway I was like I know that reading the bible is important but if prayer is our daily way of speaking to and with God, why should we just not read the bible as a history lesson, what should we get out it really because the person next to me will have completely different problems then I do, so how can the bible answer them all individually. Now I know the bible is important but my point was should we focus more on prayer then the bible? What he said to me didn't really hit me right then but it has sunk in ever since. He said that when you pray, you ask for understanding and knowledge, and that your in thinking is in line with God. He will speak to you but also you have not only God but also the devil and your own thoughts going on in your head. Before you make a decision, after you have prayed about it, whatever thought you get, go to the bible and make sure the decision you have is in line with what the bible says.

Now I don't ever do that because I trust my own judgement but why should I trust my own self so much. Yeah I have made a lot of great choices in my life but I have made just as many bad ones also. Trusting in God and trying to only hear his voice is so difficult but I think the more you do it the easier it gets. The easier it gets to not hear what you want to hear and hear what God wants you to hear. In the past 5-6 months I have been hearing only what I want to hear, doing what I think is best and I am embarrassed of the way I acted. I regret some things but at the same time I have to learn from each of them.

The most recent for instance, I was talking online and texting with a girl just as friends but it got to the point where I was so over the top and just typical me -pushy, overbearing, obsessive (I sound like a stalker but I wasn't that bad, just bad enough for my mom to say chris I get you but to everyone else you come off as a pain and too pushy so stop- haha) not pushing her to like me just I dont know just being annoying, haha either way she actually had to say we could not be friends at that point. Her situation had changed, she started talking to another guy which is really cool and I wanted her to be happy and I think everyone needs someone in their life that makes them happy, that was never my issue I just didn't know how to be a friend and just enjoy the friendship she could offer me at that moment however little it was at that point it should have been fine but no. If I wasn't acting the way I was it would not have ever come to her having to say that and it should not have to come to that ever. I don't know if she handled it as best as she should but I pushed her in a corner where she didnt have much of a choice so I don't fault her for that at all. I really didn't expect anything from her but at the same time I enjoyed her so much and don't really know how to be friends, ask my so called friends, so I was doubting myself in the situation. If I would have just relaxed and let the situation unfold naturally instead of forcing what I wanted and needed because of insecurities then I would still have a person I respect in my life that I can talk to. But at the same time it has got me here thinking about it so at least that is good because I am turning a real negative into a positive. The bible speaks about how hard times are good for us because we go to him in those times. I see that now, so as much as I hate the hard times, I like where it has me going and realize I don't want to step backwards to where I was. But another thing, my sister just told me she talked to a girl I used to date awhile ago, they are now way better friends then me and her of course, well she emailed me a few months ago, we did the small talk thing and I thought it was over so I stopped it. Then my sister hung with her the other day and she said she was upset with me because I just stopped talking to her for no reason and was being mean. She even told her husband I was hating. Come On. Haha see told you not a good friend- but I didn't mean anything by it I just thought we were done talking. Now you see my two extremes- one person has to tell me to stop talking to her, the other gets mad that I don't talk. All or nothing once again.

I am very hard on myself, and am a control freak, so the hardest thing for me is to give up control. That is why that verse just kills me, because it is saying not only do you have to believe but you have to give yourself to him. He is not going to just give you something but allow you to still be in control. The believe that God can do anything is easy, the believe that I can let go, not doubt, and that everything will turn out better then I can imagine is a wall I can't seem to climb. But in my reflection I realize my biggest fault(o.k. fine one of my biggest) and it's on me to just trust in him.

On a site I read this: "Submitting to God is loving God, getting as close to him as you can, and drawing strength and comfort and direction from him. God’s directions are seldom that clear, although when the situation demands that degree of clarity, he will give it. Mostly, God leads by such things as vague feelings. That can be frustrating, but it’s our opportunity to let faith rise, trusting God to guide with whatever degree of clarity divine wisdom knows is best, while we play our part by drawing close and listening intently. God and I seem to have an on-going argument. ‘Speak louder!’ I keep telling God. And I think he keeps replying, ‘Listen harder!’ "
Haha that is me, but I see that everyone has to go through this step. I am no different.

I'm gonna leave you with this quote by Jane Adams that sums me up right now moving forward with things I want to do in my life:
"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we often might win, by fearing to attempt."