A few weeks ago I wrote in a blog called blowout about giving a dude money and helping him out among other things in the blog. So last week at bible study I had a question. So stay with me here because this may get a bit wordy but anyway. So I was saying: take person A. They see a man on the side of the road who is looking for money. So guy A who overflows with compassion and has no problem giving money gives him five dollars. Then guy B comes up and really struggles to give him money. He has to go to the lord and ask for help giving money and the lord helps him and he is able to also give 5 dollars. Well my question was if guy A should go to the lord and go to the point where he also has to struggle say at 50 dollars he starts to really struggle with giving. Now I know you would not want to give that much because that could really affect your life but my point is doesnt he want us to get to the point where we have to go to him in each thing we do. Now my pastor with the help of my mom each gave good answers. They both explained it like guy a is already good in the area of compassion and giving ahead of the guy who is struggling. Guy B is struggling just to get to where guy a already is. Now God probably does want you to come to him but he would want you to go to him in areas of compassion where you may really need him. Like for instance for me I really struggle going up and talking to people, giving money is easy I could do that way before I would talk to someone. So then stepping out of my box and leaning on the lord would be in the area of maybe working in a soup kitchen. So I can never feel superior in that regard, because there are still, even in the area of compassion things I have to really work on. Actually guy B is making more progress to me because he is trying to change. Guy A on the other hand, yes he is more compassionate but that is a blessing, not because he stepped out of his comfort zone and asked the lord for help. I know this is a long question and answer but I got mad at myself a few weeks ago because I felt I could have done more with the guy. Maybe I could have but I think I did my part.
Man the ego people have is amazing. To think you all know me at all is a joke. Yes I am misunderstood, but for some reason some people think they actually get me. Please tell me again how I should live my life.
You know I don't really get people and to be honest the more I try to relate the more I want to go into my shell, my head. With almost every person, every conversation or email or text that I knew was coming I have already had the conversation in my head. And hardly ever do the people meet my standards. If I ever say I am not writing this email for a reply that is a nice way of saying don't reply to me because I don't want to hear what you have to say. I am writing things to get it off my chest, not to hear your weak response. Its like I am never pleasently surprised and just blown away by how someone treats me or acts towards me, or responds towards me, so is it me? Not to say it doesn't happen because it does but those are the rare times that I really love. But not that I have been giving out any inspiring moments myself but I don't talk to anyone so, I have an excuse. Right? It is like I have to go through all the junk to get to one thing that inspires me. So I have to look for it in music or books or movies and spirituality because there are plenty of people in movies that have that certain something where you say man does that really happen. I won't ever tell someone how they should respond or what I expect from them but lets just say most of the time I walk away saying yep that is exactly what I was hoping would not happen but it always does. Always dissapoints. When is someone going to better the conversation that took place in my head? Please someone that is all I want, for me to read or talk to someone and be like man that was way better then I ever could have imagined. Not "man that was not that good." Yeah my expectations are high, maybe you all should raise yours though. You would think now that since it happens so often I would be more negative about it but no I always keep the hope that the conversation will be something amazing so I keep trying putting myself out there hoping to get it back but I am done with trying right now to others outside of a few people. Not talking- that is probably best. I really think it is me though. Because it happens all the time and I don't ever hear others complain about it. I do think that there are people out there who can actually inspire. People do have a positive effect on how I live, they do impact my life all the time, but to me saying something that really takes me by surprise and leaves me really loving - wanting more is rare. Me finding, through all there junk and whatever they are trying to get across, some sort of impact on how I should live my life that is way different then inspiration. Inspiration is someone I strive to be like. And you don't have that. I don't feel as though I really impact people's lives that much either but that is because I don't really get the chance to but that is not on me it's on them. I guess it's the passion. Maybe I think people lack the passion, yeah I think that is it. People laugh and cry and go through the emotions but where is the passion on everyday life. Why is it that something dramatic has to happen in our lives to really get a passionate response whether it be crying or whatever it may be. I think people also lack the depth. Man I am just killing people tonight. Good thing I am not saying any names haha. Sometimes I find myself writing or talking the way I hate when other people do it. I will be talking or writing someone and will leave or reread that and be like man that was awful and a waste of time. Probably what you all are saying about this blog right now. So my point is if we are talking I am sure I already had the conversation in my head and mine was better. I guess hearing your response is part of life, but how about you try and say something that I didn't see coming, blah blah blah, write something that I want to reread not just skim through because it was not interesting enough. We all get those letters that are really good that we have to reread. I have gotten a few in my day. I don't send out the good letters anymore because well it is not in me at this point in my life. I only write boring letters now and for a little over a month- welcome to your world right. Maybe that is the thing maybe all the good conversation, all the good letters are going elsewhere. You know when two people are on a date and it is just painful to watch. No chemistry. That is how I feel most of the time with people, painful. So next time I talk to any of you all please make it interesting. I am sure knowing how I am right now, I wont be interesting but just because I am not being interesting at the moment doesn't mean you can't just be. I can turn it on like that don't worry. Or maybe you think your interesting and I just didnt realize. If that is the case then I apologize, and better luck next time. And I know I am coming across with an ego but I actually have to sit there an listen to this stuff you guys put out and say. And actually act interested. That is pretty hard to do. Lord you are really testing me here making me sit here and listen or read this stuff that is in front of me and act interested. I think I would rather give money. What I really want to say, is be quiet, maybe I should tell you that so your ego is not so big. Thanks but no thanks, just warn me beforehand please so I know what is coming. Actually nevermind I already knew what was coming, I was just hoping for some reason that just this one time I would actually be captivated. Nope!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment