The Gift

So in honor of Valentine's Day, which is just such a sweet holiday, I decided to read about it on the glamour website. And the best article was what your man's gift means to you. Now I am sure these are stupid women writing these articles, not men, so I doubt they have a clue what they are talking about. So I am going to tell you what I think each gift means and then I will let you in on what these numbnut women writers think men mean.

Gifts for you:
Perfume-
My opinion: Most likely he doesn't like what you are wearing right now. He wants you to wear something he likes the smell of. He has probably told you he likes what you are wearing but "yeah why don't you go ahead and try this for something different." Basically he thinks you smell.
Glamour: I'd like you to be my girlfriend.
My opinion- can't a guy just not like the perfume his girl wears and want to buy something he likes. I mean he has to smell it all the time also, shouldn't he want to like it as well. Why does it have to mean I want you to be my girlfriend. Not I want you to actually smell good because right now you don't I am just to nice to tell you.
Lingerie-
My opinion: He just wants you to look finally look hot before he hits. Your outfit that you have is not doing it for him. He has a vision of what he thinks will look hot on you, and your idea of that is not cutting it. He won't tell you this straight up because he is a loser but the same black panties are not doing it for him anymore. So put on the ridiculous outfit he bought because I am sure he had to go through a lot of trouble to get it.
Glamour- Let's spice up the bedroom.
My opinion- Yep exactly, no spice because you don't know what looks hot to a guy- nice try though.
Chocolate Hearts-
My opinion: First off you have to dump this guy right away because if not he is either gay or just not that into you and would rather be friends. But if you must hang onto him then get ready because something is coming in the future. And don't be surprised if what is coming is "I am sorry to tell you this but, I just got torn up by john last week. But I still want to be friends. And do you by any chance have any caramel chocolate pieces left from the chocolate heart I gave you last week because I have really been craving that lately, along with wiener."
Glamour- I'm in sixth grade
My opinion- haha that is pretty good actually, they do mention something about being friends in it also. Doing well so far.
Diamond Earrings-
Now I don't think that is that big of a deal but I am sure you girls will. So I guess a guy should know that before he buys it. It is a risky gift because you make it seem so serious that if you think your not on that level everything could go down hill from a dumb gift, something you should actually like. The guy better make sure he knows where you stand before he gives this.
Glamour- Were engaged to be engaged
My opinion- see way overreacting by stupid girls. But the guy should know what he is getting himself into so it is on the guy then.
Two Dozen Long Stem Roses-
My Opinion- What a douchebag. I mean of all the days during the year, you bring her long stem roses. She better have told you before she loves long stem roses and not just because that is what you gave her but actually loves them. I mean they are sweet flowers but so cliche at this point, what a lack of creativity. If you get these from your guy you need to raise your expectations and tell your guy to get a clue.
Glamour- He is trying to look good
My opinion- What a douchebag if that is the case. Who is impressed with that? I would be impressed if he actually had an arrangement that was well impressive. Every guy in the world knows about roses. Who cares if he gives them to you on the day he is supposed to. What a loser. You should be ashamed of yourself for giving him props on the flowers as well, letting him think he is doing well when he is not. It is as much your fault as his then. But I guess it is the thought that counts.
A frying pan:
See I like this gift. It is not about being impressive, look at what I am giving the girl. This is a gift that never needs to be known to people that you gave it to her but it will always come in handy. To me this seems very practical but I know a girl will hate on this because it is not sexy or showy. If you give this you better get her some sweet undies so she will have something to be excited about.
Glamour- Break up with me I am an idiot
My opinion: of course they would say that because they are insecure women who need something to show to their annoying friends. Look at how much my man loves me he gave me(fill in the blank for whatever unpractical gift he gave me). Showy gifts are good but nothing wrong with down to earth gifts also. Don't hate, just shut up and start cooking.
Bath and Shower gel/lotion-
Maybe they just don't know what to get you. You need to start dropping hints. Once again it's your fault your getting this gift. It could never be that the guy has not paid attention enough to what you want or tried to make an effort to see what you want. Nope you get exactly what you deserve.
Glamour- I am intimidated by gift giving
My opinion- See what you did. You now have your guy just scared about buying the wrong thing so now he has to go safe and pick up either roses or this. This is not as cliche but it's right up there. Once again it is your fault. Stop dropping hints then and just say "you know what just give me some crotchless panties and the newest Nicholas sparks book and then we can hurry up and do it because I can't wait to find out what happens in this book." And then he is like "so you don't want this shower gel then? You said you loved the last three I got you, I figured I would go ahead and complete the set." And you are like "are we going to do this or not because Grey's anatomy is about to start and you know how I get when I miss part of it?"
A computer or other electronic necessity-
My opinion-I don't mind this if you really need it. If it is just the dude trying to have you brag about him then-no not impressed but if it is genuine and you actually need this then it's cool. I like practical.
Glamour-I'm a thoughtful guy
My opinion- see maybe that is what he wants you to think, the whole time he knows you will tell people how thoughtful he is. What a douchebag. Lose him now!
A massage-
My opinion-Girls love this kinda thing but I don't get it. I guess it is not about the guy so it is a good gift because well if the girl loves it and the guy doesn't get it at all but still gives it then he is not thinking about himself at all which is what most guys are doing. Especially if he is picturing someone else's hands rubbing you down with the oil he could have bought you at bath and body works.
Glamour-I feel like I am stressing you out
My opinion-No glamour, guys don't think that way. They can tell you are stressed out and need a day to relax but they will never think it's only them. They will just think they are part of the whole thing like work and your mom, your friends, the kids. It is never just all their fault. Come on.
Plane Tickets-
This is a sweet gift. Unless it's just the tickets and your just riding on the plane. Then he is just trying to pull off the mile high club and turn right back around. But if this entails going on a trip then I love this gift. Romantic and creative. That is what it is all about. He planned it out an advance I hope and was thinking of what you would want to do. Finally this guy is a keeper.
Glamour- He is feeling mega romantic.
Mega anything is annoying. I don't want to hear that word when describing anything that I do or say. Just say oh he is being romantic. That is enough no need for mega romantic. The guy who needs to hear that again has a mega ego and needs to not only be slapped in the face once you land wherever your going, but also needs to be flying home alone(Macaulay Culkin) because he is a mega numbnut. Make sure though you get all you can out of him while you are on the trip. Why not, your already out there you may as well have a good time right?

So there is it the list. They did alright this time. But they seem to think some of these guys are more romantic then they really are. Most of these guys are just losers trying to hit. The guy not trying to hit is the guy giving the frying pan. But he is probably over you anyway by now and has seen you naked way to many times, he doesn't even care to see you like that again. So he is probably like look if I give her this she will leave me alone for awhile so I can go watch the game. You girls have already made up your minds about the guy your with, you don't see what is really there you see what you want to see. So even though I am telling you most of these guys are losers, you just buy right into what they are selling. You will find out soon enough. Don't worry I wont say I told you so.
Happy Valentine's Day- hope you got a good gift.